~Rhett~

“Rhett, I--”

“It wasn’t so bad… I got used to it after a while. But when I realized it would just be worse if I cried, I got into the habit of laughing through the pain… to keep myself from falling apart." I quickly add, trying to avoid the response. "And, it worked. He didn’t seem to mind the laughter, so I used it. It was my escape… my terrifying, maniacal, escape.” I must have sounded like a lunatic as a kid. At school, kids were always terrified of me because I didn’t ever react to their cruelty with anything but laughter. They’d swing or shove and I would just fall into a fit of hysterics-- it horrified them. One kid tried drowning me once, to stop me from the laughter. Carl nearly killed me when he got the phone call that I’d broken that kid’s wrist and nearly drowned him back-- all while hysterically laughing as if I were enjoying it. I promise I didn't.

I swallow hard, smiling up at Niko and meeting his eyes with a flinch when I realize he’s crying. “That’s why you--” he covers his mouth and I try to fix it.

“I provoked him a lot Niko, it was my fault for not listening half the time. I tested the boundaries too much, so really its on me." My voice laughs as I try to pull him back, "really, I’m fine, don’t cry, please.” I beg, wishing I could take it all back as I put a hand on his cheek and move the other to his wrist to pull his hand away from his mouth. I didn’t mean to make him cry. The last thing I ever wanted was to make him cry. 

“No!” I flinch back when he grabs my wrists, “nothing he did to you was your fault. You can’t provoke someone into hitting you with a fucking baton!” my entire body flinches again. He never swears. Niko seems to realize what happened and lets go of my wrists, “I’m sorry… just… how did you get out of there? Please tell me you got out of there?” I wince, my hand moving to my throat as I swallow hard. 

“Not exactly,” my head spins, and I wish he’d take my hands again to keep them from shaking. This is the part I always try to forget. “When I turned twelve, I met a boy named Wesley. I kept him a secret until I was thirteen… when he begged me to let him come over for dinner to meet Carl.” When I look up, it almost looks like Niko is holding his breath. “Wes had a really accepting family, and he didn’t have magic, so he was on everyone’s good side, he felt safe… but he didn’t understand when I asked him not to tell Carl we were together. I didn’t know what he would do… I didn’t know how he’d react so I just figured that not telling him was safer… but… Wes couldn’t do it, he slipped and called me his boyfriend when we were eating." my voice gets significantly softer, but for all I know I could be yelling, that happens sometimes, "I remember the sudden panic in his eyes and I knew he hadn’t done it on purpose.” It took me years to realize that though. Worse, it took all those years too long for me to forgive him for something that wasn’t his fault. I was just so angry… and hurt… so lost by what happened. SO upset that he never came back for me, but after that night, I really shouldn't have expected him to.

“Carl lost it… and his ability nearly fully deafened me. He could amplify sound, I guess... and he shook the entire house that night.. I remember telling Wes to run and I think he called the cops, but they didn’t get there in time. Carl was yelling so loud I couldn't hear the words anymore. He smashed a bottle against my head and I collapsed, the pieces just scattered across the room. I really thought I was going to die right then and there. The worst part was that part of me wanted to. He wrapped his hands around my throat and I just stopped fighting.” My throat feels sore but now that I’ve started, I can’t stop. “But… I-- I thought I heard my mother… she was begging me not yet and suddenly I had to fight back. I grabbed his wrists but he was a lot bigger than me… and a lot stronger. There was a glass shard near my hand, it was so close… but just barely out of reach."

I harden my resolve, knowing Niko deserves to know the kind of monster everyone else already knows that I am. “So for the first time in years, I used my ability to reach that shard of glass and I shoved it through his neck." My throat goes dry but I don't really feel the panic or fear anymore, it’s just this icy feeling spreading through my body. It’s almost numbing. “He bled out on top of me and by the time I mustered up the energy to move, I was covered in his blood… terrified… but all I could do was laugh. The cops came running in with guns and magic at the ready and all they saw was a thirteen year old kid surrounded by fading shadows and covered in blood, laughing. I was in complete hysterics and I couldn’t stop. Even when they cuffed me and dragged me into the car.” My throat still feels sore, but I’m not sure if it's from the crying or from the sick feeling that makes me want to throw up. I know when I look up I'll see it, the same horror in his eyes everyone always has. He'll want to run. The thought makes me want to sob again but instead I keep going, “I only stopped laughing when we got to the station” I say, forcing myself to finish, “after that I could barely say two words.” My breathing starts to get even again and I realize just how long I’ve waited to say all that out loud, just how long I let Carl get away with it because I never told anyone. It took Robby yelling at me for three hours to convince me it wasn’t my fault and I almost just flipped right back into that mindset because I saw Niko crying. 

Pathetic. 

My entire face curls in a wince, hearing Carl’s loud, growly, boorish voice in my head all over again. Maybe he was a monster too… but that doesnt change what I did to him. It doesnt make me any less of a monster. Niko says something quietly as he wipes the tears from his eyes, taking my hand again and rubbing circles into my wrist. For what has to be the eighth time tonight, I flinch, because I’d been expecting him to be upset or angry or disgusted or… something. But instead he just looks hurt, and torn, and broken, and worried. 

