So, eventually, I would lie on my back at the bottom and watch strangers live their lives on the other side as I struggled to breathe. But they never saw me. No one ever saw me.
This time, as I hung my legs over the edge of the pool, I wasn’t drowning. It sure felt like it though.
The rest of the drive up was almost completely silent. Quinn found a hotel for the night, claiming it was cheap enough and convenient enough and we deserved a break, even for a night or two. I didn’t need much convincing however. I didn’t feel like sleeping in the car again, after all the nightmares I’ve been having.
I leaned back on my palms, facing the ceiling of the indoor pool. The pool was empty except for me and silent except for my feet softly kicking waves of water around in circles. I’m lonely, I realized all of a sudden. Well, no. Maybe it wasn’t all of a sudden. It’s a feeling that’s been building and building and building. I just didn’t want to admit it. I’m lonely. And maybe this went even further than just losing Tobias Seyton. Even when he was here, I was lonely.
It’s easy to get swept up in the guilt and grief of losing a lover. But we weren’t perfect. Laurie was right in some ways. We couldn’t always be there for each other like we promised. He was kind but Toby had trouble talking his mind. And I always shut down under pressure. We fought. A lot. In our last couple months together, we were like two ghosts around each other. The tension was enough to have been shattered like glass if one of us had spoken about it. Who knows why? Maybe it was just our different upbringings, or the stress of school and balancing a relationship with an adult life. Maybe it was for no good reason at all, other than the fact that people change. We were never living some fairy tale. Sometimes things don’t work, no matter how hard you try.
But that doesn’t mean we didn’t love each other. We loved each other very much, more than anything. But sometimes you need someone to hold when he needs space. Sometimes you need to be around people when he needs to be alone. Sometimes you need him to tell you things are going to be ok and you’re fine just the way you are even if it’s a lie, even though he doesn’t have the words or the voice or the strength. Two broken people don’t make one whole person. They just make silence at the dinner table, passive aggressive comments of jealousy at that new girl in his literature class, a nervous shake in his hands when he holds you because you both are well aware it isn’t like it used to be. They end with getting fucked up to forget the arguments, ignoring the feeling of it’s all my fault by blaming each other; they end in screaming or silence or someone walking out the door at two in the morning to only come back 36 hours later after not saying a word. They just make more broken people. Or the people more broken.
But nothing could take away from the feeling in my chest when he told me, the few times he verbally expressed it, that he loved me. Because I knew he meant it. And it made me feel special. Imagine loving a person like me. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I’m a stupid cunt, a complete asshole. I have terrible road rage, a knack for being competitive as hell when it comes to drinking games, and I hate most children. I’m so white I burn if I’m out in the sun for more than thirty minutes at a time, I’m a picky eater, I complain all the time, I have terrible habits and coping mechanisms and I’m… I’m- …. I… I can’t give people what they want. And, still, none of that bothered him. What bothered him most was my inability to see what he saw. I loved him for that. Love him for that. What’s even the right tense?
I wish I knew.
My hair hung loose from my shoulders, touching the water as I leaned forward to meet my reflection. Christopher’s eyes were still red and swollen, as was his nose, probably from all the tears mixed in with the humidity from the indoor pool. His face was a lot thinner than I last remember. His shoulder sagged in more, his weak and bony arms just looked sad. If Christopher was any other person, I would reach out and give him a hug. But, when I reached out, my hands made ripples in the water and Christopher disappeared with the mirage.
On the choppy surface, I had no reflection. I was just a formless being where colors faded into water and background. And Christopher didn’t exist. And neither did I.
“Your feet are going to turn into prunes if you stay here any longer,” a voice by the door called as the angel with curly hair and a terrible taste in jewelry walked in. I wanted to snap at him, lash out at him. But I was too tired. Honestly, that’s not what I really wanted at all. I just wanted a hug. I turned back toward the water, not knowing what to say. Now that Christopher was out of commission for the evening, I didn’t know who else to be. Anything I say now would sound out of character.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in just a t-shirt before,” Quinn claimed as he walked over. “You’re always wearing a flannel or a sweatshirt.” I knew he was trying to lighten the mood. I was grateful. It’s the first time he tried to speak with me since we got here. I tried to play along without sounding too much like an imposter.
