Aiden and I felt like we should talk to Noah about what’s going on with Ralph before he smokes anything. I think that he’s going to want to hear the news with a clear head.

So we fill Noah in on the drive over to my place, and by the time we get there, he wants a cigarette.

This means he’s stressed out, but I would have known that even if he hadn’t lit up the minute we stepped out of the car. He went completely silent during and after our explanation, thinking so deeply that it took him a moment to realize that we were parked in front of my building.

Aiden and I stand outside with him while he puffs on an American Spirit, the tip casting a faint orange glow over his tattooed fingers. Smoky clouds gather around his face and blow away on the evening breeze. The streetlights are shining softly on the snow, casting shadows over Noah’s expression, making it difficult to read.

I’m glad that we told him at night. Noah strikes me as a person most at home in the world between the hours of midnight and dawn.

“You alright, Noosh?” Aiden eventually murmurs, his blue eyes searching Noah’s face.

With the silence broken, Noah stirs from his thoughts. Blinks down at the cigarette between his fingers, as if discovering it there for the first time.

He sticks the cig in his mouth and finger-combs his hair up into a loose, messy bun. The lamplight catches on his piercings, turns them into glimmering points across his face.

I half expect him to forcefully tell Aiden that he’s fine, to push back sharply. He doesn’t seem like he’s about to panic, but Noah’s moods can change like gear shifts. And unlike Raj, his inner feelings don’t always reveal themselves in his expression.

But with his hair up and out of his face, I can see him better. Enough to tell that the closed-door look that normally rises in his eyes when they turn this distressed shade of steel-grey hasn’t come. He looks at Aiden, then at me, then back to his cigarette.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” he says slowly, rolling the Spirit between his index and middle finger. “I’m kind of fucking thrown, though. I don’t know. None of that sounds like Ralph, but in a weird way, maybe it sort of does.”

There’s a silence, and then something moves through Noah’s eyes, turning them silver. But not the bright, happy silver I’ve gotten used to seeing on him. This is more like an electric storm, a flash of panic.

He closes them, then pinches the bridge of his nose with his fingers, his face screwing up.

“Just - please tell me you two aren’t thinking about opening that door.”

Noah is asking the same thing that Kasey did, and I open my mouth to give him the same answer, but Aiden beats me to it.

“No, dude,” he says firmly. “Don’t think that shit for a second. We’re in your corner. We gave Ralph some ideas about what he could do if he wants to work on himself, but that’s it.”

“And we’re only telling you because we thought you’d want to know,” I add. “Not because you should expect him back in our lives.”

Noah absorbs that, then takes a deep breath. He opens his pewter eyes again, leans back against the wall of my building. He takes a long drag of his cigarette, clearly trying to shake off the split-second of extreme distress that just overcame him.

I know how much the newfound equilibrium in Noah’s life has changed him, but sometimes windows into his past fly open without warning. The reflexive gut-punch response to hearing that Ralph showed back up is one of them. The way that Noah’s eyes start to continuously roam around, looking for an opening through which to escape.

Aiden has these windows, too. All kinds of different ones. Some that are peaceful, like how after living and sleeping outside for so long, he can tell the time by looking at the sun. No need to check his watch.

Then there are those which mean he’s sinking back into the dark places of his memories. There are still times when he seizes my wrist automatically as I go to get out of bed, his blue eyes wide and anxious.

Aiden and Noah are both new to their happiness, and the past is just behind them. I think that sometimes they both subconsciously feel like they’re really still trapped in it. That this is all some terrible trick being played on them. That they’ll be right back where they started as soon as the curtain falls, and that the curtain might fall at any moment.

But I’ve found that a warm voice or friendly face from the present can pull them back down to earth when their pasts start to snatch them up. It helps them sit tight, ride it out.

It seems like that’s the case with Noah right now. The spark of friction in his eyes grows calm again. He steadies out, takes another big breath of night air.

“Thanks for telling me,” he says, tossing a stray strand of black hair out of his face. “Appreciate it, boys.”

Aiden and I exchange a relieved look, and then Aiden slaps his shoulder.

“You alright?” he asks again, and this time Noah nods, stubbing out his cigarette.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says, in a surprisingly unwavering voice. And then, after a pause - “I hope that Ralph gets his shit together. I really do. It would suck if anyone else got pulled into the goddamn vortex that he is now.”

I smile at Noah, seriously proud of his response to all this. But I try not to let it show, because he would probably hate that.

He lets out a long exhale. His eyes, which were fogged with his thoughts, look clear and present again.

“So,” he says, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his bomber jacket. “What’s for dinner?”