The stinging feeling of tears burns the back of my throat again as I hold my breath, trying to keep myself from letting out the relieved sob buried in my larynx where I’ve been trapping every word I’ve ever wanted to say to this magical, forgiving, beautiful boy. 

What did you do to me?

That’s what I said. 

Thank you, Niko… 

Is what I meant. 

“Rhett?” my eyes fall closed as I feel the warmth of his hand on my cheek again, my heart stuttering under his touch as he gently-- always so gently-- wipes away one of the tears on my cheek. Just then I realize what he’d said before, “what did they do?” 

“They stuck me in a cell. I was supposed to stay there until I turned eighteen…” My voice says for me, my head still wrapped around his warmth and all the memories of times he could’ve taken me in and didn’t. The times where he’d actually injure me in battle and immediately his expression would wash over with anxiety and I could see the worry in his eyes, even if I didn’t understand it. The moments where I dropped myself through portals behind him and ran my fingers through the small feathers on his back between his wings-- the ones that hide his Bound weakness. He was so jumpy at first, trying to seem all brave and untouchable. He’d try to be serious, but I always knew how to fluster him or make him laugh. 

How I wish I could do that now… but if I try to laugh right now, I’ll probably just end up crying again. 

“Just when I was probably about ready to let myself go crazy, the guy in the cell next to me got a visit from his nephew who came around all the time. I didn’t know his name at first, but he looked into my cell one day and just stared at me.” I chuckle, my eyes still closed as I start to let myself fall into his arms, my head lying against his chest. He smells like the breeze after a fresh coat of snow, cold and enchanting and beautiful. “He was about my age, maybe a year older. weird kid, that one." A small smile forms across my lips, remembering Robert and his messy ginger hair and those endless world-seeing ocean blue eyes. "He asked his uncle why someone his age could possibly be in a place like that, 'he beat some guy like Jim up too?' and the guy just said ‘I dunno, kid, ask him’ and, surprisingly, he did.” my body goes tense when a new wave of pain tears through my skin as if my veins are being lit on fire. I try to ignore it, knowing the Light-cuffs are the source and dreading checking to see how far the blight has spread. Somewhere past the rolled cuffs of what I assume is Niko's horribly ugly blue lollypop sweatshirt that I never want to take off.

Niko starts to say something but I cut him off, pinching my eyes closed and trying to ignore the burning, “he was a weird kid,” I chuckle again, but it feels tense and forced, “when I told him I killed someone, he just said ‘well, what did he do?’ as if it didn’t matter that I’d taken someone’s life as long as I had a good reason. I really thought it was my fault back then…" I still do. "I told him it was because I’d brought a boy home and my father didn’t like that. This weird little fifteen year old kid seemed to read through me without me having to tell him anything more than that. Apparently, his uncle later told him a different story-- I guess the guy could see memories. Robert went home and begged his parents to get me out of there… and they found a way. I really don't know how they managed it, but they must have talked to his uncle and then to the cops and maybe managed to find out what really happened in that house. Whatever the case, they ended up winning the favour of the court to get me released. Robert invited me back and eventually they got custody of me…” I can feel the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, and it’s a beautiful reminder that I’m not alone anymore. I’m free of the story I’ve been burying. I’m free of the endless secrets. 

Niko pushes me away by my shoulders and my eyes snap open, panic immediately rushing through me until I see the look of worry in his eyes, “Are you okay?” I wince, of course he noticed. 

"Yeah," I smile, but my head is screaming at me for lying again. I can't keep lying to him. I can't. I just started being honest, I can't go back now. So I bite my lip and shake my head, “do you remember how the Obsidian cuffs didn't work on me, the ones they use to arrest Gifted people?” He looks confused, but nods anyway and I take it as a prompt to keep going, “well, it's because those only work on light-core magic, earth-core magic, and fire-core magic. Somehow the government hasn’t really figured that out yet.. Or they know and they just can’t do anything about it. Probably it's because Sky, water, Light and Shadow-core magic are rare in this city and those who have a Shadow or Light-core don’t usually live very long.” I ramble, trying and failing to answer his question.

“It wouldn't affect you either… obviously…” I wince again as the burning comes back, worse than before. I roll up the sleeves of his bright baby blue sweatshirt and grimace at the sight of my dark, burning golden skin. My hands have almost completely changed colour and the discolouration is going all the way up my arms now, past the point where I can roll the sleeves. “These block my magic like the obsidian cuffs do for those with Light, Earth or Fire-core… but it's different. Obsidian isn't the direct opposite to those with earth-core, fire-core, or light-core. These are made of pure light… which means if the Light magic gets close enough to my magic core” I swallow the thick ball of anxiety bubbling in my throat, finally telling him the nauseating fear that's been eating at me since they put these on. 

“Then it'll kill me."