“Vidal. That’s my last name. In case you were wondering.”
“I wasn’t.”
“And my dad was a light-skinned Hispanic. But my mom was black-”
“I didn’t ask.”
“-My favorite color is green. I actually used to be shit at math even though being a teacher in math was my dream. I was always kind of alone in school. I talked to the teachers more than my peers. My grandmother used to own a local cafe. And my first job was working as a busboy there.”
“...”
“I’m not picky with food in terms of what I eat. But I am pretty picky with produce. I could spend hours at the supermarket, just trying to pick out the best-looking carton of strawberries. I actually used to struggle with bad anxiety before I began working out. My favorite drink is a Paloma when made right. I love cats and the Great British Baking Show and when it storms.
“You sound like an oddly sensitive person.”
“Look who’s talking. That’s not a bad thing either. Even if, in Ohio, it was treated as such.”
“Hey, why are you telling me all of this?” I watched Quinn’s eyes in the rearview mirror. They didn’t falter for a second as he said, “You could have just left me there with that guy and left. You could have just dropped me off at the nearest station and done what you came out here to do. But you didn’t.”
I took off Quinn’s cap and shook out my hair from beneath it, staring at the community college logo. “Too late for that, dude. Like you said, I’m an accomplice.” Quinn took his eyes off the road for a second, looking right at me to say something. He didn’t though, something in my face must have encouraged him against it. The truth is, and he knows it, I don’t want to do this alone anymore. Even if Toby wanted me to. Because, as I’ve said before, I’m not that strong. That and, maybe, it’s nice to have company that doesn’t make me hate myself even more than usual. It’s nice to celebrate not being in that town with someone who understands in their own way. Not that I have any intentions of admitting any of that.
“Well, accomplice, what’s your story?”
“Don’t you know it already? Just a broken guy from a broken home who used to get bullied in school for shit that wasn’t his fault who is now trying to accept the fact that the person he loves most in this world is gone forever.”
“I don’t mean your trauma. I mean what do you want people to know about you?”
“I-” don’t know. For so long, I’ve tried to ignore what people think about me. It doesn’t matter anyways. I couldn't care less. Or so I told myself.
“I always wanted to be an artist growing up. Was pretty good at it too until I gave up on that dream. I normally just keep to myself but I had a time in college where I either spent all my time at large parties getting fucked up or alone with or without Tobias. I hate the color magenta. It makes me want to throw up. But I like copper. My favorite food is whatever I don’t have to cook and I’m allergic to birds. Music has always been a big part of me and I don’t really remember what my mother looked like or acted like but sometimes I would imagine what it would be like if she stayed with my father and I.”
“See? So you do have a heart.”
“Fuck you.”
“Is Tobias the only person you’ve dated?”
“Officially, yeah. What about you?”
“I can’t say I’ve ever dated Tobias.”
“Smartass. Have you ever been in a relationship?”
Quinn tapped mindlessly on the wheel, trying to figure out an answer to my question. It’s not that difficult of a question, is it?
“Yeah.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Well, guess that’s all I’m getting out of him on that for now. I shrugged.
“‘kay.”
I wondered what kind of woman she was like. Did Quinn fall in love with her? Did it end badly? It’s none of my business, I know. But I’m curious.
For the next half hour I was looking behind us for any suspicious looking vehicle. Thankfully I didn’t see anything. My pocket started ringing so I took out my phone, staring down the caller ID I’ve been both dreading and anxiously awaiting. I could have just let it ring. For some reason, I didn’t.
“Christopher I swear to god I’m going to kill you if the booze doesn’t first!” I winced and held the phone away from my ear.
“Hey Ria,” I said.
“Don’t hey Ria me!” She roared. “Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get in contact with you? I thought something happened! I thought you really did it this time! Fucking Christ I’m going to strangle you.”
“Ria-”
“What the fuck, Christy!”
“Don’t. Don’t call me that.” I meant for my voice to come out stronger, more authoritative. Instead, it sounded like a scolded child, passive and weak. Ria sighed.