“You’re such a liar. You’ve seen me in short sleeves before.” I tried to rub some of the puffiness away from my eyes with a half-smile.
“Only like once or twice and both times it was just because you had just gotten out of the shower or were hot.”
“Well, what’s so special about not wearing a sweater?” I asked, feeling self-conscious all over again. I wished I had my flannel right now. Then I wouldn’t be trying to shield my bony torso with my arms.
“Your tattoos are really cool. No need to get all defensive. But, for the record, there’s nothing wrong with your body.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked, tripping over my words. There’s no way he knows, right?
“Well I know a lot of people wear baggy clothes to try to hide their body. I just wanted you to know that you’ve got nothing to worry about. Every body is beautiful. It’s not like you’re less of a man for being skinny.” Did he know? Does he know? There’s no way, right?
“Spoken like the angel you are.” I prayed my sarcastic tone was enough to cover the shake in my voice. If you knew, would you still be saying those words?
“I mean it.” He crouched and looked me straight in the eyes. “Your body doesn’t define your manhood or whatever shit you might have been told growing up.” The confidence on his face made me uncomfortable. Because I knew. I just knew that he would be wearing a different face if I told him. And it would kill me.
“You’re only saying that because you’ve got the body of a model, even if you are shorter than a high schooler.” It was getting harder and harder to keep up this act. I looked away.
“Even your compliments sound like insults.”
“That wasn’t a compliment, dumbass.” My voice came out tight. Quinn was too attentive for his own good. I knew he saw through all my bullshit. I wasn’t used to it, not like this. I didn’t like it. Especially because I could never tell what’s going on in his own head.
“Chris.” It was one word. But it made my stomach churn.
“Quinn?”
“What’s going on?”
I cradled my knees to my chest, resting my chin on top of them. How do I even begin to answer that question? Where do I even start? It’s not like he cares. It’s none of his business anyways.
But do I want it to be? Am I that lonely? Is that even a question…
“Why are you like this?” I asked. “Why are you so patient with me?” Quinn looked surprised that I said anything at all. But the look dissolved into a frown once my words sunk in.
“Do I have to have a reason to be kind?”
“Yes.”
“You really don’t think someone would be nice without having an ulterior motive?”
“No.”
“Well, sorry to dissuade you. I don’t. I just… want to help. Don’t you think everyone deserves a little kindness?”
“No.” Not me. Not That Man. Not my mother. Not Tobias’ parents. Not Brian or Jacob or Melanie or any of the teachers or students from my high school. We’re all monsters. Monsters don’t deserve kindness.
“Geez, Chris. I know you’re going to say it isn’t my business but what the hell happened to you?” I’m not used to seeing Quinn like this, frustrated. Angry. Human. It made me rethink my words.
“A lot,” I answered truthfully. I leaned forward again to catch a glimpse of Christopher. But he hadn’t yet returned. Instead, there was a man with sunken features and a sad smile. It hurt to look at him. But I couldn’t look away. I was scared if I did, he would crumble into thin air.
Goosebumps rose on the back of my neck where calloused fingers lightly scraped against the skin of my nape. Quinn’s hands pulled my hair back out of my face. It was an oddly intimate gesture for two strangers. Were we even strangers anymore? Who fucking knows…
“What are you doing?” I asked the Quinn in the water. He didn’t look at our reflections, only at me.
“It’s getting wet,” he replied as-a-matter-of-factly.
“If someone were to see us, they might assume things.”
“Who cares?”
“What do you mean who cares? I care. Everyone cares.” I don’t know why I was getting so riled up. It clearly wasn’t a big deal to Quinn. So why-
“But why should we? People always think what they want anyways.”
