On Monday Benjamin is sitting with me again but he’s brought extras. It's Larson's crew and I’m kind of pissed. I don’t know or care about any of these people. I don’t even know half their names. I know Donna and Sara, and Jesse by name since she’s always on announcements for track and field.
Of course, I also know Larson, whose nose is black and purple and, despite Benjamin’s breakdown, he’s acting like his usual annoying self. He’s laughing and taking part in the conversation in the exaggerated voice of his. If it really had been that big of a deal it seems like he’d be more upset.
The kids who beat him up aren’t here, though. Maybe he would act a little different if they were.
I think Benjamin knows I’m angry and I think he doesn’t care. He chats and laughs like he always does, I don’t say anything to anybody. I don’t eat. Ten minutes before the bell rings I get up and stand in the spot, a couple of minutes later, Benjamin joins me. I am relieved to find the others haven’t followed him.
“Don’t be mad.” He says. I roll my eyes. “Seriously, they’re all good people.”
“I don’t give a shit how good they are, Benjamin. I don’t like being around them.”
“Why not? What did they do to you?”
“They just irritate me.” I don’t look at him, instead I stare hard at the floor.
"Larson could use some friends, you know.”
“Looks like he has plenty to me.”
“I mean friends like you.”
I look at him this time. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means you’re tall and intimidating.”
I glare at him until he looks away. “Don’t drag he into his fucking problems, Benjamin. Make them yours if you want but leave me out of it.”
“He’s just scared, Leo.”
“I’m not a guard dog.”
The bell rings and I go to French. The day ends strong with a sub in math which is great because I don’t feel like dealing with any more shit. I go to the desert with Alton for a while. Mom is out doing something tonight so Dad and I eat leftovers on the couch while The Wonder Years plays on TV.
I go to bed, wake up, go to school, and dread lunch. I don’t want to deal with all those people again today. They’re all at my spot on my table. I consider going to the library but I’m hungry so decide against it. I sit on the edge next to Benjamin. Larson is across from me.
I feel claustrophobic with all these people over here, usually this whole half of the table is empty except for Benjamin and I. Larson keeps looking at me and it pisses me off. Maybe he keeps looking at me because I keep looking at him, it’s hard not to stare. He looks like shit, dark bags under his eyes, his bruise yellowing at the edges.
Not that I would tell him that, I’m not a total asshole.
“You like Blink-182?” Larson asks me. His voice gets on my nerves. Why can’t he just talk like a normal person?
“Kinda.” I say, completely regretting wearing this shirt. Mom got it for me a few years back when I first heard them on the radio. I really liked them in middle school but I grew out of a lot of punk music.
He nods. “I saw them a few years ago in Washington.” Millie says, she would. Her hair is dyed black and she has way too many piercings. She must’ve taken punk rock 101.
“What kind of music do you listen to?” Sara asks.
I feel like I’m being ganged up on. “Metal mostly.” Or variations of it, most of it’s more like rock, but System of a Down and Disturbed are metal. So is Korn.
“I hate metal, it’s all so loud and violent.” Larson says in that prissy voice of his.
“That’s why I like it.”
“Wouldn’t you rather listen to happy music? Maybe that’s why you’re always angry. That crap is all you listen to.” He says.
Maybe I’m angry because everyone around me is an annoying little bitch. Is what I want to say. “It’s not all angry.” Is what I actually say.
“Name one metal song that isn’t angry.”
I roll my eyes, I don’t need to justify myself to these people.
“You can’t.” Larson says laughing. I want to knock the rest of his teeth out. “Okay, so maybe it’s not all angry, there’s plenty of sad metal.”
“Maybe, I’m not some faggot that needs pansy ass music to make me happy.” I tell him. He shuts up.
“Don’t be a dick, Leo.” Benjamin tells me.
“Fuck off.” I growl, standing up and storming off.
What a douche bag, acting like he’s fucking superior because he listens to shitty music. At least my music has some goddamn meaning. I don’t go stand in the normal spot because I don’t need another lecture from Benjamin. Instead I go to the library for the last fifteen minutes of lunch.
This is where I spend lunch for the rest of the week. I successfully avoid Benjamin and the rest of his new friends.
On Saturday afternoon Benjamin shows up at my door again. “I’m not going out to the desert this weekend.” I tell him.
“Why not?”
“I just don’t feel like it.”
“Then can I come in?”
I step outside and close the door. “What?” I say.
“Why would you say that?”
“You’re still hung up on it? It was a week ago, Benjamin. If you wanted to confront me, you should’ve done it already.”
“You avoided me all week.”
