Second semester goes by much faster than the first, it’s also twice as intense and the whole thing is a blur. Before anybody knows it the school year is over, us juniors are becoming seniors, and Benjamin is leaving for Tennessee in three days. We decide to go out to the desert one last time before he leaves.

We stare at the night sky and talk, it’s warm. It rained earlier today and the scent still lingers.

“Leo,” he says, “can I tell you something?”

“Of course.” I say.

“You can’t get weird or be mad.”

“I won’t.”

“I like guys.” He says. “I’m gay.”

I nod, but I know he’s not looking. “Okay.”

“Does it bother you?” He asks.

“No.” I’m not surprised, it wasn’t hard to guess.

“That’s why those guys beat me up.” He says, his breathing getting shallow. “They caught me kissing a guy.”

“I’m sorry.” I say. “That’s pretty fucked up.”

“Yeah, it is. It really sucked.”

“Did you know them?”

“Sort of, they went to my school.”

“What about the guy you were kissing? What happened to him?”

“He took a couple of hits, but he ran away. I didn’t get the chance.” I can tell he’s crying, I never know what to do when people cry so I just stay quiet and let him get it out.

He stops after a while and we get in the truck and go to sleep, things don’t feel any different and I’m thankful for that. I don’t know if I expected anything to change. I don’t know why it would but I’m happy it didn’t.

We drive home the next day and rock out to Godsmack’s  new album, IV. We’ve been listening to it a lot, it’s a good album. Really heavy, really great, and I think we’re both in the mood for something loud and angry.

We go to his house, I drop in to say my goodbyes to the family. Oscar hugs me, it used to make me uncomfortable but I’ve gotten used to his affection. Kelly also gives me a hug, this is a rare occurrence. I appreciate the gesture, though. I hug her back. They’re all leaving for the summer so I won’t get to hang out here at all, I’ve found I like it much more than my house. Everyone feels closer, they’ve become my family and it really sucks I won’t get to see them at all this summer.

Benjamin and I go to the reptile room one last time until next school year, the snakes are all in their travel totes, but I take Chelsea out to hold her one last time. She’s my favorite to this day.

“I’m going to miss you, Leo.” He says, holding Kringle, who still hates being handled. Benjamin thinks it’s just a bull snake thing.

“Yeah.” I say.

He sighs. “I’m still kind of nervous to go back.”

“I can imagine, but you’ll be fine. Just stick with your friends.”

He nods. “What if they attack my friends?”

“You don’t even know if there is a ‘they’, Benjamin. People might not like it, but most of them won’t beat you up.”

“I don’t know, Leo.” We put the snakes away.

Benjamin steps forward and hugs me, I hug him back. “I’m going to miss you.” He says.

“I’ll miss you too.” I say.

The moment has an odd intimacy, it's totally different than hugging his parents. I really will miss him. The truth is, I’m scared somebody might try to attack him and I won’t be there to protect him. I don’t know if his other friends will be there, I don’t know if they would run and leave him behind like that other douche bag did.

We stand like that for a long time, until his dad calls him and we’re forced to let go of each other. I don’t want to look at him because I’m scared my eyes will be watery. I don’t want him to see me crying.

“See ya.” I say, I shout goodbyes to Oscar and Kelly as they leave. I get in my truck and drive back out to the desert, I go to my spot, the spot that became mine and Benjamin’s. We’ve spent so much time out here and we will again when he comes back in the fall.

This fucking sucks, I keep wiping tears off my face. I’m not a crier, I can’t remember the last time I cried like this. It makes me feel weak.

But, shit, I’m really going to miss Benjamin. Spending summer alone is going to suck, I’d gotten used to hanging out with somebody every weekend, to hardly ever being alone. I was always able to just drop by their house with no warning, nobody ever batted an eye.

I finally stop crying but I give myself a few extra minutes to calm down, this time tomorrow Benjamin will be well on his way to Tennessee and I’ll have to find something to entertain myself all summer.

I go home where Mom is making dinner, steak and baked potatoes. I’m quiet while we eat and nobody asks me what’s wrong, I’m sure my eyes are still red. I know they don’t want to pry and, if I wanted to tell them something, I could. Sometimes, though, it would be nice if somebody asked.

I go to my room and hug Alton, I listen to Breaking Benjamin and think about what I’m going to do this summer. I fall asleep a while after the album ends and when I wake up the next day I know exactly what I want to do. When Dad gets home that night I ask him about his old weightlifting set, he says it’s in the shed. He seems excited I want to work out.

Over the next week or so we get the weights set up in the spare room, I spend a few hours a day—sometimes more—in there, it’s nice. It takes my mind off things.

It makes me feel good about myself for possibly the first time ever.