Han Jisu

“What the heck has gotten into me?” I whispered to myself while pouring a glass of lemonade for Hajun and me in the kitchen.

My mind went completely blank, not knowing where to even start processing any of what just happened. Did I really just rush out of my room like that? Did I really just feel Hajun’s hand there? Did I really get that excited just from a kiss?

Did I really lean down and kiss Hajun first this time?

Right, in a way I started it—all that. I seriously didn’t know what had come over me. Something definitely changed within me since the day I confessed to Hajun. I was still terrified of every small step ahead, but whenever I was with him, I just had this urge to take a huge leap forward. Perhaps Hajun felt the same whenever he was with me. Today sure was a gigantic jump, after all.

No, I needed to stop thinking about this. I had to calm myself before heading back to my room. There was no telling what could happen if I returned in the same state I had left in. That was the scariest thing of all, not knowing just how much either of us was capable of. I was having enough trouble as it was figuring my own self out. But today proved that Hajun was just as, if not more, unpredictable.

Deep breaths… In… Out—

I heard my bedroom door open.

“Seonbae?” Hajun said, walking out to the living room.

Thank goodness I had the counter covering the bottom half of my body…

“Y-Yeah?” Though I turned my face in his direction, I couldn’t meet his eyes. “Sorry I’m taking so long with the drinks and snacks.”

“No, it’s fine. Actually, I think I should go.”

“What?”

“Even if we didn’t have yaja today, you probably still have things to study at home, right?”

“Yeah…”

But that didn’t mean he had to leave. Not already, anyway. I couldn’t actually verbalize this response though, as Hajun began to put his shoes on to leave. I would go to see him off, but I still wasn’t ready to show all of me to him yet. I went just as far as I could while still keeping part of myself hidden to him.

“Bye, then,” I said, trying my best to hide the disappointment in my voice.

“Bye, seonbae.”

I stared at the shut door for quite some time after his departure. It was only then that the consequences of my actions finally sunk in. If Hajun was trying to greatly pull the two of us forward, did I end up pushing us back by even more? I did clearly push him away earlier for what he did. What if he thought I was disgusted by it?

No…

Hajun was being so brave for me every single day, yet why did I have to remain so bound by my fears? I wanted to be brave, too.

. . .

Kim Hajun

Jisu Seonbae had barely talked to me since that Wednesday afternoon. It was Friday now, marking two days of near silence. Shit.

Even though I was all forgiven for the surprise kiss on the day we first met, I crossed the line once again at his apartment. And to make matters worse, I just kind of left afterward to save face instead of staying to talk to him about it. I realized what a shitty move that was and wanted to apologize. Unfortunately, every time I tried to bring the topic up during our morning commutes together and late-night texts, he kept avoiding the subject entirely. But it wasn’t like he filled the gaps in our conversations with other things either. He was just quiet.

I had no idea what was going through his head. Had he already moved on, and I was the only one still stuck on it? Or was he now uncomfortable with me? Could he have started to dislike me?

I stared blankly at the math formulas sprawled across the chalkboard. Midterms were coming up soon, but all I wanted to do was study my boyfriend. I wanted to know exactly what I could do to make this situation better—what I needed to do to end this sudden awkwardness between us.

It didn’t matter that I was at school right now. I really wanted to hug him and kiss him hard just like on Wednesday. I wanted to have him all to myself and learn exactly where our boundaries met so I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes.

Perhaps he wouldn’t mind if I touched him elsewhere instead. I for one didn’t mind him touching me anywhere. Even—

I was in deep trouble. This boy was driving me crazy. I’d bang my head on this desk repeatedly if only it wouldn’t make me seem like a total lunatic.

“Hajun? Hajun!”

“Huh? What?”

Hyunwoo was just on the verge of hitting me. “I called your name like five times, dude. What’re you so spaced out for?”

Having snapped back to reality, I crossed my arms and snickered, “Maybe I was just ignoring you.”

“You wouldn’t hurt me like that!” he said with all the dramatic emotions of morning K-dramas.

“I think… we need some time apart,” I replied, mirroring the unnecessary dramatic tension.

He looked right into my eyes. “But I need you, babe.”

Jiyoung, the class representative, turned around and frowned at us. “Ugh, could you two be gay somewhere else?”

Hyunwoo smirked. “Why? Are you jealous of our romance?”

“Yeah, right. I’m trying to study here.” Jiyoung showed him the packet of math problems he was currently working on.

“Ah, sorry. We’ll continue our love outside. Come on, darling.”

Without even asking for my opinion first, Hyunwoo grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my seat. He then dragged me out of the classroom with a folder in his other hand. My feet submissively followed him while my mind still lingered over a certain word Jiyoung had said.

Gay…

Gay?

Gay.

The word settled surprisingly well on my chest. Then, it reached my head. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it earlier. With how I was feeling for Jisu Seonbae, a boy, was I actually gay?

