Kim Hajun

“Hajun,” Jisu Seonbae said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you,” I replied, standing up from the stairway to the entrance of his apartment building. I’d been sitting here for the last half hour until he got home from yaja. “Can we talk?”

He bit his lower lip with uncertainty. “Now’s not the best time. It’s late. You should be home. Your parents will get worried.”

“My mom sleeps early, and my dad’s away on a business trip.” I looked at him with more conviction. “I’m not leaving until you talk to me. Please.”

Jisu Seonbae hesitated, scanning our surroundings. “Not here.” He took me by the hand and pulled me toward an empty park nearby.

We sat side by side on a bench. There was no moon in the sky and the lone streetlight across the park didn’t provide much illumination either. We were alone together in the darkness, kind of like back during our first date at the movie theater. And no one was around to hear us, either.

“Seonbae,” I began, fidgeting with my hands anxiously. This was finally my chance. There were a lot of things I wanted to say, but I settled on this. “Do you dislike me now?”

“What?” Jisu Seonbae blurted out, turning to face me. “No, of course not. Why would you think that?”

“I crossed the line on Wednesday, didn’t I? It seems like you’ve been trying to avoid me ever since. I’m sorry…”

The hand on his lap curled into a fist. After a long moment of silence, he said, “What happened at my place is nothing to feel sorry about. The more I think about that moment… well, the more I realize it was inevitable. It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

“Why is it your fault?”

“Hajun, I don’t want to ever make you think I hate you because of my insecurities. But I feel like I’m failing at it miserably. I keep pushing you away against my intentions.” He let out a long, regretful sigh. “This is all new to me. You’re the first person I’ve ever dated. And you’re the first person to make me feel… like this. There are so many things I’m unsure of regarding myself right now. Honestly, it scares me…”

I couldn’t hold back anymore. It was dark, and there was no one around to see us anyway. I hugged him tightly. His head fit right into my chest.

“I’m scared too, you know,” I whispered. “I have so many thoughts in my head right now. You’re the first person to make me feel this unsure about myself, too. But I’m choosing to embrace it because I’m figuring things out in the process.” I paused to let out a deep breath. “Seonbae… There’s something I’ve come to realize and need to tell you.”

“What is it…?” His voice was shaking with fright as if he was expecting the worst to come.

I hugged him tighter, wanting him to know that as scared as I was to say these next words, I really needed him to hear them. He was the only person in the whole world that needed to know.

After another deep breath, I confessed, “I think I might be gay, and I always unknowingly have been.”

An incredible weight got lifted off my shoulders. It was a burden I didn’t even know I’d been bearing all this time. It was freeing. I felt like I was floating. This was the rightest thing I had ever admitted about myself, both to someone else and my own self. Right, I needed to hear these words being spoken out loud too, just as much as Jisu Seonbae did.

“Hajun.” He lifted his head and looked at me with eyes that faintly glistened from the distant streetlight. “You’re one of the bravest people I know. You really are.”

“Seonbae…”

“You inspire me every day to become braver, too.”

He kissed me—slowly, softly, and securely. Although I was the one hugging him, I was also being caressed by a special warmth that could only be provided by him alone. It allowed me to throw away every bit of pointless worry that came to me during these past few days.

With my head in a much clearer space, I went over the events of Wednesday—over the panic that washed over me as I contemplated all the uncertainty brought upon by this one boy. But I truly was figuring out more and more by the day. And I now knew that I had my answer to that crucial question: yes, I did want to go further with him.

Jisu Seonbae pulled away from our kiss, but he kept his eyes closed as he admitted, “I haven’t been avoiding you, Hajun. I was only trying to find a way to tell you that…” He opened his eyes with a lost gaze that got totally absorbed into my own. “…I’m falling deeper and deeper for you, and I’m afraid I don’t want to stop.”

I feel the same, I wanted to say, but I felt there was a better way to convey my response.

I gave him another kiss, and right when I thought I had my fill for the night, I leaned in for another. It was impossible to control myself. Especially now that I’d come out, I felt like nothing could stop me anymore. And with Jisu Seonbae not resisting at all, I had no reason to stop falling for him further and further.

. . .

