Nari

I have days where “being human” doesn’t make sense to me. Sometimes, even if it’s against my best interests, I’ll do things that counteract what I truly want inside.

The first example that comes to mind is procrastination. You have a task that you know you need to complete soon, yet for some reason, you find yourself wasting time to avoid doing the task. Then when your deadline arrives, you feel like an idiot for wasting time in the first place.

If I slow down and think, I know that trying to separate Sora from that girl by force will lead to him hating me, which is the exact opposite of what I want. People can be so predictable, and the man I love is just as human as the rest of us.

Here’s where “being human” comes into the equation to ruin everything.

Just like procrastination, I know that what I’m doing isn’t the best course of action, but whenever I think of stopping, I remember the conversation I overheard. Someone with a strong support system can’t understand what it’s like for someone who’s gone most of their life without trusting others.

These thoughts and more fill my mind while I mindlessly flip through a textbook in my room. History’s always been so simple to me. After all, I’m an expert when it comes to remembering the past.

Pulling me from my trance, I hear a light knock on my bedroom door.

“You have a visitor, Miss Jin!” The housekeeper—whatever her name was—always does this once the visitor is in our waiting room. I rarely received visitors other than for tutoring and my violin lessons.

Assuming it was a tutor, I tied my hair into a ponytail and put a white cardigan on over the top I’d already been wearing. I’d skip these lessons if it weren’t for my pride.

The sitting room in the Jin home, decorated by my mother, was designed for both comfort and accessibility. Several of my family’s business partners—especially those whose businesses we’ve acquired and merged with our own—come from humble or middle-class backgrounds, so the room’s only defining features are my parents’ degrees, family photos, and framed landscape pictures taken by the photographer Lee Jiyeon.

Finally, there’s the black sectional couch adorning one corner of the room. As I walked in, I saw my visitor standing beside it rather than sitting on it. I knew that he would come to me eventually, but even I couldn’t have predicted that he’d visit me this weekend.

I flashed a smile. “I’m assuming you’re not here to ask for my hand in marriage, are you, Sora?”

Returning my smile with a nasty grimace, he said, “I know what you’ve been doing to Sarang, and I want it to end now.”

The very sound of her name soured my mood. “As much as I love being able to see your face, if you don’t have something important to talk about, then you’re wasting your time.”

“Listen Nari!” Sora raised his voice. “You’re wasting your time if you think this will make me like you again. If you get those girls to stop messing with Sarang, I’ll pretend like none of this ever happened.”

I couldn’t believe how brainwashed my former lover sounded. “On the contrary,” I responded, “If there’s nothing I can do to make you look at me with the loving eyes you give her, what reason would I have to stop? Whether I stop or not doesn’t matter at this point since I can't steal you away from her.”

Sora clenched his fists at my retort. His blue eyes that once held love for me as deep as the sea now held the desire to drown me under it. He began walking, closing the distance between us with only a few steps.

“Things like this make me glad that I broke up with you.”

His words pierced me, but I didn’t get sad the way I normally would. I loved Sora—loved Sora? —but the betrayal I felt in that classroom hadn’t left my heart yet.

“You know what?” I stood up straight, getting in his face. “I have a few choice words I never got to say to you.” I prayed that I wouldn’t regret this.

“You do, do you?” His angry face had turned to one filled with disbelief. He sat down on the couch, partially crossing his legs. “If you’re willing to put on a show, then I’ll gladly be your audience.”

“I…” My hands started shaking. I’ve criticized people to their faces and behind their backs before, yet the thought of saying negative things to Sora made my heart feel heavy.

I could hear Yuri’s voice from that day in the back of my mind.

“He’s an arrogant jerk who does whatever he wants.”

“I’ll never understand what goes through his head, and maybe even yours. I may be biased, but your obsession with him just doesn’t make sense to me.”

I grinned slightly remembering how mad I got at him for saying that, but the boy in front of me perfectly mirrored the one he described.

“Our relationship was never a perfect one. We were just two kids being used as a means to an end. I knew this at heart, but for me, ignorance was most definitely bliss. I was the young girl content with her normal life, and you were the tornado that whisked me away to Oz. Sadly, you never made it easy for me to tear down a curtain and see who you really were.”

I walked along the perimeter of the waiting room, tracing the edges of the various strung-up items. “I loved every bit of you, including the fake you. I never questioned it since our relationship worked as a way for me to run away from something as well. More than a boyfriend, you were the perfect drug for the younger me.”

“And yet,” He interrupted, “You knowingly kept looking at someone I wasn’t.”

“I won’t deny that. A relationship built on illusions wouldn’t look out of place if it took on another one.” I stopped in front of a close-up photo of a black pansy’s petals with twinges of pink at its edges. “You could even say that my desire to be loved by you again stems from how abruptly you left me. You agreed with that girl’s bullshit idea of love, but I want to hear it come from your mouth.” I held my hands together, stopping the shaking from happening again. “Tell me the truth, my beautiful coward.”

