"Still clinging to that cute little story"

"You'll admit the truth when you feel ready"

Quinn's words were still occupying my mind. I wondered if it was that obvious that what I told them wasn't my actual reasoning.

It's not like it was an entirely made-up lie. Although I wasn't interested in the boys solely because I was gay, I wasn't making up that I had a childhood crush who didn't leave my mind. The things that I had left out were that the person I had a crush on was a girl and might only exist in my dreams.

Although I couldn't exactly recall what happened, my mind was replaying the scenes in my head. 

Memories of a sunny day at a park in Tampa, Florida were filling my head. I was like six or seven years old, and Dad had to run some errands for work, so Mom and I decided to tag along and look around the city.

The little me heard the words "fun" and "playground," and just like that, she was convinced. But I was bummed out because Quinn and Ida couldn't come with me, I liked having them around me just as much as I did now, maybe even more than that.

At some point, I ended up at the park which was no simple "playground." What I found there was way bigger than anything I had seen in my short life. It had everything a small child could imagine, and even more. I had the fun that was promised to me, but as I was still suffering from my congenital heart disease back then, I became dizzy after being active for an extended period of time.

Thus, after enjoying myself for quite a while, I started to feel sick and tired. As that was something that happened quite often, I was used to it. Usually, all I had to do was rest for a moment, and I'd be okay again.

I sat down beneath a large oak tree, the grass tickling my legs, and the green leaves hiding me from the sun. As it was quiet and comfortably warm, I became very sleepy, and shortly after, I gave in to the pleasant feeling and fell asleep.

But when I woke up, my head was hurting while Mom was holding me in a tight embrace. Apparently, I played with some other kids after waking up, and when I tried pulling myself up on a rope at the climbing frame, I fell down head first.

I had vague memories of talking to a girl who handed me a small braided bracelet which had the same color as her long, light blue hair. I couldn't recall her face or any details; the only thing on my mind was beautiful blue hair and a soft voice telling me, "Keep this. Until we meet again."

When I asked Mom about her, she answered that there was no girl with blue hair, which made me realize that, due to me falling and injuring my head, my mind might have mixed up the colors of the bracelet and that girl's hair. Meaning, the blue-haired girl who I had a crush on probably only existed in my mind.

I didn't want to believe that because it didn't feel like a fantasy at all, but at the same time, it was dream-like, as, although I couldn't remember her face at all, I had the feeling that everything about that girl was... somehow perfect. Not that I could recall any describable details, it was just a feeling of flawlessness that came with this girl.

It was at that point that I realized I was gay. Not that I knew that it was called being gay or that it was something special, I thought it was normal for me to like that girl. Luckily, I also didn't know what a crush was back then, else I might have come out to Quinn and Ida by accident.

As soon as I understood what exactly all that meant, I realized that it sounded absurdly stupid, so I never told anyone about it. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't know what to say. The only thing I mentioned to Ida and Quinn was that I had a childhood love who I couldn't forget, as that was a pretty good excuse for hiding my disinterest in men.

"Hellooo? Brea? Are you there?" Ida's voice pulled me out of my thoughts with her hand waving in front of my face.

I looked around and realized that I was sitting in my seat inside the cheer squad's clubroom, all girls on the team looking at me. We had arrived at the meeting, but I got lost in my thoughts after sitting down; I had been spacing out for quite a while probably.

"I thought we had lost you, you kept on sitting there, staring into nothingness with a dumb expression on your face for several minutes," said Zarah, the head cheerleader, chuckling.

"Sorry..." I started but sighed while looking down, "I got lost in my thoughts..."

"You probably didn't hear a thing of what we were talking about, did you?" asked Zarah chuckling and I simply shook my head lightly. She then sighed jokingly before continuing with a mocking voice, "How could our school's 'straight-A honors student' sink so low? Disappointing..."

The girls started laughing again, but so did I. There was this running gag in our group about me being a disappointment whenever something like this happened. The reason for that was that at school I had the best grades and was an honors student, so everyone believed that I was studying hard all the time. But, I was kind of a lazybutt who couldn't be bothered to study a single bit. I just had been lucky enough to be able to easily remember things, so hearing the stuff in class was enough to deal with tests.