Something opened up inside of me. It was hard to pinpoint exactly what and where it was, but the thing that mattered more was how right it felt. Parts of my past were fitting together like perfectly matched puzzle pieces. My interest in girls never went very far. I always believed it was because the ones around me simply weren’t my type, that I just hadn’t found the right girl for me yet. But for the first time, I was considering that maybe it wasn’t them that was the problem; maybe it was me. Those girls simply weren’t meant to become my type to begin with. After all, my type resided wholly with him.

“Why did you bring me up here?” I asked, panicking for a second that Hyunwoo might’ve somehow read my thoughts.

The two of us stood in front of Jisu Seonbae’s classroom. Well, it was Jiwoo Seonbae’s, too. I wasn’t sure which seonbae he was here for.

Hyunwoo showed me the document in the folder he’d brought. “I have to hand in my report for this week’s council meeting.”

“And I’m here because…?”

“I get scared, man! You have no clue how terrifying it is for a first-year to walk into second-year territory on his own. Never will I make that mistake again.” Hyunwoo shuddered at the memory. “Anyway, you’re here for emotional support. And you should get to know the student council seonbaes if you’re seriously planning on running for president next year.”

I didn’t think he’d still remember that. I let out a dry laugh, deciding that I might as well go along with it even though it was only supposed to have been a joke. “Right, better go give my greetings, then.”

The two of us walked into the classroom, Hyunwoo a lot more nervous than I was. Finding Jisu Seonbae gave me reassurance. It was refreshing to see him outside of the student council room. He was the definition of a model student, quietly studying at his desk even during break time.

I thought it’d be fun to break his concentration and surprise him with my sudden appearance. However, we were on a no-talking basis at the moment. It wasn’t just because of the awkward situation between us, but also because we were at school, in a classroom bustling with other students.

“Ugh, could you two be gay somewhere else?”

Jiyoung’s voice sounded much more disgusted in my head than it probably had been, making me feel super self-conscious of myself around all these people. It didn’t help that a certain sentence kept echoing in my head.

I’m gay…

I turned away from Jisu Seonbae. Hyunwoo had to speak with him anyway. I could wait until after school when we’d have our privacy to talk to him about everything.

“Hey!” Jiwoo Seonbae called, waving at me. “Hyunwoo’s friend! Come over here!”

I approached her and her group of female friends. They all eyed me with interest. I was familiar with those kinds of stares. It was the kind I now knew I could never return.

“What was your name again?” Jiwoo Seonbae asked.

Bowing, I replied, “Hello, I’m Kim Hajun.”

“Nice to meet you,” one of her friends said, followed by the others.

“Are you a part of the student council?” a seonbae asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before.”

Jiwoo Seonbae said, “Not yet, but he’s interested in joining. He might even run for student council president next year. Isn’t that right, Hajun?”

I didn’t know she’d heard that part too on Wednesday. With a nervous chuckle, I replied, “I need to think about it more.”

“Well, if you are running, you have my vote!”

“Mine, too!”

Jiwoo Seonbae smiled at me. “Same. I’ll even be your campaign manager if you want. I got Jisu elected, after all.”

“Oh, shut up! Jisu got elected because he’s Han Jisu, ever the smart and responsible one.”

“Yeah. He might’ve actually gotten more votes if you hadn’t frightened all those hubaes away, Jiwoo.”

Jiwoo Seonbae was left speechless.

I resisted turning around to Jisu Seonbae, then. So that was the image others had of him. Even now, he gave off that kind of vibe—smart, responsible, and perfect. That was how I had initially thought of him as well. But then, he showed me a completely different side, a much more vulnerable one.

Hyunwoo tapped me on the shoulder. “Let’s go, Hajun. The bell’s about to ring.”

In an irritable mood after being teased by her friends, Jiwoo Seonbae snapped, “Hey, lackey, aren’t you going to say hello?”

Hyunwoo gave her a ninety-degree bow. “Hello, Jiwoo Noonim! You’re looking beautiful today as always—”

“I told you not to say stuff like that!” Jiwoo Seonbae said, slapping him on the back rather hard while her friends all chuckled. Her cheeks were starting to blush.

Hyunwoo was too lovestruck to feel the pain of the hit. “But it’s hard to keep the truth from you, noonim. We’ll be going, then. Goodbye, seonbaes.” He pulled me in the direction of the door.

“You should bring along Hajun more often, lackey!”

Hyunwoo turned around and made a big heart with his arms. “Anything for you, noonim!”

While Jiwoo Seonbae threw more scolding remarks at him amongst all her friends’ giggles, I took the opportunity to briefly look behind too, but at Jisu Seonbae. He had his face back in his textbook, too focused in his own little world to notice anything else around him. I wished he would look at me even just for a second, to give me a sign that he knew I was still here and cared about me. But his head stayed down.

The bell rang, and Hyunwoo tugged me harder for us to hurry back to our classroom. Jisu Seonbae was out of my line of sight now. I doubted I had once been in his this entire time.

I couldn’t ignore this weight on my chest. I had to talk to him and finally figure out what he was thinking.