“Christopher if you keep worrying me like this I’m going to have a heart attack before I even have the child.”
“Sorry,” I muttered. “How far along is it?” Ria’s angry voice broke down a bit, allowing a small laugh to escape through the phone.
“Only you would refer to a human baby as it. Two weeks.”
“Do you know who the father is?” I asked skeptically. I could hear the grin in Ria’s voice as she said, “No fucking idea. But I’ve been seeing this guy since and, for once, he’s not an asshole.”
“Everyone’s an asshole in Greenville.” I huffed. She chuckled. “Not everyone.”
“Most of them. Including us two.”
“That’s true. But I think I might have gotten lucky this time,” she gloated confidently. I rolled my eyes.
“So did I. Look how that ended up.” I could hear Ria’s grin melt away.
“How are you holding up?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Ok, well you sound a little better than the day you left if it’s any consolation to yourself. Where are you right now?”
“I’m on the road. We’re heading to Pennsylvania.”
“We?”
“Long story.”
“I got time, bastard.”
“Um,” I looked over at Quinn. He was focused on the road but, even over the noise of the heavy music, I could tell he could hear everything I was saying.
“Wanna meet him?” Might as well include him in the conversation. It’s not like I could hide anything anyways.
“Hell yes! Did you pick up some hot hitchhiker along the way?”
“Just stop talking, Ria. I’m putting you on speaker.” Quinn sent me a brief, questioning look that I ignored. I just put the phone on speaker and held it between us and prayed Ria wouldn’t say anything stupid.
“Alright, Ria this is Quinn. Quinn, this is my friend from Greenville.”
“Best friend,” Ria corrected. Quinn smiled.
“Hello… Ria, was it?”
“Oh Lord he has a nice voice,” that stupid woman said. I could hear the smirk in her voice. I groaned. “Ria-”
“What? It’s the truth. Nice to meet you, Quinn. So how did a guy like Chris meet a guy like you?”
“You haven’t even met the guy, what do you mean ‘guy like you’. Shut up idiot.”
“What? I’m just curious.”
“Stop talking like you’re about to eat him alive then, goddamn.” The man beside me couldn’t help but laugh at our typical banter.
“You two sound like siblings.”
“We practically are,” Ria said smugly. “He lived with me after his fucked up excuse for a father sent him to the hospital-”
“Too much information,” I rushed to say. I swear Ria just lives to make life difficult for me.
“And his absent mother was already dead-”
“Ria-”
“So he really didn’t have anyone to turn to. I mean when the beatings were really bad, he would come over so my parents were already used to it. But that time he was in rough shape. Actually broke two ribs and earned a real knockout from both his old man and the shitheads at school who used to bully him like all the time just because he’s tr-”
“Ria!” I barked, voice echoing around the cabin of the car. Ria shut up immediately, not that I was shocked at that fact. I even startled myself. I took a breath. “I love you but shut the fuck up.” That seemed to bring her back to her senses.
“Right. Anyways,”
“I’m going to go now. I’ll call later.”
“Chris-”
“Bye Ria.” I hung up before she could say any more. I pressed my back flat against the worn out fabric of the seat. A growing pit ate away at my gut. With pursed lips, I looked up at the sky, trying to ignore every terrible voice in my head that reminded me what a useless piece of shit I was. Quinn didn’t press. Unlike Ria, he could read an atmosphere.
It’s not like I’m still closeted about that shit, but since I’ve grown up, I stopped telling people. As I met different folks and passed more as myself, the dead me was forgotten. I guess now I would rather keep it that way. And we aren’t up North. Safety is always a concern of people like me. People like me. I can’t even say it. That internalized hatred runs so deep I still can’t admit it to myself.
And maybe some part of me is scared of losing the remaining people I do have in my life. Ria knows, sure. But that’s different. She’s known since she’s met me. And so did Toby. To them, it wasn’t that big of a deal. But what if Quinn sees me the same way I see myself? What if he sees me the same way everybody else did all those years ago? Disgusting. Abnormal. Wrong.