“Well you clearly weren’t bullied in school,” I snarked bitterly.
“Actually-” Quinn’s features softened, as did his hands as he recollected my hair. Even in the water, I could see the something in his eyes. “I was.”
“You?” I asked incredulously.
“You say that like it’s an impossible thing,” he chuckled. The smile didn’t reach his eyes.
“I just mean… You’re you. You’re masculine and confident and attractive.”
“You think I’m attractive?”
“I’m not blind, Quinn. I’m just saying…”
“None of those things really matter to bullies, plus I haven’t always looked or acted like this. Give them one reason, one tiny reason to set you apart from them, and they’ll exploit it and run you into the ground. Bullying is always about holding power over someone to make someone feel better about themselves. But you know that already.”
“Plus, you should’ve known that by now because aren’t you like me?”
“Huh?”
“Masculine, confident, attractive?”
“I’m literally none of those things.”
“Ok well we can scratch confident off the list, but the other two still stand.”
“You’re so full of shit.”
I kicked again at the scene in the water, tearing apart the image and its inhabitants. I didn’t want to look at Chris anymore. He was a piece of shit. He was too vulnerable. Too honestly sad. He made me sick sometimes.
“I’m being totally honest. Chris-” I saw Quinn turn away out of the corner of my eye.
“Yeah?”
“Um… no, nevermind.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“What?”
“I don’t want to make you more uncomfortable.”
“Who says-” I couldn’t even finish the thought. My words just cramped up in my throat. I could feel another wave of panic threatening to take hold of my body again.
“You’re shaking.” Huh. Guess I am. Look at that. I slammed my eyes shut, trying to focus on breathing. I’d rather not get slapped again if I don't have to. But focusing on it made my anxiety so much worse. Every terrible thought about my personality or body came rushing to the front of my mind, whether they were said by me or someone else. Breathe. Breathe. Come on, dammit. It’s not working.
When Quinn raised his arm, I flinched as my nails dug into my palms, trying to prepare myself for what I expected to follow. But what came next shocked me more.
Quinn pulled me in for a hug, an embrace firm enough for me to relax into but loose enough to break away from if I had to. I remained frozen stiff. My dumbass didn’t know how to react to such a gentle touch.
But, not that I would admit it to him, it actually seemed to help. I closed my eyes, taking deep whiffs of his Old Spice cologne that smelled the way a warm fire felt on a cold day. With my ear pressed up against his chest, I could hear his calm and steady heartbeat through his shirt. I slowly felt the tension leave my muscles after I accepted this strange fate and focused on his heartbeat. My shoulders sunk into his embrace, hands unclenching and breath evening out. I didn’t let myself ask all the many questions I usually would have. I just let myself be held. And it felt… warm.
“Are you ok now?” He asked after a few minutes had passed. I used my remaining energy to nod, though my heavy head felt filled with static and useless thoughts. I didn’t protest as he pulled me up to my feet and guided me back to the room. In fact, I kept hold of his shirt as we walked, not wanting to let go. My head was no longer filled with rational thinking. It was only filled with one feeling: that desperation to not be alone anymore.
So I didn’t complain when Quinn helped me into the bed closest to the wall. I didn’t play strong when he told me to wake him up if I needed him. I didn’t object when he told me goodnight. All I said was, “Thanks.” And I meant it. To any other stranger, that comment would have sounded snarky or sarcastic. But Quinn knew immediately the sincerity of that statement. I could tell from the gentle smile on his face when he heard me. Maybe… maybe we really aren’t strangers anymore. Friends?
Quinn clicked off the lamp and turned away, toward the window. I looked up at the ceiling, my mind wandering off to somewhere I couldn’t catch. Who knows….
Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, spending the rest of this trip with this thief. Even if it is originally more than I bargained for. Even if we are two meteors.
Two shooting stars.
***
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