So all I have to do is talk to him, right? 

Only if it was that easy.

Earnest’s been on my mind since the… incident last week. To be honest, he’s been on my mind ever since we met, but this is different. This is really different. I feel bad for bringing the topic up with him, especially after what I did at the movie theater. I knew that he was sensitive about his sister’s death since it was pretty recent. Earnest would come to me for comfort, telling me about her and even crying at times. And I felt bad for him then, and I still do. He doesn’t deserve any of this. 

I screwed everything up. I thought I was pretty close to him, and I think he trusted me. Not only that, but I think I was the only friend he had at the time.

Luckily he wasn’t the only friend I had at the time. My second closest friend was Sarah, and she’s still here with me now. I’m able to tell her things that I don’t tell Earnest, and that’s what I like about her. 

Sarah isn’t one of those “Earnest haters”. There’s a lot of those people in our school, a lot more than I expected. I remember when I was still hanging out with Earnest, some of my classmates would tell me about him and what happened. They just told me it could “hurt my reputation”, and I didn’t care. At least not until Hunter told me about him.

I look in my locker after swim practice, hoping for a note from Sarah. We’ve both decided to not exchange phone numbers because once something happens in this school, so many people draw wrong conclusions.

just talk to him then. i know you don’t want to talk to him but just do it. he’s approachable, you know that. if you really like him, then you would do it.

It’s the response I dreaded. 

I was expecting she’d suggest something different, but I guess it’s like, “what else am I supposed to do?”

I don’t know if I actually like him. It’s more like I can’t let him go or get him off my mind, but saying “I like him” is just easier to say. I’m sure I’m not gay or anything like that because I’ve dated a bunch of girls before, and we’ve had perfectly fine relationships. And just because I feel this way towards one guy doesn’t automatically make me gay (or bi or something.) 

It’s just weird. Because to be honest, I’ve never asked out any of those girls because I liked them, they just told me they liked me and I went out with them. In freshman year I felt almost obligated to say yes, it was hard to turn them down. It became a habit, pretty much. I think I can say that I didn’t really feel a connection, and it just felt like a huge responsibility to be in a relationship. But now, I want something for myself, something that just feels natural.

Someone else wrote me a letter and told me to meet them in the gym during lunchtime. It didn’t say anything else, but that just makes me curious. My eyes are glued to the clock as I wait for the bell for lunch to ring. The teacher isn’t even doing anything right now, he’s just sitting at his desk looking at his phone.

Soon enough, the bell rings, and everyone springs out of their seats, filing out of the door. The teacher’s yelling out the homework for tonight, but most of my classmates are out the door. I’m the last one out, and I make my way to the gym, against the river of students going to the cafeteria. The gym is dark, with only the sun shining in from the windows lighting up the room. I don’t see anyone here…

“Oh! You’re here, Alex…” someone says, getting off of the bleachers. Their slight movements echo throughout the large room, and I still can’t see them well. As step into the light, I get a better look at them.

I think I’ve seen this girl before, she’s a junior if I’m remembering correctly. I mean, she’s pretty, I’ll give her that. I approach her slowly, confused. “Were you the one who…?”

“I wrote the letter to you,” she says. “I’m Lilly if you don’t know.”

“Okay,” I say, putting my hands in my pockets. “Did you want to talk to me about something?”

She looks at the floor. “Yeah. I just wanted to say… I just wanted to tell you that…” I notice that she’s fidgeting with the zipper of her coat, pulling the zipper up and down the teeth. I don’t know what to say to her, so I just stand there and let her take her time.

“...I like you,” she says in the softest voice I have ever heard. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear, I had a slight feeling it would’ve been this. “W-will you go out with me, maybe?” Lilly continues, refusing to make eye contact with me.

But I can’t go through this again. I take a step backward and take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I… I don’t think I feel the same way about you.”

This situation is killing me, I can’t tell if she’s crying right now, she’s just covering her mouth with her head hanging low. There’s a long silence between us.

“I get it, it’s fine,” she says, walking away. “Sorry for asking.” I’m left alone in the dark gym as the door closes with a click. 

I guess I should be getting to lunch, shouldn’t I? I look up to the doors, and I see a face looking in through the glass, swiftly moving away after they notice that I saw them. Was this person looking at me this whole time? Watching what was happening this whole time? The thought of what had just happened keeps replaying in my head make my way to the door. Was I being too harsh? I’ve never really rejected someone before.

I open the door, and Hunter is standing there.

“Hi,” he says, with nothing else. 

“W-what are you doing here?” I ask. 

“I was looking for you since you weren’t in the lunchroom,” he answers, fixing his coat. “Sarah told me that she saw you going to the gym. Was something going on?”

I hesitate, before saying, “No.”

I’m waiting for Hunter to say something in response, but he says nothing.

“Let’s just go to lunch,” I say, leading the way for us.