“You could’ve come to my house.”
Benjamin glares at me. “Why would you say that to Larson?”
“He was pissing me off.”
“That doesn’t give you the right to call people names, Leo. You hurt his feelings.”
Then I do something I really regret. I wave my hands around and talk in a whiney voice. “Oh, no! I hurt his feelings? Oh, dear, how could I? Should I buy him flowers and tell him how strong he is? We’re not five, Benjamin. You all need to grow up.”
Benjamin looks like he might burst. “What the fuck, Leo?” And he’s yelling. “You’re so fucking inconsiderate, don’t you have any compassion? He’s hurt, he was trying to be friendly!”
“Because he’s hurt he has the right to be an asshole without consequence?”
“You’re the asshole, Leo.”
“Whatever, dude.”
“Don’t ‘whatever’ me. This is serious, don’t you care?”
“No, Benjamin. I don’t care, you don’t seem to understand that. I don’t like Larson, I don’t like his friends, and it pisses me off that you keep trying to get me involved in everybody else’s drama.”
Benjamin covers his face with his hand and leans his head back. Neither of us says anything for a while. I wonder if Mom heard us yelling. Benjamin is breathing hard, I think he’s crying. I feel kind of bad but they need to grow up and stop caring about name-calling and stupid high school drama.
“How’s he doing?” I ask, for lack of anything better to say.
“I thought you didn’t care.”
“I don’t. I’m making conversation.”
“Don’t waste your breath, Leo.” He doesn’t leave, though. He takes his hands off his face and his eyes are red.
“Why are you crying?” I ask, trying to make my voice soft.
“Because I’m pissed.”
I shrug. “I’m sorry, I really am, but these people just don’t matter to me. I don’t know what you want me to do about that.”
“I don’t get why you don’t care, they’re all people. People don’t deserve to get beaten and ridiculed for no reason.”
I sigh. “I agree, but it happens and we can’t stop it. If nobody got involved with each other, then all of this shit wouldn’t be a problem.” I say. “If Larson hadn’t talked to Brett’s girlfriend, he wouldn’t have gotten beaten up. If you’d never talked to me, we wouldn’t be arguing right now, if Japan hadn’t bombed Pearl Harbor, America wouldn’t have been in World War II. That’s just the way things are. It’s human nature to get involved. Some of us have gotten past it.”
Benjamin just stares at me, like he can’t believe what I said. “If nobody got involved with each other the world wouldn’t go round, Leo. If America hadn’t gotten involved in World War II, Hitler would have kept killing, if Larson hadn’t been beaten up, I probably wouldn’t have met him. If I hadn’t talked to you, you’d still be sitting alone at that table.”
“I like being alone.” I say. Benjamin nods. He doesn’t leave. For several minutes we stand in awkward silence. “Do you want to come inside?” I ask.
He shrugs, we go inside. Again, I’m self-conscious. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to bring somebody into my house without feeling uncomfortable. We play Crash Bandicoot on the PS2 for a little while, then we eat Dorito sandwiches.
“You should just try to get to know Larson.” Benjamin says as we eat.
“Drop it.”
“He’s a good guy.”
“Benjamin, I’m serious.” He drops it.
I don’t offer for him to stay the night, around five I take him home and eat dinner over there. I suspect he’s told his parents about how much of an asshole I’ve been because they’re being weird towards me.
Then we go to his room, he takes out Betty and messes with her as we talk. “Can I ask you a question without you getting pissed?”
“Depends on the question.”
“Do you hate Larson because he’s gay?”
I roll me eyes. “I don’t hate Larson, he just irritates me. He’s obnoxious and arrogant. I don’t give a shit that he’s gay. If he wants to fuck men, it’s his business.”
Benjamin nods. “Are you doing anything for Christmas break?” He asks.
“No, we keep Christmas small.” A long time ago, my parents decided spending Christmas and Thanksgiving with the family was too much so we only see them for latter.
“We’re going to Fresno the day after Christmas.” He says. “Would you be interested in going?”
I shrug. “How long.”
“Two days.”
“Sure, I’ll ask my parents.”
“I just hate going up there, they’re all so terrible to my dad and I. They adore my mom, obviously.”
I look up at him. “It’s pretty shitty they hate you. I can kind of understand why they don’t like your dad, but you didn’t ask to be born.”
He groans. “I know, I don’t want to go but Mom insists family is important and we have to visit them. Now that we live so much closer we’re going to have to see them all the time.”
I laugh. “Why did you move to Nevada?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
I'm a little surprised, he's generally pretty open. “Okay.”
“Okay.” He says.
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