Liam

This is the worst possible scenario, isn’t it?

It started strangely. I heard a woman’s voice in my room and then Caleb’s voice answering. I looked up but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at some lady I couldn’t see but could hear, asking about his girlfriend. I looked down at my phone again, bracing myself to hear the devastating news I needed to know. Because if Caleb had a girlfriend, then it didn’t matter that he was not from this world – or whatever this is – because he couldn’t be mine anyway.

Then I was at the top of the world. Because Caleb was into boys. One in particular. Me. And it felt so incredible.

But it also felt wrong. I wasn’t supposed to find out that way. So I didn’t try to pretend I wasn’t there. As soon as the lady (his mother?) left, I tried to come clean. The terrified look on his face felt like a slap. I had to make this right. Tell him that it was not only okay, but also wonderful. That I was feeling the same way. That we could work something out of all this mess, maybe, that…

It didn’t matter what I wanted to say. Because he faded away before I could even say the part about it being okay.

And since then, I haven’t been able to forget the hurt, shameful look on his face. The one that doesn’t need to be there. That shouldn’t be there. And it hurts to know that I helped put it there, albeit unintentionally.

“Maisie? What would you do if you had hurt someone’s feelings?”

“Apologize,” she replies like I’m the biggest idiot she had ever met.

“What if it’s not that easy?”

“And what if you stopped talking in riddles?” she says, sounding slightly annoyed.

I understand her point, but it’s not exactly like I can tell her what happened. This story is too personal still. Even for Maisie.

“So… there is this guy…”

Her eyes light up instantly. “A guy? What guy? Do you have a secret boyfriend?”

“Sort of. Not really. It’s complicated.”

“Okay,” she gracefully lets go. “What have you done to mystery boy?”

“I overheard him telling someone that he was into me, he found out that I heard, and he disappeared before I could tell him that there was nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“So, technically, you haven’t done anything wrong,” she says, obviously understanding the word ‘disappeared’ differently than I meant.

“I let him go.” I know I am being unfair to myself right now. But I still feel like a coward somehow. Maybe because I could have left the room when I realized I could hear him and he was going to share something personal.

“Then text him to tell him that you are sorry and that you like him too. It’s honestly not that hard.”

“Hmm… First of all, it is hard to put yourself out there like that.”

“Not when you know he likes you too.”

“Good point. But I don’t have his number.”

“Find him at lunch.”

“He doesn’t come here.”

“Social media?”

“I only know his first name.” That’s obviously only part of the problem, but it isn’t a lie either.

She rolls her eyes at me. “Why are you making this harder than it has to be? Find him the way you usually find him, apologize, tell him you like him too, and then kiss. It’s really not that difficult!”

She’s right. It isn’t. Except right now it is.

Maisie’s advice stays in my mind for a while, though. She’s right. All I have to do is wait for Caleb to appear again and then I can tell him everything. It doesn’t have to be awkward anymore.

But I haven’t seen him in days, regardless of the ridiculous amount of time I have spent in my room. Deep down, I can’t help thinking that this might have something to do with what happened. As if his shame is shielding him, keeping me out.

And I don’t know how to fix this in these conditions.

Until one night, I can’t take it anymore. I have to try something. If he can wish me out, if this is really what is happening, then perhaps I can wish him in.

So I sit on my bed, I think about him and I stare at the wall, exactly where he sat the last time we spoke, and I pour my heart out to him.

“Hey, Caleb. I don’t know if you can hear me. I don’t even know if you’re there. I haven’t really seen you lately. I thought… maybe it’s because you don’t want me to? And that is the most heartbreaking thing ever. Because I don’t want to lose you. This thing that brought us together… it has to be for something, right? And even without that… I would love to say that I don’t care that you’re gay, and you have a crush on me. But that would be a lie. I care. So much. Because I feel the same way, you understand? I know we don’t really know each other, but I want you to know that if you were in my world, I would ask you on a date so I would get a chance to. In a heartbeat. But since we can’t have that… Since all we have is this crazy thing… I still want to live it. Get to know you. Fall in love with you too, maybe. Even if we can’t touch. Even if we can’t really be together. Because I’d rather face the heartbreak than not having loved the disappearing boy. You get that, don’t you? Please. Just tell me that you heard that, and that you get it…”

And my heart could have burst when I heard: “I do.” I nearly jump and look at the desk. There he is, sitting on the desk once more, his homework on his knee. I can't help but smile. This is so like him to sit on the desk only to put the work on his legs.

