Miracles don’t happen.
That’s something that happens in movies and tv shows.
They especially don’t happen in my life. Definitely not to me.
I backed up. This wasn’t real, there was some kind of trick. Some kind of trap. I looked at Hunter. He smiled at me. “I told you I would do whatever it takes.”
I thought I was coming to find him standing over my grandfather's dead body. Honestly I thought Gramps would never wake up.
He still had everything where he was considered to be alive, but he didn’t have the will to wake up. Yet here he was. I gripped my chest.
I reached for the wall for support, but stumbled instead. “Noo- th-this-” My voice was shaking. I couldn’t manage the words. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. I don’t want to see this idea. The seed of hope planted in my mind. I couldn’t stop the tears welling in my eyes.
Fuck it.
I ran ahead and crashed into my Gramps. I let the tears flow. “Hey kiddo.” He stroked my hair. I breathed in the scent. The one that hid under the bland hospital soap.
He was gentle. His fingers were warm. When I had finally understood this was real. I looked at him. “How? How are you-”
“That man over there.” I looked to Hunter who still stood awkwardly in the corner staring.
“I know that he means the world to you, just like you mean the world to me. I did some research and found a cure.”
“Thank you.” The words came out so softly it was almost as if I didn’t speak them.
“I’ll give you guys some time to catch up together.” He smiled once more. As soon as the door clicked closed behind him Gramps grabbed my face and forced me to look at him.
“I may be an old man but I’m not stupid. What the hell is going on?” I pulled away but sat on the bed. I opened up. I explained everything. Since he had fallen asleep I explained my testing. I was honest. I told him about how I had become an outcast because I was an omega. I told him that the money that he and gram had left for me was gone. I hesitated before I told him about the jobs I needed to get. I caved in and told him about all of the jobs.
When I spoke to him I didn’t have the courage to look in his eyes. I was afraid of the reaction. One of my biggest fears is him being disappointed in me.
I wanted to live a life where he could be proud of me. I wanted him and grams to be glad that they took care of me. The idea that they didn’t raise me for nothing. That I wasn’t a burden, that I really wasn’t a waste of space.
After all of that he looked at me.
“I need you to be honest with me about one more thing.” I finally managed to look at him. I didn’t say anything but nodded. There was a knot in my stomach. I was racking my brain trying to figure out what he would want to know. I had already spilled my guts. I didn’t know what else he could want to know.
“How has Johnny been looking after you?” I can’t help but look confused. I was confused. I reached out and grabbed his hand. I was concerned. I had no idea who that was, I had never heard that name before.
“Gramps are you feeling alright?”
“I need to know Andy. How has he been treating you?”
“I don’t know who that is.” I could see the anger rise up inside of him. His hand tightened around mine. He broke eye contact. He looked away and you could tell he had a lot going on inside of him. I could see the gears turning as his eyes glazed over and he wasn’t with me. I couldn’t help but panic a little. I tried to rack my own brain. I was trying to think if I may have missed something.
I was still drawing a blank. I repositioned myself. I shook his shoulders. “Gramps who the hell is Johnny?”
He looked at me, actually looked at me.
“Johnny- Jonathan the now alpha.” I fell back. The reality of what was being said. All the thoughts I tried to forget about suddenly began to rush into my mind. The flooding waters of doubt.
The idea my mother never wanted me nor my father who might be the alpha. I wasn’t sure what was real and what was a lie. I had to know. I needed to know the truth. What was real and what was something that was said in the heat of the moment.
“Gramps. I really need you to be honest with me. Just as I was honest with you. Was my mother really supposed to marry him?” He paused. He was shocked. I knew he didn’t expect me to know something like that. I reached for his hand once more. I was gentle.
He sighed before he spoke.
“Your mother was a beautiful girl. She had all the qualities a great person has. She was the perfect life partner. She was what anyone would want in a leader. She had plenty of boys chasing her, but she and Johnny were practically joined at the hip. Everyone thought they were a great couple. We knew they would be our future pack leaders. I mean that’s what we all thought. Your mother started to come home late. As time went on she began to act weird. She wasn’t as open as she was before. When she was coming home we thought she had been spending time with Johnny. We all thought it was the two of them, until the nights she wasn’t coming home. She would disappear for days at a time. We all thought it was them creating a stronger bond between the two of them. Until one day Johnny showed up at our door. He said your mother had broken up with him, and he wanted to talk. We hadn’t seen her. In fact, no one had seen her for a while. We thought something bad had happened. We sent search parties but no one could find her anywhere. One night both your gram and I found a note. Your mother had found someone she believed to be her fated mate. She decided to live her life out with him. We never saw her again. You were dropped off at Johnny’s house. He then gave you to us. In the basket you were in was one of your mother’s journals. I couldn’t bring myself to read it, but- I- I think you should read it. We all have our own truth. You may be able to find your mother’s truth in here.” He pulled out a black notebook. It was worn. You could tell it had been used quite a bit with water stains wrinkling some of the pages.
