“Do you always sit in chairs like that? Or do you do it just to purposefully give yourself back pains?”
“Is the way I’m sitting triggering you?” I snickered as I nibbled on one of Laurie’s homemade cookies. Damn these things are dangerously good.
“I’m just saying don’t come whining to me when you throw it out.”
“You’re just jealous I’m so flexible.”
“At least I can lift the crates. All you seem to be lifting is two bottles of beer a night, at least.”
“Hey,” I scowled with an angry point. “I’m not an alcoholic.”
“Sure, and I’m rich.”
“Actually, you are!” I argued in poor defense. Quinn chuckled.
“Not exactly. I don’t plan on selling it. It’s not even mine. It’s for my mom.”
“Damn you, sentimental whore.” I stuffed the rest of the cookie in my mouth as Quinn laughed. Somehow being around this stupid not-criminal has taken my mind off of things temporarily. Well, whenever he’s not around, I’m left to face the stabby void alone all over again. But if he never came along, it would still be like that 24/7 so… maybe I am rethinking just dropping his ass off in the middle of Philly.
“You’re such a little brat. Acting all big and tough when you’re still wet behind the ears.” Nevermind. Philly can have him.
“Big words for a man who’s at my mercy.”
“You can’t even play that card anymore. We’ve spent too much time together. You’re an accomplice, a co-conspirator, an abetter.”
“Wipe that smug look off your face,” I growled. “At least I’m not old.”
“Great argument. If you want to learn how to really fight, I’ve got an open schedule.” He grinned. I flipped Quinn off and he pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against to walk away. Damn it. Just because he’s attractive and respectful he just thinks he can do whatever the hell he wants. Well he’s not that great. He’s short. And dumb. And straight. So ha.
Great, now I sound like a child. I’m only proving him right.
I should stop playing these games. I’m here for Toby. But this stupid-ass void. Why can’t I just be happy without feeling guilty about it? Every time I’m close that pang in my gut tells me I shouldn’t laugh if it isn’t with him, should love if it isn’t with him, shouldn’t live if it isn’t with him. But still… I want to be happy. I want to believe I can be happy again.
I pushed myself off the chair and wandered out of the house, toward the barn. Only two days left here, including today. It’s only been two weeks but I, surprisingly, warmed up to this place fast. The old man visited nearly every day. And Laurie treated us like family. We’d all cook together, clean together, even watch cheesy movies together. I knew she was always trying to lighten the mood, to make this trip not just about grief. I’m very thankful for that. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t somewhat help. Just a little.
I wonder what kind of rude awakening would await us at Philadelphia.
“Damn you look awful,” Laurie announced as I entered the brewery, sidestepping the grave I still hadn’t filled back up.
“What do you mean?” I asked defensively.
“All I’m saying is that you look like you have a strong desire to get shitfaced.”
“I’m not an alcoholic.”
“Never said you were,” she shrugged. “So you two are leaving tomorrow?”
“Yeah, tomorrow night.” It’ll be easier to leave in the nighttime when no one expects it.
I sat beside her against one of the stands, taking the time to study her expression. Since staying here, I thought Toby’s death just didn’t affect her as much, seeing as she was always the one being strong for me. But there’s sadness in those eyes, I can recognize it now. She acts strong, but it’s just that: an act. I guess everyone processes death and grief differently.
“So-” Laurie looked up at me, eyebrow quirked and arms folded over her chest. “About Quinn.”
“Hm?”
“How do you really know him?”
“Huh? What do you mean? We’re coworkers.”
“Uh huh. Where do you even work?”
“Um Walmart?” Damn. That came out as more of a question. Laurie is way too observant for her own good. Or I’m just an awful liar. Maybe both. The look on her face said bullshit. I sighed.
“Met him in a town by the Ohio state border. He needed a place to stay. My dumbass didn’t want to just abandon him I guess.”
“Family issues?” she questioned.
“Something like that.”
Laurie nodded in a sort of understanding. It was quiet for a while, a contemplative silence that I didn’t want to face.
“He’s got the bark of the wolf but the heart of a golden retriever.” Laurie gazed outside to the gray clouds as she spoke. I looked at her in question.
“That’s what Tobias told me about you.” I couldn’t help the heat rushing to my face.
“I-I wha-what?” I sputtered.
“He said you’ll do anything to be appreciated, even if it means breaking your own back by bending over backwards.” Ok woah. I’m not a fucking pushover.
