Ethan sighed for the umpteenth time.

He placed and replaced the books on the shelves and his desk as though doing it would erase the events of the morning from his memory. Oh, if it was only easy to remove memories from your brain...

He came to his second-hand bookshop from his parents’ house this morning. Deep down, he knew that going there would be a mistake. While he loved his parents and siblings, seeing them reminded Ethan of his shortcomings.

His three other siblings were successful in their fields. His older brother was an esteemed professor, the younger twins were on their way to their doctorates, with one of the twins, Fifi, presenting her papers at conferences around and outside the country.

Ethan was happy for them, sure. He was more than happy, he was proud as if those were his own achievements. But a part of him also twinged with regret that he was not like them. Despite all the nagging of their parents, he just couldn’t see himself be like his siblings or he would not have dropped out of his master’s degree.

The conversation always starts the same, always with the harmless, “How are you?” from his mother.

He groaned, and Fifi shot him a pitying look. He kept his answer short but gave it to his mother to find a way to steer the conversation on her favorite topic -- Ethan’s future.

“How’s your bookshop? I imagine there would be fewer people buying now since most students came back home, and classes are held online. Books are non-essential things so how can people prioritize buying from your store? It’s hard now because of the economy.” She rambled on and on. The litany of criticisms was short of “Then, how do you keep afloat?”

When he did not answer, her mother continued, taking it as a way to prove her point.

“Why don’t you go back to being a secretary? Go back to your old boss. See if they need another staff. You had a more stable position there, right?”

Ethan felt like his breakfast was stuck on his throat.

“Oops, look at that. I’m going to be late.” Fifi said a little too loudly. “Come on, Ethan. You promised to help me get to the university.”

Their mother frowned, “What about Sam?”

“I have to give a talk to another university so I can’t help Fifi.” Fifi’s twin, Sam, shrugged.

Fifi tugged at Ethan’s arm, almost pulling him out of his chair. When they were out of earshot, she whispered, “Don’t mind mom.”

“Fee, don’t.” It was embarrassing enough to be reminded of his unsuccessfulness in front of his overachieving siblings. He did not need pity from them too. “But thank you. I’ll send you a copy of the manga you wanted later. Don’t open it until you are alone.” He nudged at her shoulder and that made her giggle.

“Too spicy?”

“Very.” That made the two of them snicker.

They made a quick trip to the store before he sent his sister to the university. When he handed the BL manga anthology, Fifi said seriously, “I’m doing this for research, okay. Don’t misunderstand. I just want to be enlightened and enlighten other people.”

Ethan nodded solemnly. “Yes, of course. You only wanted to educate the masses.”

They both laughed.

Ethan laughed again now that he remembered. Give it to his sister to always brighten his day. He got along well with his brothers despite everything, but she was more than a younger sister. She was an ally and a fellow BL fan. Fifi was the one who introduced him to the boys love genre albeit indirectly.

Giving up with arranging the books, he returned to his computer and wanted to close it again upon seeing all the red digits on the open document. He might be laughing earlier, but his joyful mood was replaced with misery after looking at his expenses sheet. The economy crashed because of the recession, and of course, books were not the priority of most people to buy. The economy was slowly recovering, but it was not enough. Ethan was on the brink of dipping into his savings. 

His mother’s words echoed in his head. 

Someone cleared their throat. “Excuse me, I want to pay.”

Ethan looked up, and his day brightened up once more.