“You seem abnormally happy now,” Quinn teased as I threw all my clothes on the hotel bed, scouring for the right outfit.
“Who said I’m happy?” I scowled, fitting a pair of jeans to my hip in the mirror.
“You’ve got more energy than you have in the past few hours, er… days.”
“We’re seeing the Divine Dead in a few hours for free. Who wouldn’t be?”
“Hm,” Quinn hummed with a smirk. He rested his head in his hand as he laid sideways in the bed. “Is this by any chance your first concert?”
As always, way too observant. I huffed and picked up a different shirt to my chest. “So what if it is? And what about you?”
“Nope. I’ve actually seen a few bands live.”
“Wipe that smug look off your face. I grew up poor.”
“Yeah yeah, alright. Do you need help there?” He asked, catching the shirt I threw at him.
“Does it look like I need help?” I scowled once more.
“Yeah.”
My shoulders sunk in dramatic defeat. “Ok then yes please.”
“Oh~ I even get a please?”
“Nevermind. Go to hell.”
“Too late. You already asked. An invitation is an invitation,” he basically sang.
“What are you, a vampire?”
“Oh no, my secret has been revealed,” he deadpanned. I snorted and sent more clothes flying his way. He wasn’t quite as prepared to catch them as before as they succeeded in hitting him with a satisfying thud.
“Bastard,” he called me.
“Dipshit,” I fired back. I wonder when was the exact moment I had gotten so comfortable with his presence to act the same way around him as I did with Ria. I tried not to dwell on that question too long, knowing I would only be more disappointed when I would have to let him go. Disappointed? Huh. I guess I will be.
“How about these?” He asked, holding up a black graphic tee and a pair of torn jeans. It was the same shit I would normally wear. Not that I’m complaining.
“Fine,” I shrugged, snatching the clothes from his hands and walking toward the bathroom.
“You can just change here,” Quinn offered with a questioning shrug. It was that look that always convinced me he really didn’t get it. Being gay, let alone… being this.
“No thanks,” was all I told him. My voice even sounded… disheartened? I tried not to dwell on it so much.
I changed as fast as I could before brushing my teeth and walking back out. “Hold on,” Quinn stopped me before I could slip on my shoes and walk out. I felt his presence behind me as I tied up my laces. And then I felt his fingers on the back of my neck and I froze entirely. He gently gathered my hair into his fist and tied it up with a hair tie. I couldn’t bring myself to move even after he finished. For some reason, his hands lingered at the base of my neck. For some reason, my heart was in my throat. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Quinn.
Why won’t my hands stop shaking? I shouldn’t be reacting like this. It almost feels like… like something I should never let myself feel ever again.
“Keep your hair up for a concert,” he spoke almost in a whisper, as though it were a secret not to be overheard by the shadows cast around the room. I didn’t dare look back at him. I didn’t dare face the growing panic in my chest. Instead, I sucked in a breath of cool air and finished tying my laces. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid Christy.
“Come on,” I said through a tight throat, faking confidence and my typical unbothered attitude. Like my voice didn’t tremble. Like my heart didn’t race. Even if I was ashamed. Even if it was pointless.
Removed from that weird trance, the two of us stepped out into the city. Philadelphia was… something for sure. We haven’t explored it that much but enough to know it was kind of a weird city. Even as we walked, though, I couldn’t bring myself to enjoy the scenery as much as I would have expected. I was too busy thinking about what the fuck just happened and why my hands won’t stop shaking and how deep Quinn’s green eyes look with the city lights reflected off of them.
This has to stop. Before it even starts, this has to stop. I can’t. I’m in no damn place to feel like that… like this. One heartbreak at a time. I’m just lonely. That’s all it is. How sad… how sad am I?
“Is everything alright? Quinn asked me, concern etched onto his features. “You’re being abnormally quiet.” I stuffed my hands into my pockets.
“I’m no more quiet than I normally am, bitch.”
“Yes you are. I wish I could know what you were thinking sometimes.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I scowled.