It looks like we’re moving on, so I roll with it. “I was thinking of ordering a pizza, and some-”

“Nope,” Noah interrupts. “Wrong answer, bro.”

I blink at him, arch a confused eyebrow. He pulls a joint out of his pocket and holds it up.

“This is what’s for dinner.”

“Oh, my god.” I roll my eyes, but end up laughing. “Okay - come on, inside.”

“Can we still get a pizza, though?” Aiden asks, as I lead the way into my building.

I hold my phone up, to show him that I’m already dialing the pizza place.

Noah is quiet as we go up the stairs, but it’s alright. I have a feeling that some time with friends is exactly what he needs to put Ralph out of his mind.

We’ll have him smiling again in no time.

~~~~

“For fuck's sake,” Noah groans, flat on his back on the floor. “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened in the history of time.”

He’d been crawling along on his side, trying to see beneath the couch, but he gave up and slumped over a few minutes ago.

“It’s lost forever,” he announces.

“Okay, let’s just review.” I’m also on the floor, feeling around in the deep rug beneath the coffee table. “We smoked half of it. I put it out, then I put it in the ashtray. And then…?”

No one answers, and I let out a loud, undignified noise of frustration.

“Goddamnit, and then what?” I groan. “Where did it fucking go?”

“You know,” Aiden says, from where he’s relaxing in the armchair, “I thought I’d be a little bummed out that I can’t smoke with you guys, but watching this is turning out to be equally as entertaining.”

Noah sits up to stab an accusatory finger at Aiden. “You know exactly where it is, don’t you?”

Aiden nods, folding his sculpted arms over his chest. “I do.”

I get to my feet, cross to Aiden, and stare down at him with betrayed eyes.

“Aiden,” I say, taking his face in my hands. “You’ve known where it is this whole time, and you haven’t said anything? Okay. I see what’s going on here. You don’t love me.”

Aiden lets out a deep, rumbling laugh, gazing up at me affectionately.

“That’s so obviously untrue that I’m not even gonna bother to contest it, Keane.”

“I’m so mad at you,” I inform him, trying my hardest to look pissed off. “Even though your beard feels nice on my hands.”

“Oh, my god.” Aiden huffs out another laugh, folding his arms around my legs. “First of all, your attempted angry face is almost criminally adorable. Second of all, it’s good that you two didn’t smoke that whole thing, because you’re already very-”

“Jamie,” Noah interrupts, pressing his fingers over his mouth. “It’s - it’s in the ashtray, bro.”

I turn very slowly, still holding Aiden’s face, and look down at the ashtray. The unsmoked half of the joint is right there, exactly where I left it.

“What the fuck?” I sputter. “Oh, Aiden, stop laughing, you big goon - and Noah, how did we miss it?”

“It’s the paper, dude," Noah laughs. "It’s the exact color of your ashtray! Why do you have a red ashtray, anyways?”

“What do you mean, why do I have a red ashtray? I don’t know! I bought it three years ago, I’m sorry that I didn’t foresee that one day you’d bring over cherry-flavored papers to roll with!”

“Oh, I really wish that I could stay, right now,” Aiden chuckles. “But I’m gonna miss my call with Eric if I do that.”

I sober up a little right away at the mention of the call.

“Don’t miss it,” I tell Aiden.

“Nah, don’t worry. I won’t.” He gets to his feet, smooths a hand over my back. “Walk me out?”

I do, and Aiden gives me a long, sweet, thorough kiss before he goes. I stand there leaning against the doorframe, watching him head out. My toes are still curled in my socks, a wide smile turning up my lips.

“Okay, no way we do well playing any game when we’re like this,” I tell Noah, when I come back into the living room. “We need to get about thirty percent less dumb before we fire up the Xbox.”

“Cool idea, man.” He’s reaching across the coffee table for the lighter. “How do we do that?”

“We wait a minute on this.” I pluck the joint out of his fingers and set it back down in the ashtray. “That’s step one.”

“What’s step two?” Noah asks, watching me cross to the windows.

I already had them halfway open, since Aiden was here. I push them open the rest of the way, and cold, clarifying air seeps into the room.

“Oh.” Noah lifts his face to it, taking a deep breath. “Yeah, that’s good shit.”

I laugh, toss him the Xbox controller. Then I join him on the couch and pick up my own. The cozy familiarity of hanging with him like this puts a smile on my face as he loads up the game we’ve been playing recently.

We lapse into a comfortable silence, setting up a new match, drifting down a little from our high. The breeze that rolls into my apartment is chilly, and without Aiden here to keep us warm, I’ll have to close the windows soon. But it’s not as icy as it was closer to Christmas, and it feels good for now, so I put it off.

