It was our third evening at the cabin and whe had decided to play some poker after dinner. 

"Hey Dave can I ask you something?" John asked with a serious expression. 

I just nodded while keeping my eyes on my cards. 

He cleared his throat and rubbed his neck. "Well I wanted to ask you... why are you so depressed? I mean...you life isn't that bad right?"

There was a moment of silence before Lu slammed his fist on the table and almost braking it in two. "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS! YOU CAN'T ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT!"

"Why not?" John asked while frowning.

"It's totally insensitive and a completely inappropriate?!" Lu screeched.

Both of them were starring each other down and I could feel the air thickening around us.

I sight and then said "Lu it's okay. I know that John didn't mean it in a bad way. He is just curious and wants to understand it better." 

Both of them seemed to relax a bit.

"So...?" John asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Well it's hard to explain..." I answer while scratching my head.

"It's like having a battery inside of you that somehow never charges probably no matter what you do and runs out way quicker than other people's. For example on a bad day you are only on like 15% power and well have you ever tried to get through an entire day with only that on your phone? That doesn't work..." 

"But there are good days too right?" Lu asked with a hopeful smile.

I sight and looked down. 

"Even on the really good days the battery never gets above like maybe 50%. Well... and if you do a lot of things because you feel better then normally you still get exhausted way quicker than other people and the next day you are again to tired for anything. " 

"I always thought that depression has to do with being sad like all the time." John said quietly.

"That's not completely correct... at least not for me. I can be happy and stuff but it's not that often and it doesn't lasts long because even then there are always these thoughts telling me that my happiness won't last long and other things that will ruin the good mood." 

John grabbed my hand and squeezed it lightly "Can't you just tell yourself that those thoughts are stupid and that everything is going to be fine?" 

I felled a lump forming in my throat.

"Yeah at the beginning maybe it still works as a motivation but when you get to the point where you are so bruised and bloodied from falling down one to many times, it becomes almost like torture when you force yourself to stand up again..... some day eventually you come even to the point where you just want to stay down and close your eyes and give up." After saying those words I just stayed silent because I could feel that if I said one more word I would probably start crying.

Lu who was sitting the closest to me pulled me into a hug.

"It's okay Dave. You don't need to continue if you don't want to." 

Only then I noticed the tears that where already running down my cheeks.

I pulled away and tried to wipe them away with the back of my hand but Lu just pulled me in again and started to pet my head.

"So if it like that.... then what can we do as your friends to help you?" Asked John while still holding my left hand.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe just be there and try to be understanding? But please don't over do it because that would only make me feel guilty because i don't want you guys to also get a bad case of broken battery." 

Both of them nodded. 

We just set there for a few minutes without saying anything until Lu announced that he needed a drink.

The rest of the evening we continued to play cards, get drunk and argued over the new session of our favorite show. 

I was kinda happy after finally talking about it with them. Even if they didn't feel the same as I did I still knew that they at least tried to understand and be supportive. That was definitely better than those people who had down played it and told me to just smile and be happy even when I felled dead inside.