I had forgotten about this feeling.

It’s a naive wave of shame. Almost innocent, as if she couldn’t have known better than this. Uncivil. My hand is up in the air, the other one holding a bottle of water. And this one girl, the one Matt can’t stop talking about, can’t seem to notice that I’m standing right in front of her.

I’m invisible.

It’s not everyday that someone sees me but completely disregards me instead of screaming for their lives. People normally watch me. They stare at me in disbelief and then hunt me down. 

They have lots of silly questions I’ve learnt how to answer gracefully.

“Are you her?” they ask. “Billie Grace. You look just like her”. 

And sometimes I’m tempted to laugh it off and tell them they’re wrong but I bet they’d see right through me: I’ve grown to like it, when people swoon over me. It’s a filthy thing but I can’t simply shake it off and deny it.

It’s probably the only love I’ve got left.

Thing is, I’m normally that something else people can’t take their eyes off. I’m the glowing and mysteriously interesting figure in the room, a little bit above the scene. But I’m not wearing heels nor make-up, which doesn’t help with the illusion of luxury and glamour we’re all selling. I’m just wearing a black hoodie and sports shoes. Hence, this girl right here can’t seem to notice I’m Billie Grace, and I like it.

In all honesty, it just makes me want Charlie to like me back.

“No fucking way.”

Amber looks surprised when I gaze back at her.

“Oh, it’s you!” she smiles.

This petite woman has managed to get her to look up from her phone for the first time in an hour or so. And she’s blushing, which gives me a hint of what’s going on.

“The girl at reception,” she points out, with a small laugh.  “Charlie? Oh, wow. It was you.”

She was just telling us about the whole scene downstairs, so I can link the story to the girl before me. Matt seems a little bit more confused but he’s laughing, too.

“So, Charlie is your ‘almost girlfriend’?” I grant them both a smile, my lips itching with irony. I hate the word but I love its silly ring. 

Amber tilts her head and looks directly at me, almost menacing. I never know exactly why she does that when she thinks I’m stepping on a particular thin line. Much like a sister would, I raise a brow, letting myself have some fun for the day.

It’s been just us for a while, and I have gotten nothing in particular out of her. She’s been listening to me, trying to help me get back on my feet, and I appreciate it. However, I want to be able to shake her off her phone, too. 

What is going on with her? Isn’t she supposed to be in the room like the rest of us? Aren’t we friends now?

“Yeah, my supposed girlfriend, according to the receptionist,” she laughs, too. Amber’s laughter tastes like champagne in the air. Much like the girls back in school I used to loathe so much, she looks golden and effortlessly gleeful. “I’m so sorry about the scene. I was really nervous about a call I got earlier, I didn’t mean to sound rude to you”.

“Would you fancy some water, Charles?” Matt stands up, still amazed by the fact that hotel suites are much like small luxury flats and not big bedrooms with jacuzzis.

He seems to understand what’s going on better now, but he can also read Charlie better than any of us would. Is he concerned? Doesn’t he like homosexual undertones? Or do they hit too close to home?

“Water is fine, yeah.”

Charlie smiles at me, and then she finally greets me. She doesn’t seem to know how to move around people, so I make sure to act on her behalf. I let her have her space and I point at the chair I think will be more comfortable for her. Amber sits next to me again, with her laptop open and her phone in one hand.

Next thing I know, we’re all working on the outline we’ve been preparing for weeks to ensure our job is done. The ideal plan was that we would stay in the hotel room except for a few dates, but I don’t like being caged for show. And I don’t like Lilah’s idea of romance.

There is nothing else left for us to do here except waiting and parading.

“People are starting to see it,” Amber points out. “They’ve all gotten the Starbucks clue, which was pretty smart, if I may add.”

“Yeah, it was.” Matt smiles at Charlie, who just nods in agreement.

“But here’s when it gets risky,” I add, playing with my hair.

“What do you mean?” Charlie shrugs. “They won’t come looking for you here. It is one of the highest security hotels in the area.”

“Yeah, and we have time to spare.” Matt looks nervous, and I don’t blame him. “We could work on some music, even.”

Amber stares at me, curious. I sigh and shrug, too.

“Well, you see, we have a whole week ahead of us, and I have already rented a studio. You want to go to your family, right? So our plan right now is to leave the question up in the air. That way, we get five days for us and we don’t have to do anything too… specific.”

Amber’s laptop screen is radiant enough to flash us a little bit. We have bought the articles, which weren’t that expensive to begin with. The headlines vary from Young award-nominee Matthew Berry, head over heels for an american girl to Is Billie Grace secretly dating a new beau? 

Secretly, huh? They wouldn’t spot my secrets even if they wanted. They’re too heavy. They could come down on all of us like a hatchet, and no one wants to break the money machine.

