CWs for discussions about sexual assault & implied emotional abuse, and the on-screen depiction of a panic attack

For the next hour or so, Raf was in and out. He was vaguely aware of shapes and voices, people moving around him, hands probing him, lights shining in his eyes, and shifting scenery as he was moved from one place to another. None of it really mattered. They were going to kick him out, and his probation would get rescinded, and then he’d end up in jail, just like his dad said he would.

Worthless. Stupid. Weak.

“Raf? Rafael?” It was a woman’s voice. “Honey, can you hear me?”

“Mama?” he croaked out.

A soft chuckle, and someone squeezed his hand. “No, kid, I’m not your mama. But it’s okay. Everything’s going to be fine. I’ll be right back.”

A swish of curtain, and she was gone. Raf blinked his eyes open, trying to get his bearings. He was alone in a room, staring up at a white ceiling surrounded by pale blue walls. Was this the Center? He blinked again. His vision was still a little fuzzy around the edges.

“Where am I?”

“You’re at Mercy Memorial Hospital. We had to take you here after you lost consciousness.”

Raf turned his head slowly to the left, and took in the young man peering at him around the curtain, concern clearly evident in his hazel eyes.

“Dante?”

“Good, you know who I am. That’s one less thing to worry about. The nurse said short-term memory lapses can happen after a head injury. Do you remember what happened?”

“Um…” Raf tried to think back. Lunchtime. The spilled serving dish. The rage-filled Omega. His own embarrassing loss of control. “I hurt someone. Trevor, I think? Is he okay?”

Dante raised an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, he’s fine. He has a first-degree burn on his chest, a twisted ankle, and a bit of a bump on his head, but he’ll feel better within a day or two. You, on the other hand…”

Raf winced. Here it came. The berating. The guilt. The rejection.

“You apparently got a pretty nasty concussion when he tackled you to the floor.”

Raf blinked, surprised. “Sorry?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Dante sighed as he came and sat down next to the bed. “Christina and Miguel filled me in on what happened. I should have warned you about what to do in a situation like that, instead of throwing you into it without any training.” He looked down at his lap and slowly rubbed his hands together. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but if you can, try not to be too harsh on Trevor. He’s been through a lot this year, and he’s been having a hard time keeping his temper in check. You’re not the first person he’s antagonized, and I should have anticipated that he might go off when he saw you. Actually, I should have let all the residents know in advance that you’d be there. I should have been there. I should have--”

“Hey,” Raf stopped him, putting his hand on Dante’s arm. Of all the responses he could have anticipated, self-recrimination was at the absolute bottom of the list. His chest squeezed painfully when Dante finally looked over at him, his eyes suspiciously wet. “Hey, listen,” Raf said softly. “It’s not your fault. I’m the one that lost control. I’m a lot bigger and stronger than he is; I should have known better than to lash out at him like that, no matter what he did to me.”

Dante stared at him. “You...are not what I expected,” he said finally.

Raf cocked his head, confused. “What do you mean?”

Dante quickly dashed the heel of one hand across the corner of his eye and took a deep breath. “I mean that...normally, if someone was provoked and physically attacked, you’d expect them to be more pissed about it, right? Especially if they were an Alpha. I don’t mean to be stereotyping you or anything, it’s just...a lot of Alphas in your place would have hurt Trevor much worse than you did, and been a lot less sorry about it. But here you are, asking about his condition before you even ask about your own, and apologizing for your part in the situation when you could easily have said you were just defending yourself. I’m...I’m just surprised, is all.”

Raf chewed on his lip, unsure how much he should say. He generally didn’t like talking about his past, but Dante’s unexpected show of vulnerability stirred something in him. It made him want to be honest, too.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve been in a situation like this,” he said quietly, dropping his gaze down to his hands. “I hurt an Omega once, back when I was in middle school. I got into a fight with a classmate. I started it, that time. I was teasing him. I guess I didn’t realize how much it was hurting him; because I was still laughing, right up until the moment he lost it and took a swing at me. I wasn’t expecting it, and he managed to knock me on my ass.

“I was so mad. In that moment, I didn’t even think, I just lashed out. And he...he went flying across the room in an instant. He was so small, you see. One swing, and I put him in the hospital for two whole weeks.” 

He paused briefly, and flicked a glance over at Dante to gauge his reaction, steeling himself for anger or disappointment. Dante’s gaze remained neutral and nonjudgmental, though, so Raf continued.  

“My dad was furious, obviously. I remember him screaming at me, after it happened. I honestly thought he was going to deck me.” I kind of wish he had. That would have been better. “He said...well, he said a lot of things. But the part I remember most clearly was when he looked me in the eye and said, ‘Rafael, real Alphas don’t hurt Omegas.’ I never forgot that.”

Dante looked thoughtful. “Is that also why you protected the Omega at that party?”

“Hm? Oh, you mean Angela. Yes. That fucking asshole Jason had her pinned by the wrists against a wall, and his stupid drunk friends were egging him on as he reached under her skirt and tried to pull down her panties. She...she was crying.” His voice trembled slightly at the memory. “I told them to stop, and Jason just laughed and said that a wet Omega was a willing Omega.” He stopped when he saw Dante wince out of the corner of his eye. “Sorry.”

“No, it’s fine. Go ahead.”