“Your mother made many mistakes. We should’ve kept any eye on her so this would’ve never happened. If she had simply stayed on her path this whole mess, could've been prevented. ”
“You mean so I never happened.” A knot formed in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. The tightness in my chest constricted my airway.
“Andy- Andy ******************” His words blurred into a high ringing noise. I couldn’t see through the tears. I pulled away and allowed my feet to move. He was right. I was a mistake, a burden. I was stupid to believe in anything else. I heard people call after me. I ran.
My body burned with hatred. I hated myself. I should’ve never been born. It would’ve been so much better if I had been killed in the beginning. I had no purpose. No reason to be alive. I was nothing but a failure to everyone.
The tears were pouring. My body was shaking. When I stopped I had made it to the clearing. I moved to the water. My breath was heavy. I stared at my reflection.
Dirty.
I was a smudge of dirt in a perfectly clean world.I dipped my hands in the water. Trying to clean. I used my fingernails to get it off. I scraped and scratched. It was still there, the disgusting uncleanliness.
My fingers weren’t doing it. I walked in the water. There has to be something. I finally see something. I pick up the rock and begin to scrape once more. The searing pain was a relief.
It meant I was becoming clean.
Hands wrapped around my wrists stopping me from cleaning. The ringing stopped. I looked, it was Wolf.
“What the hell are you doing?” I tried to pull away.
“Stop you’re getting yourself dirty.”
“Andy. Talk to me. What is going on?”
“You’re getting dirty. I’m dirty,- I’m dirty,- I’m disgusting. When you touch me you’re getting dirty yourself-” My voice was trembling.
“Andy look at me. Look into my eyes.” I couldn’t do it. I looked away. I continued to look at the smudges on my body. “Please.” His voice was soft. I finally managed to do it. His beautiful green eyes. The eyes that brought me so much relief. Those eyes took my pain away. I grew weak.
“You are beautiful. You are not dirty. You are the only light in my eternal darkness. Your heart is pure, and you give what you don’t have.” The dam holding back my tears broke. The sobs ripped from my throat. I dropped the rock and let my body go limp. He held me while I cried like a baby. He walked with me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck. His grip was tight around my waist. He sat in the field and held me close. He rocked me in his arms. Eventually the sobs softened. Even though they softened his grip around me reamined hard.
With me still in his arms he picked me up and walked back over to the water. He was gentle and grabbed my arm. It was bleeding. I didn’t realize how hard I had scraped it. He was gentle and washed away the extra blood. When he pulled it out of the water. He kissed it. He looked me in the eye.
“I know that the world may seem to hate you, and at times you may even hate yourself, but you are my world. You mean everything to me. You are the only person who has ever treated me as anything other than trash. You’re amazing and worth more than anything on this planet or even in this universe.” I smashed my lips to his.
I had never heard someone speak of me like that. I’ve never had anyone care for me like that. I repositioned myself so I straddled his waist. My lips moved against him. Lighting a fire in the pit of my stomach. His hands were gentle. His fingertips left a scorching desire within me.
A sudden burst, he pushed me to the ground. He ripped my shirt off. Our bare skin touched. He was on top of me. We were touching one another but it still wasn’t close enough. Our tongues swirled with one another with a thirst that would never be quenched. A burning desire remained in both of us as we explored each other. Moans poured from both of us as our bodies were grinding on each other. His lips remained on my body. His tongue flicked on the base of my neck. He sucked softly. I felt his teeth scrape the skin. I wanted to feel his fangs pierce into my skin.
I wanted more. I wanted all of him. He suddenly pulled away. His breathing was ragged. He pulled himself off of me. I could no longer feel the burning, my skin was cold. I reached out to him, but he drew himself away more. He shifted into his wolf form. Then it was quiet.
I was left alone again. I stared into the sky above. The stars sparkled. On a night that should be beautiful, it felt ugly.
I felt ugly.
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