Perhaps there was some correlation between academics and romance. Jisu Seonbae admitted that he’d never fallen out of the top ten students in his entire life. He even ranked at number one last year and at number two last semester. By his words, he simply understood how things worked a lot quicker than most. It didn’t stop at just school subjects, either.

He was becoming a better kisser by the day. We met up a few more times at night at the park to show how much we missed each other’s touch throughout the long school days. My mom had yet to catch on to my late-night adventures, and thankfully, Jisu Seonbae’s parents thought nothing of his being a few minutes later than usual from yaja.

And then, there was the weekend.

Jisu Seonbae usually helped out at his parents’ fried chicken business on the weekends, but during exam periods, they allowed him to stay home and get a few extra hours of studying in with the place all to himself. Unbeknownst to them, however, he wasn’t so alone this time around. 

Even though I had brought a few books over to study with him, all we’d been doing this afternoon was cuddling in his bed. It started with me asking him for some help with English. As a way to challenge myself, I asked him to kiss me every time I answered a practice question correctly. I might have forgotten to mention that English was by far my best subject. With him soon owing me ten kisses, we naturally just took things from the desk to the bed.

I rested my head on Jisu Seonbae’s arm with his leg over my own. We were completely wrapped around one another. He paid the kisses he had owed, and we were now simply relaxing. I breathed in his fresh scent. He must have showered this morning.

With how clean he smelled, I wanted to touch him even more. This secret urgency was getting louder and louder in my head. I told myself to be content with just the hugs and kisses. However, my instincts pulled at the strings inside my body.

I was on top of him, sitting right over his hips. The desire for deeper intimacy was growing again, but I tried to fulfill it with just our deep kisses. I shoved my tongue into his mouth, tasting him as my mind wondered how the rest of him tasted. I wanted to lick him everywhere if only he was okay with it.

Now that I was out of the closet with him, I didn’t want to hide anything. No barriers and no filters. I wanted more of him in my mouth.

I couldn’t keep myself still. My hips ground rhythmically against his to the dancing beat of our lips and tongues. Jisu Seonbae couldn’t ignore this added friction. There was no hiding it. It told me exactly how he was feeling.

I wanted to continue. I was desperate to continue. But it took a lot of self-control to resist the urges. I stopped there, catching my shortened breath.

“I’m… sorry,” I panted. “I got too carried away again… didn’t I?”

Jisu Seonbae nodded, too out of breath himself to say anything. His face was all red and shy. He tried to hide it behind his hands, which were slightly trembling. It was so cute how nervous he’d gotten because of me.

“I think we’ve taken enough of a break,” he eventually said. “Let’s get back to studying.”

I pushed myself off him. “Okay.”

We were back to square one, sitting together at his desk. He was solving advanced math problems, and I was memorizing English words. But by the slower movements of our pencils, it was obvious neither of us had yet to regain our previous level of concentration.

“Seonbae,” I began, staring at the enigma he was currently working on. “Isn’t that difficult?”

“Um, not really. Once you understand the basic principles, it’s mostly just about putting in the corresponding formulas.”

I stared at him blankly.

He laughed. “I can help you with math, too.”

“That’s okay. I’ve given up on it.”

“What? But you’re only a first-year. It’s too early to call it quits. Come on, give me your math book.”

I didn’t know why I brought that textbook in the first place when I was certain I would never open it. I was a little scared to hand it over but decided to put my trust in him.

He flipped through the book with familiarity. “If I remember correctly, you should be learning this part now, right?”

I nodded. I was surprised he remembered that. “You really don’t have to help me, though.”

He looked at me sincerely. “I want to, Hajun. I want to be able to help you as much as I can.”

I sighed. “Fine, if that’s what my boyfriend wants, I guess I’ll give it a try.”

“Thank you. Then, may I ask what your previous math score was?”

Embarrassed, I quietly admitted, “A thirty…”

Jisu Seonbae tried his best to hide his shock though it still showed through. “Alright. That’s okay.”

“I told you I’ve given up. I’m a bit of a lost cause right now.”

“That’s not true, not with me around.” Jisu Seonbae paused in thought. He drew a conclusion that caused his cheeks to blush. “I have an idea. How about I give you some… motivation?”

I was interested already even though whatever he had planned involved me raising my math score. But it was hard to ignore the embarrassment on his face. I had a feeling I was going to like his proposal.