"You're back," I breathe out.

"I didn't realize I had gone anywhere."

"I guess you didn't want to see me…"

"It was embarrassing."

"I get it. I truly do. But… at the same time… it wasn't. You only said words I was dying to hear."

"Really?"

"Really. Oh, and your mom was right. I would have to be a fool not to see how great you are."

He blushes, and he ever so slightly changes the subject. "It's something I wondered about last time when you said what you had heard first… did you really hear her?"

"I did."

"How does any of this even work?"

"I'm not sure," I admit. "But I have a few hypotheses."

"Such as?"

And for the rest of the time we are given that night, we don't talk about our feelings. Instead, we talk about this strange thing and try to understand how it works. First, we establish that we are probably from different worlds. The date and address are the same for both of us. So… he isn't from the past or the future, and he isn't appearing to me from a different location. Everything else about our worlds seems the same. Regarding the apparitions, we both agree that whatever this is, it is getting stronger. We see each other linger, we can talk, we are starting to be aware of the other's surroundings… We are not quite sure what comes next, but we are both eager to find out rather than scared of it. And we both decide to test my latest theory. Tomorrow night, we will try to will each other's presence. See if that works…"

Caleb

I am feeling a little nervous. Partly because of what is about to happen. In a few minutes, I will know if this is possible for us to will the other's presence. But also… we made plans about seeing each other at a specific time. It almost feels like a date.

I know we can't go out, we can't touch, and there won't be any sort of goodnight kiss, but… I still took time to shower, pick out clothes, and style my hair. Sort of.

My alarm goes off and I close my eyes, wishing with all my heart that he would be there when I open them.

And he is. Sitting on his own bed, which I can see today, smiling. I take a second to notice that he clearly dressed up too for this.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey, you," he replies.

We manage to stay together for a couple of hours. We talk about a lot of things. Everything, really. I am once more amazed at how easy it is to talk to him. And I try to ignore that voice saying that this is a bad idea, that falling for him will only hurt when one or both of us has to move from this room… I simply let myself enjoy the moment, and I let myself fall. Hard.

"This was supposed to be my brother's room," he tells me one evening. Now that we can wish our encounters into being, we have been talking pretty much every day. "When we moved here. But we swapped last minute. I don’t even remember why. I’m so glad we did, now.”

“I’m sure your brother is great, but… yeah. I’m glad too.”

“What about you? Do you have siblings?”

“No.”

“Just you and your parents?”

“It’s a bit more complicated.” He looks at me with big eyes that say ‘I’m here to listen if you want, but you don’t have to’. I do want to. So I tell him all about my mother who left when I was a baby, my father who sort of tried and disappeared when I was a kid, how I entered foster care and moved from placement to placement, never getting an awful one you sometimes hear about on the news, but never the right one either. Until now. Until Mary.

Until him, too, I guess.

He asks a couple of questions. Nothing offensive, nothing stupid, nothing unsupportive…

“Hey, Caleb?”

“Yes?”

“Do you want to try touching again?” He sounds shy and nervous which is almost unlike him. We both know that even if we disappear, we are very likely to see each other again tomorrow. So he is afraid of something else. I get it. I want to try too but I am almost terrified as well. If he disappears again, then it means that we might never be able to touch. If he doesn’t, then… that would be us touching for the first time. Opening a door to new possibilities.

It is scary.

Just not enough to keep us from trying.

We slowly walk across the room and we stop right in the middle, inches from each other, almost sharing the same breath. No one disappears.

I move my hand closer to grab his fingers, heart beating crazily, and Liam fades away.

This time, I’m pretty sure our skins brushed first.

Unless it was all in my head.

 Liam

So much of my waking time is spent thinking about Caleb. And pretty much all my sleeping time, actually. It is partly because of the crazy circumstances around us, true, but this is mostly about the boy. However I would have met him, I’m pretty sure he would have stolen my heart. Because there is no way to deny it anymore. I am in love with him. After weeks of talking every night… I really want to ask him to be my boyfriend.