“Anyway, that’s the point when I punched him. I remember there was a lot of blood, so I think I must have broken his nose. His friends were too wasted and surprised to react quickly, so at that point, I just grabbed her wrist and we ran. After we got away, she was still really shaken up, so I offered to walk her home. When I finally got back to my house an hour or so later, the cops had already shown up. Turns out it’s really easy to get an arrest warrant printed up when your dad is on the City Council.”

“But you still ended up with probation instead of jail time,” Dante observed.

“Yeah,” Raf flushed slightly. “That’s thanks to my dad. He’s an investment banker and he managed to get me a good lawyer. He said...he said that I had finally done something to make him proud.”

He heard Dante inhale sharply through his nose and looked up in surprise. The Omega’s face had darkened, and Raf could see his jaw tense. “I’m sorry. Did I say something wrong?”

“No! No, Raf, you didn’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. I just...” Dante shook his head and forced a smile. “Thanks for sharing that with me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”

“Oh...no problem.”

There was another brief silence, and then Dante looked away sheepishly, and stood up. “You know what, I should probably get going soon. The doctor said she’d be in shortly to check on you and see how you’re doing. Since you have a concussion, it sounds like they’re going to want to keep you overnight and observe you. I already called your parents to let them know, so--”

“Wait, you did what?” Raf grabbed at Dante’s arm, suddenly flooded with panic. “You told them? No, no, no, they can’t know about this! My Dad, if he knows what I did, he’ll...he’ll…”

Raf’s voice cut off as he realized he was struggling for air. Why was it suddenly so hard to breathe? He gasped as the room began to spin again. Worthless. Stupid. Weak.

“Raf? Hey!” Dante reached out in alarm and gripped both of Raf’s heaving shoulders. “Hey, stay with me, Raf. Look at me, it’s okay.”

His voice dropped lower and became deliberately calm and soothing. Between desperate gasps, Raf found himself latching onto the soft cadences like a drowning man clutching a life raft in a stormy sea. “Raf, listen to me. Listen to my voice. You’re hyperventilating, and I need you to breathe. Just breathe with me. In and out. In...and out.”

Raf took a shuddering breath, and then another, and another. In and out. Slowly, slowly, the rush of anxiety-fueled adrenaline began to dim from a deafening roar to a murmur.

When he had calmed down enough to focus, Dante spoke again, still keeping a firm grip on his biceps.

“Listen to me, Raf, I didn’t tell them what happened. I just said that you had been hurt. It’s okay, all right? If it’s something you’re worried about, then they don’t need to know more. I’ll just tell them there was an accident and you hit your head. Nothing else. Okay? Raf?” He let go of one of Raf’s arms and brushed a hand tentatively against his face. “Okay?”

Raf closed his eyes, feeling the gentle coolness of Dante’s fingers on his cheek, and breathed again. In and out.

“...Okay.”

“Okay.” When he was certain that Raf was breathing semi-normally again, Dante released him and straightened.

“You seem tired. Miguel and Christina are out in the waiting room, so I want to go let them know you’re awake and talking. After that, I think I’ll head home and let you rest. Is that alright with you?”

Raf nodded wearily.

“You just take a few days off to rest and heal. You can give me a call when you’re ready to come back to the Center. We’ll sort out everything with Trevor then.”

Raf’s eyes startled open. “Come back? I thought I was fired?”

That surprised a chuckle out of Dante. “Fired? Who said anything about being fired? Wait, can I even fire someone I’m not paying in the first place?” Raf grimaced, and Dante put up his hands appeasingly. “I kid, I kid. You’re not fired, don’t worry.”

He paused, and gave Raf a thoughtful look. “Actually, this whole incident kind of got me thinking that it might be a good idea to have someone like you as a regular presence at the Center. So many of the Omegas there have been traumatized by Alphas, and while the Center is first and foremost a safe space, it did occur to me that maybe a total absence of Alphas is making it harder for them to work through those fears. Being around you in small, controlled doses could be a helpful form of exposure therapy for them. As for Trevor...well, clearly there are some conversations that need to be had. Conversations that will ultimately benefit both you, and him.”

“Hm…” Raf gave it some thought. He hadn’t really considered it in that light. “I’m not sure I share your confidence that it will actually work, but if you think I could be helpful, I’m willing to give it a try.”

“I know.” Dante smiled gently and placed a hand on Raf’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You have a good heart, Raf. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to see that right away.”

“No problem…” Raf could feel himself starting to get very drowsy. He wasn’t sure if it was the lingering effects of the concussion, the panic attack, both, or something different entirely, but his body had relaxed and his head felt like a balloon that was about to drift away. He yawned.

“Get some rest, Raf.” Dante turned to go. “Give me a call whenever you’re ready.”

“Mmhmm, ‘kay...Hey, Dante?” Raf’s eyes had drifted closed and he could already feel his consciousness beginning to slip away.

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you something silly?"

“Sure.”

“Why is it that I can’t smell you?” Raf’s words were starting to slur, but finishing the question somehow felt important. “I can always smell Omegas. They smell like flowers, or else they smell like their mates. You don’t smell like anything. Why?”

He must have imagined it, but Raf thought he heard a hint of sadness in Dante’s voice as he whispered back, “Who knows? Good night, Raf.”

“Night, Dante.”