“You’re more attentive than you lead people to believe.” And what does that make you?
“Nah, I’m just a dumbass. Are we turning right here or keeping straight?”
“Keeping straight,” he hummed.
He’s the quiet one. I wish he would tell me what he was really thinking. Maybe then I could squash these stupid thoughts. Because, in the end, it’s not like anyone’s going to actually stay, right? When given the choice, they’ll always leave. I’m just the getaway driver.
That’s all.
So maybe that’s why I opened my mouth after crossing another intersection, eyes wide open and staring around at all the lights painting the night sky red and silver and gold. Or maybe it was a desperate desire to not be just a background character for once.
“Lodovik.”
“What?” Quinn peered at me through his long lashes, eyebrows scrunched together.
“My last name is Lodovik.”
His eyes widened in surprise, followed by a crooked smile. I kept going.
“I’m not sure where I get my blue eyes from. Both my parents had brown eyes, as far as I’m aware.”
“An anomaly indeed,” the man chuckled, encouraging me to continue. With a steadying breath, I ignored the nervous pit in my stomach and did just that.
“I was born and raised in Greenville and stood there even through college but I moved schools in sixth grade to the local joint middle and high school. That’s how I met Toby and Ria.” I stepped in a puddle by a sewer grate as we crossed another street. The lights dispersed into waves. My shoes got wet.
“That school had a storage room in the basement that no one used anymore. No hall monitors even bothered being down in the basement so I used to stay there when I cut class. There was a vhs t.v. all hooked up and everything and I used to rewatch that movie Horror of the Zombies because it was one of the only vhs tapes the library had left. They didn’t even notice it was missing. That’s something we had in common,” I laughed dryly, nose up toward the dark sky.
“The movie was shitty in case you were wondering. I used to watch it over and over. Either that or listen to Radiohead’s Kid A album or other depressing songs that made me want to kill myself. Everything was so fucked up. So why am I feeling… is nostalgic even the right word?” I sighed, hugging my arms to my chest. How long have we been walking? I feel like I’m rambling. Quinn should just shut me up already. “I’ve never been very good with change. And it was fucked but at least then I had Toby and a family even if it was killing me. Now I don’t even know where home is anymore.”
I didn’t look at Quinn, out of fear of what could be on his face. I didn’t want to see confusion or judgement or pain or pity. I didn’t want to see all my emotions for the last twenty something years of my life mirrored back at me. But he always finds ways of surprising me.
“You’ll find it.”
“Hm?”
“You’ll find it,” he repeated, a bit louder this time. And, for once, I heard it clearly. Against the backdrop of all the city noise; the shouting and honking and bustling around, all I heard was him. You’ll find it.
And so I faced him, looking straight into the eyes of everything I could never be. That’s when I knew how different we are, Quinn and I. It wasn’t just our personalities or hobbies or heights or skin tones. It was that confidence in his eyes, that unrelenting optimism that I always scoffed at. This time, however, I wasn’t scoffing. I was awestruck.
I think it was because I knew, I knew, he meant it. That was a look I had never seen before on any other face, not even Ria or Tobias. So this is what strength looks like. I never thought I’d ever meet a person who, despite going through hell and back, didn’t break under the pressure. It left me speechless. I wanted to shake the shoulders of the man beside me, tell him to spill all his secrets of how. But all I could do was stop like a dead bird in the middle of the sidewalk, staring at Quinn’s figure as he kept going. Only after a few strides did he realize I wasn’t right next to him. He looked back at me.
“Come on, Chris!” he shouted over the white noise and the blood rushing in my ears. “You don’t want to be late to a life changing experience, do you?”
I felt feeling in my feet again at the sound of those words. Without realizing it, I was walking toward him, arm slightly extended as though catching fireflies. He didn’t even question it when I clasped onto the hem of his shirt, as I marveled at the act of capturing light.
As we approached the long line circling around Franklin Music Hall, he turned toward me. “Ready?” He asked though he knew the answer before I even opened my mouth.
“Yes.”
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