I’m pretty sure he would say yes. But that’s the problem, actually. What future are we building together? We can’t touch, we can’t go out, we can’t make plans for after graduation unless I give up on my dream colleges and go near enough that I can live at home… And yet, I still want him to be mine. I feel so much happier after talking to him for a few minutes than I was after kissing Jake… Maybe this could be enough to make us both happy for a while.

It is at least worth a shot, isn’t it?

I haven’t ‘summoned’ Caleb tonight. It’s not that I don’t want him here, and I would genuinely be happy if he showed up, but… I also have a piercing headache.

I have long discarded my homework and I tried to clear my mind by working on my personal project, but even that was too much. So I am sitting at my desk, hands against my eyes, resting on my elbows. I should go to bed, really. It would…

I freeze. I felt something. Fingers in my hair.

I look up and Caleb is there, sitting on the desk, looking surprised. “I’m really sorry,” he says. “You couldn’t hear me, you looked in pain, and that always helps me when I have a headache… Plus I really, really thought that I would disappear before being able to touch it, not that it would make me appear, and…”

“Do it again,” I interrupt him.

“What?”

“It felt nice. Do it again.”

He smiles and slides his fingers in my hair again. I close my eyes, let my head rest on his thigh, and let him gently massage my scalp. It does help. And it feels so nice. Much nicer than kissing Jake. And we’re touching. Not that I can focus on it now with the way my head hurts, but… it is a massive step, isn’t it?

“Why do you always sit on the desk?” I ask him as his fingers start working on the nape of my neck. Honestly, I could purr.

“When I was ten, I was in a home where I had to share my room with two other boys. We had one desk. So we got creative in the way we shared the space. I guess I kept the habit.”

“Why not do your homework somewhere else?”

“I don’t really remember. I just remember that Tim used the desk, I used the window sill, and Ben used the wall.”

I hum, my mind drifting a little. I think I might fall asleep if we keep doing this. But I don’t want to stop and he doesn’t seem to mind.

“What’s in the notebook?” he asks. “I know it’s not the one you use for your homework and I always wondered.”

“I write.”

“Stories?”

“No. Later I’d like to write books explaining complex science to children and teenagers. Maybe adults, too. Take the big, scary concepts and make that knowledge available to all.”

“That’s cool.”

“I don’t know if I’m any good, though. It’s always hard to know if it’s simple enough to be understood by someone with less knowledge without being boring or patronizing.”

“I’m rubbish at science. Maybe next time you can show me a few pages and I’ll tell you how I feel after reading it.”

I smile. I never let anyone around work in progress. “I’d love to.” Because Caleb isn’t just anyone.

“Hey. Maybe you should move,” he says.

That is the absolute last thing I want. “Why?”

“What if I disappear and your head hits the desk?”

“I’m willing to risk it.”

“Okay. Five more minutes.”

His other hand appears on my head too. This is heaven.

I wake up in my bed. I don’t really remember how I made it to my bed. The last thing I remember is resting my head on Caleb’s warm leg, his fingers in my hair.

Am I the biggest idiot that this planet has ever held? When I knew we couldn’t touch, I tried to and made him disappear, and now that we were given the chance, I didn’t make the most of it?

Honestly, who, on this entire planet, would have their dream boy fully materialize for the first time and not even go for the kiss? I don’t care how unwell I was. I should have gone for it.

What if our bond was only getting stronger to give us that moment and now we are going to slowly fade into nothingness?

I bury my head in my pillow and groan.

“Good morning to you too.”

I jump and look up. He’s there, in his bed, apparently waking up too. His hair is messy, his t-shirt is slightly lifted, his smile is soft and tired… This is the best possible start for this weekend.

“Hi.”

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just… was yesterday weird?”

“Yes. I would say that every day I see a boy that might be from a different reality, that might not even exist, can be classified as ‘weird’.”

I smile. I like when he is like this. “You know what I mean.”

“I thought it was nice,” he replies, creating a warm feeling in my chest. “How is your head?”

“Much better.”

“Good.”

“That was probably thanks to…” he disappears before I can finish. I do anyway. “…you.”

 ...