For some reason, I can’t deal with that thought. He’s a stranger, sure, but I never want to feel that way again. Even if it means hiding that part of me for the rest of my life. I just want to be normal. I am normal. Right?
“I used to have a friend like that,” Quinn said out of the blue. I was surprised as I turned and found him smiling softly. “They always got way too invested in my shit. Complete blabbermouth. It used to annoy the fuck out of me. But now… I kinda miss it.”
“What happened?” I found myself asking. He shrugged.
“Nothing crazy. We just fell out of touch. You know, that’s the same friend you reminded me of at first.”
“I am not a blabbermouth,” I scowled.
“No,” he agreed. “You’re not.”
I looked back out the window, resting my head on the glass. I felt the abrupt need to explain myself. Maybe it was that fear that even he, too, would leave me. How dumb is that?
“Quinn, I-”
“No.”
“... huh?”
“Listen, Chris, you don’t have to explain anything. I told you before, I’m here if you want to talk but if you don’t want to, don’t. None of my business, right?” The smile on his face melted away at that pit eating away at me just a little. But it was still there. Still hungry.
"Thanks," I muttered softly as I closed my eyes. An old memory I wish I would have just forgotten resurfaced as I tried to fall asleep. Wake up, Christy.
***
“Wake up Christy-”
I opened my eyes. No one was there. Geez, did I fall asleep in a graveyard? I slowly got up, grabbing at my throbbing skull. Yup. Graveyard. Holy shit I have to puke.
“Christy!” Where the hell is that voice coming from? I groaned as I rubbed my temples, trying to save myself from the clutches of a nasty migraine to no avail. In the nick of time, I rolled over on my knees, puking up acid and whatever contents remained in my stomach from last night. It burned on the way back up. I apologized to the dead person who I just hacked my guts out on as though they could hear me. At least I missed the headstone.
“I knew I’d find you here.” This time, two feet planted themselves in my field of vision. I looked up, my snarky remark dying on my tongue. “Toby. What are you doing?”
“Saving you from yourself, of course.” He crouched down next to me, combing my hair away from my face. Dirt was caked into the blond locks.
“That’s not your job.”
“No, it isn’t. Why are you here, Christy?”
I looked up at the headstone beside the one I just puked all over, suddenly remembering why for myself. Toby followed my gaze, dropping to his knees in front of it.
“You know, most people give their dead loved ones flowers, not an empty bottle of Absolute.”
“Good thing she’s not my loved one then,” I sighed. The urge to puke once again seized my body and I crawled back over my own vomit, a sour taste coating my tongue followed by more bile and burning. Tobias said nothing as I continued to throw up. He waited patiently for me to finish. When the nausea temporarily subsided, I crawled back over to the headstone.
“Why do you do this to yourself, Christopher?” My boyfriend asked. I ignored him.
“Do you think she ever loved me?” The longer I stared at the death date the more of a joke it felt like. It was always like this.
“Did you ever love her?” Toby asked instead of answering.
“I wish I did. Maybe then I’d feel anything other than this insatiatiable void in my gut. I’m not even sad. Just…”
“Lonely?” He offered. I nodded. “I can’t miss someone I never knew. So why the hell am I like this right now?
“Because you miss the idea of having a mom. You’ve projected all your desires and wishes onto this person who you barely knew. And now that they’re gone…” there’s no point in wishing anymore. No more point in what if’s or maybe’s.
“Do you think things would have been different if I lived with her instead of That Man?”
Toby didn’t answer. I didn’t expect him to. He remained silent as I hid my tears behind my dirt-scuffed sleeves. And I mourned my childhood dreams of being raised in a different house, in a different world. And Toby ran his fingers through my matted hair, uncaring that the dirt stained his fingers. It was always like this. Since she died, all the pains in my life have just felt pointless.
***
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