Kim Hajun

We stood there, both breathing heavily. We couldn’t look each other in the eye anymore, assuming we both had just taken a first from the other.

“I…” Jisu Seonbae began, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. He turned his head away from me before lowering it entirely. “I’m sorry. Please don’t tell anybody about this.”

“Jisu Seonbae—”

“Our meeting is over. Get home safe and make sure not to be late tomorrow.”

His voice was steady even though his face was bright red. My face probably was, too. It sure was hot in this room…

“Goodbye, then,” I said, seeing myself out. I didn’t turn around to check how he was as I closed the door behind me.

And that was it.

I had never rushed off school grounds nearly as fast as I did that afternoon. Nothing registered in my mind except the road ahead. I needed to get home and bury myself in bed. That was all I wanted to do for the rest of the day. However, once I was seated inside the subway, my freed thoughts could only focus on the events in the student council room in every painful detail.

I didn’t know what had come over me. It felt right in the moment, but in hindsight, I wasn’t sure about any of it. Jisu Seonbae must have had his regrets, too. That was probably why he sent me off the way he did.

. . .

Han Jisu

Did that actually just happen? I got my first kiss—

No, that wasn’t the important part. What mattered was that Hajun kissed me. I finally built up the courage to confess to him…

And he kissed me.

Hajun kissed me.

Kim Hajun kissed me.

I repeated that sentence a few more times in my head, but it still didn’t fully sink in. Instead, I sank down into the seat closest to me and stared blankly at the closed door. It was the same closed door behind which Hajun and I—

My hand went to my mouth, my thumb rubbing across my lower lip. I recalled every second of the moment, every bit of tender skin that brushed against Hajun’s own. His lips were softer than I imagined. Would he have thought the same about mine?

The moment I began contemplating what his thoughts might’ve been, a wave of panic washed over me.

“It’s gross, isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t tell anybody about this.”

What would he have thought about those statements? There was no way he wouldn’t have noticed how scared I’d been that entire time. No, scared didn’t even explain half of it. I was absolutely terrified. It wasn’t just about the rejection, which I had already been prepared to receive anyway. No, there was also the fact that I had never let out my honest feelings before. I couldn’t. How could I?

“Boys don’t tell other boys they like them.”

My mind knew that was what was right, yet my heart spoke louder today. Its voice had been increasing ever so slightly with each day I watched Hajun rush past the front gates every morning not to be late. That truly was the highlight of my mornings—of my entire days at school, to be honest.

Would I get to watch him like that again tomorrow? Did I even have the right to anymore?

Again, my mind and heart were at conflict. There was no telling which would end up being louder tomorrow. But I supposed the biggest factor to that would be whether or not Hajun even wanted to talk to me ever again.

. . .

Kim Hajun

“Hajun?”

“Huh?” I raised my head from my dinner plate. Both my parents were staring at me with worried faces.

My mom said, “Are you okay? You seem a bit off today.”

“I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

“It’s hard living an hour away from school, huh?”

My dad added, “Your mom and I have been thinking about it, and maybe it’d be better to transfer you to a closer school next year.”

“Really?” It was impossible to hide the expectation in my voice.

Both my parents nodded.

The thought of not having to ride a crowded subway every morning was very tempting even if I had to change schools and meet new friends. I’d be able to get extra sleep, actually have time to eat breakfast, and clean my slate.

Wait a minute. Clean my slate…?

I had to think for a second about what I even meant by that. It was a message from my subconscious. A new school with a new student council president I didn’t kiss—

My face was blushing right in the middle of dinner. I was thinking about it again. I swore it would drive me crazy at this rate. I quickly finished my food and excused myself to my room where I could be embarrassed in private.

My phone buzzed with a new message. It was from Hyunwoo.

Finally got off math hakwon. How was your time with the old teach’?

(*Hakwon: cram school)

I replied, I made it out alive. She didn’t do anything to me actually. I got sent to the student council room and talked with the student council president.

A reply came instantly. Oh shit! That sounds like equal hell!

It wasn’t so bad.

Only after I sent that message did I begin to wonder if it really wasn’t that bad. I mean, I made out with a seonbae, and I hadn’t even asked for his consent or said much of anything to him. I didn’t even apologize to him afterward. No, he apologized to me.

“He asked me not to tell anybody…” I whispered to myself.

Now that I recalled, he did look worried then. Perhaps he hadn’t come out to anyone yet. Perhaps he wasn’t even sure what to come out as. But I acted selfishly and kissed him out of pity for confessing to me. I had never done something like that to a girl. No, I couldn’t imagine myself doing that to anyone. It was just that seonbae…

Whom I talked to for the first time today.

The more I dwelled on that fact, the more I wanted to pull my hair out. 

“Ah, I’m the worst!” I screamed into my pillow, now fully realizing the error of my ways.

I had to go and apologize to Jisu Seonbae in the morning. I definitely could not be late tomorrow.

. . .

I could barely sleep last night. On the upside, it allowed me to arrive at school at a record seven o’clock. There wasn’t a single student in sight. Not even the student council president himself would come this early.

I lay on a bench, staring up at the blue sky. It was already September now, and with autumn slowly approaching, the mornings were beginning to cool down. The temperature was becoming bearable again. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. There was no use getting so tense already.

I closed my eyes for what felt like just a second…

“Hajun?”

When I reopened my eyes, Jisu Seonbae was standing in front of me. I jolted up from the bench. Checking the time, I realized I had been sleeping for the past half hour.

Bowing, I said, “Hello, Jisu Seonbae.”

“You’re… not late today.” His voice almost sounded relieved to say that. Maybe he actually was relieved.

“Yes, I got here early so I can talk to you.”

He didn’t seem too surprised to hear that. Perhaps he had things he wanted to get off his chest, too. He turned his head to the front gate where slowly more and more students were coming through. He looked back at me with a serious face. It was kind of scary, like a warning that what he really meant yesterday was to make sure the incident between us never left my mouth again.

I panicked to find my next words. “Actually, if you don’t—”

“Now’s not the best time, but we can discuss it after school. Come to the student council room again. Okay?”

“Okay.”

He briefly smiled at me. It was a blink and you’ll miss it kind of moment. Luckily, I hadn’t blinked.

So, he wasn’t entirely mad at me. That was good at least. Sure, I still had to go and meet him after school, but I was safe for now. I wasn’t late today either, which was an even bigger relief because my homeroom teacher would probably eat me alive if I ended up being late every single day of the week.

I walked into my classroom, and for the first time, I was here earlier than Hyunwoo. It was odd seeing his desk empty in the morning for once. I peeked at it on the way to my seat. A huge heart was drawn around “Jiwoo Noonim.” She was Hyunwoo’s club seonbae and his biggest crush since day one. He was not at all the type to hide stuff like that. If you asked me, he was a little too open about it. All the guys in our class knew, and probably Jiwoo Seonbae herself, too.

(*Noonim: older sister; used by a male to call an older female he is close to; a much more respectful form of ‘noona’)

But it wasn’t just Hyunwoo either. After starting high school, a lot more guys had started to become interested in dating. Even I had a girlfriend during the first semester, though the relationship only lasted about two weeks. It was a mistake to go out with someone just because they confessed to you. I swore never to make that mistake again…

Until yesterday happened with Jisu Seonbae, in which I kissed him just because he confessed to me…

Sighing, I dropped my head over my folded arms on my desk. This was not the time nor place to be thinking about this. If anyone were to find out, what would I do? How would Jisu Seonbae take it? He would probably be devastated, right?

I had to keep everything a secret. I had to apologize and put that kiss behind me forever. It would be like it never happened.

To that thought, I really wished time would move a lot faster today.