There’s this guy at our school, I think his name is Larson, and he’s super gay. He wears pink shirts and rainbows, he hangs out a group of artsy, edgy girls and wears make up. I’ve never personally interacted with him but when he’s been in my classes he’s annoyed me. I doubt I’m the only one he annoys and, on Monday while Benjamin and I are eating lunch, he gets beat up.
He’s talking to this girl, Emily. I’m pretty sure she’s this big shot jock’s, Brett, girlfriend. This would be a stupid move even if he weren’t flaming gay but Brett is known to be overprotective of Emily. As Larson is talking to her, he comes up to them with a couple of his cronies. I can’t hear them very well but he says something to Larson and Larson, dumbass he is, looks like he makes some snide remark.
Brett punches him so hard he hits the floor. Benjamin gets this look on his face of fear and worry. He stands so I follow suit, ready to grab him if he does something stupid like try to intervene. Larson pulls himself off the floor, I still can’t hear what’s going on but Emily grabs her boyfriend’s arm and says something to him.
One of Brett's posse grabs his left arm, the other grabs his right. Students are gathering for a better look, Benjamin looks like he might throw up. Brett hits Larson in the gut, then in the nose. Kids are hollering. I pull on Benjamin’s arm, it’s better to not be around when there’s a fight. Better to not get involved. He doesn’t budge.
After Brett gets in a few more hits, some teachers finally come out and drag him off. Some other students help Larson off the floor where the cronies dropped him after the teachers came out. “Benjamin,” I say, “let’s get out of here.” He looks at me with big, scared eyes.
“Is he okay?” And he sounds like a little kid. He looks so frightened.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine, don’t worry about it.” He shakes his head and walks off, he’s not in the spot when I get there. I don’t know what he’s being so weird about, people fight, they get hurt. That’s life. Nothing you can do about it.
I drive out to the desert by myself after school, with Alton. Then I go back home and go to sleep. I don’t eat dinner, I’m not hungry.
The next day, Benjamin isn’t at school. It worries me but I’m not sure why. Brett, his buddies and Larson also aren’t here. I’m not sure why I notice that. I contemplate going to Benjamin’s house after school but decide against it. Instead I lay in my room and think about what’s been happening. I wonder why Benjamin got so sick and scared, were there no fights in Tennessee? Maybe there wasn’t shit like that three against one stuff. It’s a pretty terrible thing but not the first time I’ve seen it. It happened twice my freshman year. Thinking back, I’m pretty sure it was a few seniors ganging up on this one sophomore kid, I think he still goes to our school. His name is Spencer, he’s always sitting alone. The other one was a junior who was ambushed by other juniors, he was a wrestler. But by my sophomore year he wasn’t on the team anymore. In fact, I think it was Brett’s older brother that beat him up.
On Wednesday, Benjamin is back. He seems normal. “Where were you yesterday?” I ask.
“I visited Larson.” He says.
“Why?” Benjamin gets this angry look on his face.
“Why not? He’s in the hospital, you know. They broke his nose and knocked a tooth out.” He’s totally defending Larson, like I was the one attacking him.
“That’s pretty shitty.” I say because I don’t know what else to do.
Benjamin still looks angry. “Yeah, it’s fucking shitty, Leo.”
I don’t know what I said to piss him off, but I decide not to say anything else. He can’t get any angrier that way.
Yet, he continues to fume. He’s so easy to read. “What’s up?” I finally ask. I’m tired of watching him stab at his green beans without eating any.
“You’re a dick.” He stands up and storms off. Then I’m pissed because I didn’t do anything wrong. What the hell is wrong with him? Acting like I was the one who beat Larson up, as if I’ve done anything wrong. I’m pissed the rest of the day, which is probably why when Mr. Stewart tells me to pay attention I get up and kick over his garbage can as I leave the classroom.
On Thursday, Benjamin isn’t sitting next to me, he’s sitting with Larson’s gang. And goddammit I don’t know what the fuck I did to get isolated again.
Then it hits me that I’m jealous. Maybe I liked having a friend, maybe I thought it was fucking nice to not be in complete solitude all the time. And I hate that feeling.
I don’t go to school on Friday, I tell Mom I’m not feeling well and she lets me stay home. I lay curled up in bed with the lights out and the blinds drawn while Breaking Benjamin’s We Are Not Alone plays on repeat. I feel pretty pathetic but I can’t lift myself up right now. I’m going to let myself ride it out, I got used to being alone before so I’ll do it again.
Having friends becomes a hassle anyway. The constant anxiety of having to be around somebody, having to constantly live up to their expectations, being expected to be active and to care. It’s easier by yourself.
On Saturday morning, as I’m dragging myself out of bed to eat breakfast, there’s a knock on the door. Mom answers it. She calls me over.
Benjamin is here, I’m immediately filled with a horrible combination of anger and relief and I hate myself for the relief.
“Hey, Leo.” He says, Mom looks at me, giving me the look. The look that I’m totally not in the mood for. I want to slam the door in his face but I don’t. Mom goes back inside and I know she’s listening so I step outside in nothing but my pajama pants and close the door.