Feeling more aware than I was before, I notice that Noah actually looks sort of distracted. I wonder if he’s still thinking about the whole thing with Ralph.

“Hey.” I lean over, nudge him with my elbow. “You okay, man?”

Noah blinks, then fidgets with his lip piercing. “Oh - yeah, I’m fine. Just stoned.”

I can tell that he’s got something on his mind, but pushing him never works. I give him a smile, hoping he understands that it means I’m here if he wants to talk.

He glances at me, takes a look at my expression, and glances away again. There’s a stretch of silence, and then -

“Think it’s gonna be an early spring this year,” he says. “Must be warming up a little already, if we’re chillin’ with the windows open.”

I’ve never known Noah to have any interest in small talk. I narrow my eyes at him, wondering if this is his oblique way of trying to tell me something.

“That would be nice,” I answer, not sure where this is going. “I always like to see everything blossom.”

Noah shrugs his shoulders, not looking at me.

“Mel and Raj were planning on getting married in the spring,” he says. “But they didn't say when, exactly, and I don’t know… I don’t know what the plan is. We haven’t really talked about it. Like, at all.”

I’m caught completely off guard by this. I blink at Noah, then swivel around to fix my gaze on the TV, avoiding his eyes.

Raj trusted me with the secret about the ring he bought for Noah. I need to pull it together, so I can navigate this conversation carefully.

“You haven’t talked about it at all?” I repeat.

Noah chews the inside of his cheek. One glance is enough for me to see that his grey eyes have grown serious, though he’s trying to keep his voice light and relaxed.

“I sort of tried, last night,” he answers. “Raj just changed the subject, and we didn’t come back to it. It was weird. Not like him.”

I can tell that Noah has more to say, so I wait, watching him.

“I hope they don’t think they need to put it off because of me,” he continues slowly, after a moment. “It’s totally fine if they go ahead with it. I always knew that I couldn't be part of it, since that’s - a fucking ridiculous thing to hope for.”

To hope for? I nearly ask.

I hesitate, choosing my words carefully. “Is it ridiculous, though?”

Noah looks over at me, confused by my response.

“Yeah, of course it fucking is, dude. Obviously. They’d have to want me to, first of all, so...”

He laughs, like the idea is preposterous and far-fetched enough to be a joke. But there’s no smile. Not before, during, or after.

“Anyways, it doesn’t matter,” he says. “That's not the point. I was just wondering - d'you think I should say something to Raj and Mel about it?”

I bite my lip, trying to control my expression. “Like what?”

“Like… tell them that it’s cool, if they still want to do it?” Noah takes one hand from the controller, rubs his tattooed arm. His words sound oddly faded, and he won’t look at me. “I just want to be with them, I don’t - I don’t need any of that formal stuff. I thought they knew that, but maybe I should say it. Just to be sure that they know it’s totally fine. I don’t want to get in the way. That’s - the last fucking thing I want, man.”

There’s something about the way Noah keeps saying over and over again that it would be fine. Like he’s trying to persuade himself, not just me.

And there’s an ache in his voice. It’s extremely subtle, but I know him well enough to pick up on it.

“Nah, I wouldn’t take that up with them just yet,” I finally answer. “You don’t know their reasons for putting it off, right? So just - hang tight for a bit. I’m sure that everything will work out how it’s supposed to.”

Noah stares at me for a moment, then shrugs, turning back to the TV. He looks somewhat relieved, like he wasn’t looking forward to the prospect of that conversation, anyways. 

I think he really doesn’t want to tell Raj and Mel that he’ll be fine if they get married just the two of them, without him. Because deep down, he must know that it isn’t true.

He just doesn’t see how it could be possible, so he’s trying to convince himself otherwise.

I smile to myself, thinking of the warm, sweet surprises that lay in wait for Noah. I slip my phone out of my pocket, and covertly type out a text.

Me 12:55 AM: Raj, are you up?

Raj 🔨 12:56 AM: I am! My baby decided that this is prime scream time, for some ungodly reason. What’s up, brother?

Me 12:57 AM: I wanted to see if you have a free minute when I drop Noah off tomorrow? We need to talk.

Raj 🔨 12:58 AM: Sure dude, of course! Give me a hint, though, please

Me 12:59 AM: It’s about the ring that you got for Noah. You know how you and Mel decided to wait on offering it to him until you felt like he was ready for it?

Raj 🔨 1:00 AM: Yeah… why?

Me 1:00 AM: I think he might be ready for it.