Maybe fear is not the right word, but it's the only one that makes sense right now. Fear and borderline panic. My fingers travel across the notebook's page, running over the constellations depicted in it. They glow against the deep blue of the pages, I wish I could make them float in the air as she does. There's a loud noise outside and I run to the other side of the desk, hitting my knee and jumping into the chair.

Of course, it had to be just a cat. I sigh and stand up again, starting to wander around the study. A few seconds pass and I start thinking about leaving, but it was already hard enough to sneak into her office for giving up now. I mean, I know it was a terrible idea in the first place. Amatheia's patience is almost inexhaustible but I know I have been close to drain it a couple of times already.

"Do you need anything?" If voices had a color, hers would be silver.

I turn around without any idea on how to react, I don't even know what my face says right now. She only smiles. Now that I think about it, everyone around me is always smiling. Is my confusion that funny? I just really hope she's not mad at me, I want to come up with a great excuse just in case, but I can't think of anything else.

"I-I want to ask you f-for a f-favor." My voice breaks despite all my attempts to sound confident.

"Oh, really? A favor?" She asks as if she was extremely interested, she could be a great actress. "I guess it must be really, really important to come here instead of waiting until Tuesday." Even annoyed, her voice is so subtle and calm.

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"You just, what?" She let out a big sigh as if she had lost faith in the conversation.

"Ijust reallydidn'twant anyonetofindout!" I spit and jump into one of the bubble chairs, as if I could disappear in it.

"Little droplet, is everything okay?" She asks and I can feel the concern in her voice. "Because you have been acting weird for a couple of weeks now."

"I'm fine, really," I lie. Suddenly this whole idea feels stupid and I just want to go.

"Is your chest okay? Did you see someone already?" She reaches out her hand to touch my cheek, it's ice-cold but it doesn't bother me.

"It's fine, don't worry." I gulp. "It's about my future."

"Droplet, if you needed a session with Kariye you could have just ask-"

"I want to become your apprentice!" I say suddenly try to stop shaking. "I know that's not my gift but I can make it my specialty, I really like nature and the stars, and I don't even like the sun and-"

"And if you do that you wouldn't have to be part of the ceremony, right?"

I don't know if it's because she knows me way too well or the stars help her see people as if their skin was see-through. I close my eyes, waiting for the disappointed stare.

"You know the tryout ceremony is very important to find our role in our community," she says, as calm as always, "you could waste your life and talents away just for a passing fear."

She knows me, yes, but not even she can read me well. This is way more than a passing fear. I don't want to, I refuse to let my future be dictated by a stupid ceremony. I can't just wait there for them to tell me what I already know, to confirm what everyone is thinking already. I don't need anyone to say out loud how of a good for nothing I am, how useless my talent is. I don't need them to put me doing some stupid unimportant job like watching how high the tide gets at night.

Then my chest starts hurting again, and as much as I want to hide it from her I can't. She runs her finger through my sternum and all the way down to my ribs. I can't help but cry. I'm scared and mad and now it hurts! Why do I have to cry all the time?

She holds my cheeks and looks into my eyes, the pain slowly fades away.

"You can skip them if you want to", she mutters under her breath, "Is this the same pain you were feeling the other times?"

"Yes but the other times it was more intense," I answer a bit confused.

She stands up and runs to the door, opening it and inviting me out.

"It will be better if you rest." Her silver voice gets stained with other colors I can't recognize.

"Thank you, mother."

"I knew you really didn't want to be my apprentice," she said laughing but I can notice a speck of sadness in her voice. "The stars are not your thing, Droplet, not as much as the raindrops."

I laugh back, it's better that way. The thought of having to read all the books she had in her library made me anxious. Plus, I would have never been on the same level as her. What I still can't understand is what made her change her attitude all of a sudden. Before turning around I notice her semblance is really worried now, she's going through her phone as if she was looking for something.

"Elara"

"Yes?"

"Please stop going out before dawn, you're going to get worse."