“What do you want?” And it’s so angry and mean, I wish I could take it back.
“You weren’t at school on Friday.” He says.
“So?”
“Are you okay?”
“Peachy.” His shoulders slump. I sigh. “What’s up, Benjamin?” I ask, less angry and more tired.
“Are we going to the desert?”
“Yeah, come on in. We’ll leave in a bit.”
He nods and we go inside, I feel so self-conscious, I can’t remember the last time I had someone inside my house. I can’t help but notice that we don’t have any pictures on our walls, that our couch looks old and worn, that our TV is outdated.
“Do you want anything to eat?” I ask.
He shrugs so I make him a bowl of cereal. I also decide to put on a shirt. We eat, then I tell Mom where we’ll be and load Alton into the truck. We’re off. We drive with the windows rolled up and loud music blaring from the stereo. We’re quiet. We get to my spot, my favorite spot, and we hike to my tree. The desert looks a bit different in the fall, leaves on the ground, everything looks fragile and delicate. The colors are duller in the winter and fall, yet it’s still so beautiful.
Alton runs around chasing little animals, mice and rabbits mostly since a lot of the reptiles have gone into hiding. We don’t talk as we listen to the rustle that passes through the mountains when the wind blows.
We sit there for a long time, all day. I wonder if it’s hard for Benjamin to stay quiet for this long, I’ve done this before. Sat here for long hours not saying or doing anything. Halfway through the day we do go and eat but we make our way back right afterwards. Alton lays his head in my lap and falls asleep.
As the sky turns orange we climb onto the roof and lay still as the air becomes colder and our breath becomes visible, as the stars begin to dot the sky and shine onto the desert.
“I’m sorry I called you a dick.” Benjamin says after a little while, the first words he’s spoken in hours.
I sigh. I don’t have anything to be sorry for. “I don’t care that you called me a dick, Benjamin.”
“I’m sorry I ditched you.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I say. “We’re not little kids, so don’t apologize for stuff like that.”
“We are kids.” He pauses. “We should’ve helped Larson.” He says.
“No, it’s not our business.”
“Leo, they could’ve killed him.”
“They wouldn’t’ve killed him.”
“Yes!” He shouts, then he lowers his voice as if someone might hear him out here. “They could have. People get killed like that every day.”
“They weren’t out to kill him.” I say.
“Does it matter what they were trying to do?” Benjamin asks. “Accidents happen, and they wouldn’t’ve been punished. They aren’t being punished as it is.”
“They weren’t at school the other day.”
“In school suspension isn’t a good punishment, they sent him to the hospital, Leo. They should have been expelled.”
I shrug. “It’s not your problem so why do you care?”
“Why don’t you?” And he’s raising his voice again. He sits up and I look at him. “You just don’t care about anything, do you know why they beat him up?”
“It’s none of my business, I don’t know either party. It just doesn’t affect me.” I say.
“God, what if somebody beat me up? Would you care? Would it affect you?”
“Yes, but I know you. I don’t know Larson.”
“That shouldn’t matter.” He says. “You should care because he’s a person who doesn’t deserve to get the shit beat out of him, he was completely innocent.”
I nod, Benjamin lays back down. “You should take him out here.” Benjamin says.
“Why?” I ask.
“Why not?”
I sigh. “Benjamin, I don’t like being around people. I don’t like inviting people into my life. This place is special to me, I don’t want every stranger in Dorrington ruining that.”
Benjamin is quiet for a while. “Why did you bring me here?”
“I don’t know.” I say.
“Do you regret it?”
“No.”
We soak in the silence for a while before going into the truck, sleeping, and heading into town in the morning. I drop him off and drive home. I go inside and am immediately bombarded by Mom.
“Who was that boy?” She asks.
“Benjamin.” I say.
“Have you known him for a while?”
“Yeah.”
“Does he always go out with you?”
“Sometimes.”
“How long have you known him?”
“Since the school year started.”
“And this is the first time I’ve heard of him?”
"It’s not a big deal.”
“Is that where you’re at when you stay out late?”
“Sometimes.”
“How come I haven’t met his parents?” And she’s starting to sound mad.
“I’m almost seventeen, Mom.” I say.
“I am still your mother and you are still under my roof. As long as you are I expect to know what’s going on around here.” She says with a look.
“Okay, Mom.”
“When can I meet them?”
“I don’t know.” I say, ready to turn my back and lay in my room until dinner.
“Well, you better find out.”
“Mom.” I groan, I know my parents won’t get along with the Madrid’s.
She gives me the look and I'm given permission to head back to my room, where I lay and listen to Saturate by Breaking Benjamin. Benjamin can be such an ass, he doesn’t even understand how meaningful that place is to me, does any of that stuff even matter to him? Maybe he just doesn’t see people as strangers. Maybe he thinks every relationship is personal and that all people can connect with each other. Maybe he just connects with all the people he meets.
I certainly don’t.
Maybe I could if I ever tried.
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