“Let’s have a night out tonight,” I offer. “They’ll control the spreading of candids from back home. And then, out of the blue, I’ll run out, sad, alone. You make sure the paps take pictures of me getting in the car. Next morning, you’ll be driving to your parent’s house for healing.” I smile, changing the story to my own liking. “You have a younger sister, right? She must miss you a lot.”

“But… And then what about...?” Charlie blinks, and I think she likes it. I think she likes my idea. At least to some extent. And I like that she likes it, even if she’s holding back. “This wasn’t our initial plan, Billie.”

I know no one had talked about leaving the hotel and doing anything besides playing chess, but I’m bored. This is why I wanted Amber with me as well. I like the girl, but she barely has any idea of what we’re doing here.

If needed, Lilah will cover us from home. 

I need to make this work. I know that if she sees me in London tonight, she’ll change her mind. She’ll try to find me. Anna will come back to me.

All I have to do is convince these people to let me have this my way.

“I know, but think about it. We have a huge public but secret fight and then, five days into it, I’ll drive there, and we’ll get the loveliest pictures. We post them on Instagram. Wasn’t that our plan, to come out with those?”

We had many options for that one Instagram reveal, but none sounded this appealing, did they?

“My song on the caption,” Matt understands, with a smile. “This is my song.”

“Follow the lights back home / baby, please, don’t let me go.” Reciting his song is what convinces everyone in the room. “Right after a breaking point that will have been splashed all over the news, I’m sure, we will get back together stronger than ever. And we come clean on our own terms..”

I’m smiling but I’m not the only one. Time has taught me that much about music and storytelling.

There is nothing like the triumph of love.

I’m not letting them win.

I’m not letting Leonard Winston take her away from me.

I’m not letting this lie take over my life. I will be using it to fight for us. We can still make it, right?

“I’ll get a hold of Molly first,” Charlie says.

“I think I like the idea”, the boy says. Convincing Matt is quite easy. I know he can feel it, the author’s agency in this whole media trap. “Tell her that I like the idea of the pictures, and the lyrics in the caption. I think it helps with the song, and radios will play it even more after that.”

Good job, Matt. This was my present for you.

I hope you like it.

Amber hasn’t taken offense in my agency, so I’m glad I have her with me. Blonde and golden, she lets out a deep sigh and watches me from above. I just smile, delighted. My plan seems to be working: Charlie has been on the phone for a few minutes and Matt has been playing guitar in his own corner.

“I can’t believe you called her my girlfriend,” she laughs, as Charlie paces around the room. She’s short and pretty. Why not? I watch her watching her, still sitting by the window. Amber shakes her head, all of a sudden. “You’re mental.”

“You’d make a cute couple.”

“I have a boyfriend, you know that?” 

“Oh, you do?”

I thought she’d fight me on my disbelief, but she scoffs and lets it slide. Something seems to take over her for a second. 

She frowns and stares at me, severe. 

“Do you really love her that much?” she asks.

The question gives her away, as much as my surprise gives me away, too.

She knows what I want. She must’ve seen the rental car payment, too. I didn’t know if she had checked, but I guess it crossed her mind. I imagine she has googled some information on Anna, and that she now knows she’s been working in London for almost a year now. She knew this was supposed to be our honeymoon, and she probably thinks I am making absolutely no sense by trying to lure her back to me. But I had to try, right?

“I’m certain she is the one, Amber.” I’m leaning on the window, having this conversation like it’s nothing. We’re talking like we’ve been friends for a really long time but I’m not even sure she cares about me that much. “There is no one else. And if I lose her now... ”

Yet again, there’s pity in the way she’s looking at me. I am getting used to that look of hers.

“Then I’ve got your back”, she shoots.

“Huh?”

“I’m not telling Lilah about the whole trip to Anna’s house if you promise me you will be careful.”

“Are you for real?”

“Well, if I loved someone like that, I’d also love some help too, you know? And it’s not like I care if she fires me anymore.”

That makes me laugh.

“I could be ruining my career here,” I say. She should be the one warning me against it, but she shrugs. “And yours along with it.”

“It’s your career to ruin. And I never wanted this job anyway. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, at this point.”

She surprises me. Again. There’s a childish thing in the way she smiles. She reminds me of a sister I never had in the first place. Dark eyes and puffy nose, her earrings dancing against her cheeks. She looks shallow and deep at the same time, and the thought of provoking such an impulsive reaction on her makes me want to laugh hysterically.

She’s flaunting, showing me how to do it.

I didn’t know I could still be like this. I didn’t know I had permission to be spontaneous anymore.

“Who would’ve thought you were the romantic type!”

“I’m not,” she argues. “But you are, right? You’re the type to run through airports and throw rocks at windows in the middle of the night…” Amber shrugs and lets out a deep sigh. “Besides, if you get me in trouble, you will owe me thousands of cookies. I can never lose.”

I don’t know how to thank her for this strange and new thing I’m feeling. Is it hope? Faith? Is it something else? My guts are telling me the only way out of this speechlessness is through six strings.

I may write a song about Amber, too, yeah.