I missed seventeen emails in the time I spent on the freeway and at Ronie’s, not bad for the Thursday before our big launch. I spent some time in the traffic back home directing my phone to send automated email replies and coordinating my Friday schedule. I make time for myself tonight, just enough to watch a stand-up I’ve been saving for a special occasion. I should be more shaken by the encounter with Ronie but I cannot feel anything other than appreciation for their frankness. Working with Aashvi is the goal. Learning from her might be worth the investment itself regardless of the fact that we have not yet turned a quarterly profit.

 I send a final email to Aashvi before pulling into the garage under my apartment complex. The elevator smells like a musty hospital ward and drops me off on the 5th floor. Living near the top affords a semi-decent view of the skyline across the water interrupted only by a larger concrete monstrosity to the right of the view. Watching the unchanging lights is about the closest thing to a sedative that I’ve experienced having been straight edge my entire life. 

 Some nights, I may spend up to an hour watching the faraway buildings with their lights and people and problems. I look over there now and the stress leaves my body in waves beginning with my jaw unclenching, my shoulders relaxing, and my breathing slows and deepens. The carpet was vacuumed yesterday and still feels fresh under my feet. I feed the cats before heading into the shower to enjoy the hot water and smells of lavender and honeysuckle. Fresh out of the shower, I reclined in my adjustable bed-- perhaps the one true luxury I own. I pulled out my laptop, ignored an email from Ronie, and pressed play on the Netflix window I had opened back in the office this morning. 

Pajamas on, I giggled after the opening joke’s punchline, “No, I didn’t sleep with her-- that would make ME the bad person!” The crowd laughs and I pull the covers up-- laughter is a strange thing, the audience and I shared a moment across time and space even if some of those in the audience might already be dead. The sound of their laughter is perhaps their only lasting contribution to the eternity of recorded memory. Ronie only surprised me because they yelled. Doubt, even momentary, is poison to progress, and then my breathing slowed to a crawl.

---

Eighteen blocks away, Aashvi sits at her workstation and compares notes she made months ago to a section code the intern edited. Could she be losing her touch? Days before the marketing launch and she’s back to editing backend shit that should have been solid months ago. She hasn’t slept well in weeks and the weight of the world hangs in the bags under her eyes. They need to be shown that they know the way. She works until the text on the screen swims around and only then does she leave to her bed. 

---

In the months leading up to our launch, the anticipation and stress in the office skyrocketed. There wouldn’t be additional revenue if the launch didn’t go well and if it did go well to expect to begin receiving bids on our data and analysis. The hard part was knowing the value of what we had created and hiding it as best as possible. Corporate espionage is exceptionally bad in tech and attracting bad actors at this crucial point could prove disastrous. Aashvi asked me to plan this Sunday pre-launch party at The Geraghty a few weeks ago. The event space was elegant but open enough to allow our employees room to socialize and drink without feeling penned together as they are in the office. Everyone from Aashvi to our IT crew was here and with 67 of our employees confirming a plus one, we had about 128 people attending. 

Clay, our office manager, babysat the punch bow for most of the night and was beginning to show signs of collapsing. His exceptionally tall wife, Pamela, had parked herself at my table away from the throng on the dancefloor and explained all the renovations she had planned for the coming Summer. She excused herself to drag him to the restroom when she recognized what she called ‘his queasy look.’

Clay had been for some time in a sort of unspoken drinking contest with Aashvi. They exchanged a glance early in the night to confirm they would be continuing their end of month battles here-- needless to say he forfeited when he went to vomit. Aashvi was taking a victory lap with a Moscow Mule when she approached my table, her large brown eyes swam under the influence but her voice was lucid as ever when she said, “Round everyone up. I have something I gotta say.” She ignored the wide stage at the front of the hall in favor of standing directly on my table and banged a spoon against her copper mug. 

I cut across the dancefloor noting which interns had paired together to tease them later. I asked the DJ to cut the music and waited a few moments for the noise to die down before speaking into the microphone he handed me, “Please make your way to the back of the hall, our founder and CEO would like to share a few thoughts with all of you.” Our guests looked confused while some of the employees exchanged nods and grins. Aashvi’s drunk speeches and rants were the stuff of office legend. 

By the time I made my way back to the table, a small crowd had gathered around the table where Aashvi stood in a long yellow dress and conversed briefly with Jake, a member of the board. She raised her head when the noise dropped a bit and she began by saying, “Thank you all so much for taking time from your very busy schedules to enjoy this moment of celebration with us today! You all work so very, very hard and deserve all the parties in the world-- no doubt about that. I just have a few things I want to say to all of you before we let the festivities continue.” She looked to me and smiled, “Without Morgan here, none of this would be possible so let’s all give her a round of applause. Ok, ok. I know I need to get to the point. And the point is that you cannot change the world without loving it first. No, the point is that to change the world you have to love yourself first. No, I don’t think I’m saying this right, sorry I’m drunk.” She looked around at the expectant, amused faces with something like dismay and closed her eyes for a second. 

She raised her head to look into our faces again and said, “Yes, I meant everything I said before, love the world and yourself. But, to really love the world, you need to let the world change you.” She smiled at everyone satisfied with the point she made. I saw Pamela beginning an applause from the back of the crowd so I joined her. Soon, we were all clapping over a message perhaps none of us truly received. With that, Aashvi dismounted the table and signaled the DJ to continue the music. The lights flashed and people dispersed and I didn’t see her for the rest of the night as she partied hard before the most important day of our lives.