“I'm not-”
“Said you’d blame yourself for anything even if you had no role in it.”
I stopped trying to defend myself.
“You pretend like nothing bothers you but secretly take everything personally.” Every word she spoke was an arrow through my chest.
“You hate liars and used to dream of being an artist.” Her eyes shifted to mine. “And you never forgot his birthday, not until the day he died.” I clenched at the sleeves of my sweatshirt. I hate being an open book. I searched for words but nothing came. Just pain.
“Tobias was not a perfect human being. He fucked up. He fucked up a lot. He used to come to me, guilty over the way things had ended up between you two. He didn’t know how to communicate with others all that well, it wasn’t just you. But he did love you, I know that with my whole heart.”
I wiped at the moisture gathering on my lashes, refusing to cry again.
“Christopher?” I looked up. Laurie smiled, warm and motherly. “I hope you find what you’re looking for out there. Your grief is valid, but don’t let it consume you. You’ve still got your whole life ahead of you, ok?”
All I could do was nod and lean into Laurie’s caring figure as she wrapped her arms around me. “Thank you, Laurie,” I whispered hoarsely into her shoulder. If I ever had a mom, I would have wished for her to be like Laurie. Which somehow reminded me-
“So who is this Jake guy anyways?”
“We don’t mention that name in this household,” she practically snarled. I snorted.
“Lucky for you we aren’t in the house.”
“Do you always act smart with people?”
“Only those I’m comfortable with,” I answered truthfully.
“In that case…” Laurie grinned. “Does Quinn know this side yet?”
“Laurie-” I warned. She held her hands up in surrender. “Alright. I won’t press.”
She ran a finger along the warped wood of the support beam she was leaning on. “Jake is just a douchebag. He spent all his time pining after me. And when I finally gave him a shot, I caught him in bed with someone fifteen years younger than me.”
“Ew.”
“Right?”
“Sorry Laurie.” She just shrugged. “His loss. He’s been trying to talk it out with me since.”
“Aw hell no.”
“Right?” Her cheeks dimpled in a laugh and I realized that, in some ways, she was exactly like Toby. I had noticed it before too. Even if they didn’t share the same physical appearance in the slightest, they shared similar mannerisms. Toby rarely laughed genuinely but, when he did, it was the cutest fucking sound in the world. It made my heart swell with a certain pride, knowing I was almost always the cause of it. Both he and Laurie share that kind of laugh, even though Toby used to cover his mouth and Laurie laughed like she had nothing to hide. And they both acted strong all the time. Sometimes I wish it was harder for Toby to mask his emotions.
“Chris, you’ve always got a place here, alright?” The confidence in her words startled me a bit.
“You mean it?”
“Of course. You’re family. And this barn is going to look like absolute shit again when you two leave.”
“Thanks Laurie,” I nodded, suppressing a smile. “You should really hire some people to help out, you know.”
“Narci and Jeremiah help out when they can. But maybe you’re right. I’m getting too old to do the brunt of the work on my own anymore. I guess I can manage to hire a brat who might be saving up for college or something.”
“That’s the spirit.” I clasped her shoulder as she grunted before getting to my feet.
“Do you want me to refill the rift?” I asked before stepping out.
“Nah, just leave it. I kind of like it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. It’ll remind me of you two when you’re gone. Maybe I’ll make a little pond, throw some fish in there.”
“Who’d have expected you to be sentimental?” I chuckled. Even from outside the brewery barn I could tell she was rolling her eyes.
“Unlike you I’m not a caged book,” she called out.
“I thought the expression was a closed book.”
“With you, it’s more of a cage.”
“Yeah yeah,” I waved her off as I walked closer to my flower grave. The grass began growing from the pile of dirt I had created beside it. A single bud poked its head out the top of the pile.
I knelt down beside the cavity, taking a closer look at the new life. It grew so effortlessly, without even knowing of all the treachery that could potentially await it. “You were better off just staying a seed,” I whispered at the little thing. It swayed in the breeze as though conversing back to me. But I’m alive now, I imagined it was saying.
“I’m just saying it’s only downhill from here. You know, you could get uprooted by a strong wind or eaten by a squirrel. You could get trampled by any other living thing or picked right out of the ground to be fed to newborn hatchlings.” The little seedling just continued to sway, riding out the next breeze.
“I’m just saying,” I shrugged. “So many things could go wrong-”
“Or it could bloom into a beautiful little flower.”
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