Day after day, I'd either work out with Quinn and Ida or just lie around while watching series and movies. But that part was unknown to the public. The cheer girls were the only ones who knew about me being lazy and not studying at all, but besides my parents, only Quinn and Ida had knowledge about me being a nerd in disguise.

This group of girls were the only people in my school who were more than fellow students to me. Becoming friends with Quinn and Ida in kindergarten just sort of happened, but becoming close to the rest of the cheer squad was inevitable, as I had to spend lots of time with them. And dealing with five teenage girls and all their problems at the same time was exhausting enough for me, I didn't want more friends than that.

But I liked being around the girls, it's not like I was forced being with them against my own will. I enjoyed working out with them, and not only because I could watch a bunch of highly attractive girls in cheerleading uniforms bounce around. At least not solely because of that. It just felt good to be physically active from time to time and to hang out with people I was close to.

My daily life consisted of sleeping, school, hanging or working out with Quinn and Ida or the cheer squad, lying in bed watching series while eating snacks and sweets, and finally going to sleep again. There was no room for things like studying.

Then Zarah started talking again, "Okay, I'll sum up everything you need to know. First, like every year, we'll be training two or three times a week, on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It's compulsory to at least go to two of the three training sessions, starting in the second week of summer break. We won't be meeting up in the first week, so use that time to relax. But make sure to be ready to give it your all starting second week."

"Second, we don't have a date for the 'summer club meeting' yet, I'll message you as soon as the day is decided," continued Zarah.

"And what is the plan for that? Same as last year?" I asked.

Zarah nodded and replied, "Yes, we will meet at the beach behind your house and host a small party among us."

I usually didn't go to parties nor did I drink alcohol, because I had some unpleasant experiences with both of those.

I had seen enough people mess up their life because of drinking too much, and at some point, there had even been problems within my family because of it. And as parties with sixteen- to eighteen-year-olds mostly consist of music and alcohol, I usually wasn't interested.

That didn't mean that I didn't enjoy partying with the girls, or that I never had drunk alcohol in my life. I did go to the parties of the cheer club and the ones which were organized by my friends because those were usually girls-only.

A year prior, I had been to one party where some guys showed up, and that was one party too much. I didn't like boys in general, but after they get drunk, it gets way worse. They suddenly gain some courage they didn't have while sober.

So, at that party, I got hit on by some dudes. That wasn't anything new for me, there had even been one funny guy, I didn't know him, but he had without a doubt been way too drunk. He came over to me, tapped on my shoulder and said a slurred "Heyyy" before stumbling back to his friends.

But the problem was someone else. One guy was persistent. He couldn't accept the fact that I didn't want to go home with him. After trying countless times, he grasped my arm, pulled me closer and grabbed my chest.

I wiggled myself free and slapped him with all my strength that I could accumulate in my shocked state. I left that place immediately after, and never wanted to go to a party with guys again. It's not like I felt fear or anything like that towards them, I merely felt disgusted.

That was the first time in my life that I slapped someone. It felt sickening having this random guy grab me on such a spot. I mean, I had been touched there before, by girls from the cheer squad, but that was different. When any of the girls placed their hands on my chest, it was merely to mess with me for fun while getting dressed in the changing room. For one reason or another, the girls did that from time to time. Not only to me but to everyone on the team.

Not that I did that to anyone. It didn't feel right for me to do it, I was gay after all. It was the same for looking at the other girls while changing. The girls looked at each other and commented on their bodies, comparing their stomach, breasts, and muscles with each other. But I tried to avert my eyes from them as much as possible.

"As we all can obviously see, Brea's mind is drifting off to the distance again. She clearly wants to start the holidays," Zarah chuckled as I had been spacing out again, "but there isn't anything else to discuss anyway. Have a nice summer, girls. Oh, and if you still have some stuff in your locker that you want to take home, please don't forget to take it with you. We won't be able to use our building until the second week of summer break, remember?"