“When will you call off your people? I don’t know how long she’s been dealing with your brainless friends, but her first month’s been hell because of it. I’ve seen her grow more and more reserved every day. From her homework going missing to those nasty messages written on her desk, I would’ve come here earlier if I’d heard sooner that you were behind all this.”

I bore my heart out to him, yet he still thinks about her. I want to snap back at him, but I don’t have the energy for that anymore.

Instead, I’ll give him something special to remember this by.

“It’ll all end the day I stop loving you.”

Seeing his face contort in frustration as he left my home only served to make me laugh. In his head, there was only one way to interpret what I told him.

Never.

Sora may take some drastic measures to get me to stop, but I won’t worry about that just yet. He said something that piqued my interest.

According to him, he had heard that I was behind the recent events surrounding that girl. I don’t know who, but someone near me must not care about their parents’ income.

When I made this plan weeks ago, I gathered a specific set of girls that had to have certain traits in common. They must be subservient, their families needed to have financial problems, and of course, they needed to have a connection to the Jin Group. If the first two traits were missing, then the third would help in that area.

I gathered six girls and invited them to study with me after school. I rented a room at a karaoke bar near the school and began telling them the real reason for bringing them there.

“There’s someone at our school I need to deal with, but I need others who can do the tasks for me.” Worry appeared on most of their faces, so I brought up my next point. “Of course, this won’t be a one-sided deal.”

I approached one of the girls. A friend of my father’s was her family’s landlord, but that was enough of a connection for me. “Hyejin, did you know that walls have ears?”

She looked dumbfounded. “They do?”

“It’s very true.” I started scrolling through my phone. “And if something has ears, then it’s likely connected to a mouth that talks. I know of a certain family with two daughters that’s received an eviction notice. The father of this unfortunate family has been trying his hardest to find a new job, and the mother is working two jobs because she wants her daughters to always dress nicely.” I locked my phone and looked at her. “Sound familiar?”

The color drained from her eyes, and she nervously nodded. I then repeated the same action, describing the circumstances of all the girls’ families without saying any more names.

“Now that I truly have everyone’s attention, I’m happy to inform you all that Jin Electronics, or JE is opening a new branch in our city, and there are several positions high on the career ladder that need to be filled.”

“No need to say anything else!”

“What do you need us to do?”

I couldn’t hold back my smile at the time. Things are going smoothly.

I showed them a picture of that girl. “I personally won’t be doing anything. In my place, I want all of you to decide what you’ll be doing. That way, if this is ever traced back to me, I won’t be lying when I say that I don’t know what was done to her.” I scanned the room to check their faces. “If this is too much for any of you, then you can leave the room now and pretend like you never heard anything.”

Of the six girls, none of them left the room.

As for why I decided to do this, the reason is simple:

Lately, I’ve felt my love for Sora start to fade.

Whenever I see him smiling with that girl, I experience more than just anger and frustration. I don’t want to say it, yet I feel myself accepting the thought of him being happy with someone else. It’s a radical thought, but I can’t control it. If I didn’t at least want him to be happy, then it’d be a sin to call my feelings “love.”

He’ll just have to deal with my selfishness for a little longer.

Weeks after Sora’s visit, I found myself staring at that girl, trying to understand what’s so special about her. When I first met her, I couldn’t have imagined that she’d become the threat that she is today.

Maybe today is the day I enter the playing field for myself.

I need to be careful. I made a mistake with Yuri the last time I spoke to her, and it led to our friendship growing strained. I want to speak to her alone, but getting him out of the picture won’t be so simple.

Lunch time began, as did my plan. Since Sora was helping the class representative with something, dealing with Yuri would be my only task. 

“Hyejin,” I could almost see her invisible tail wagging after hearing me utter her name. “Go ask our homeroom teacher if she needs help with something. If there isn’t anything, think of something. When you do, tell her that you know someone that can help you.” I pointed at Yuri.

She quickly rushed out of the classroom. In less than two minutes, she returned with the task of needing to separate assignments our teacher had printed. Yuri sighed when Hyejin told him about the task, but knowing him, he’d still help her.

Sorry my dear friend, but I have things to do.

I got up from my desk and walked toward the desk of that girl. She didn’t seem surprised to see me, and I sensed an aura of defiance in her eyes. “Lee Sarang,” I forced her name to leave my lips. “We need to talk.”

Leaving her lunch on her desk, she got up. “I know a place we can go.” I nodded and allowed her to lead the way.

She led us to the stairway that connected to the rooftop. To my surprise, the door at the top was open. I wasn’t sure why she was aware of this, but that topic could be saved for another day.

“The air is nice up here, isn’t it?” She started to slowly pace along the gravel rooftop. “You can hear the murmurs of people talking outside, but their words get lost in the wind.”

“What you’re saying is that no one will be able to hear us, correct?” She nodded, and I couldn’t help but admire that move of hers. However, it wouldn’t change my opinion of her.

“I’ve actually wanted to talk to you for a while now, Nari.” She picked up a leaf that had made its way up here. “I’ve been at this school for nearly two months now, yet the two of us haven’t had a real conversation yet. I don’t know why you’ve been doing all this to me, but maybe if we talk it out—”

“That won’t work.” I crossed my arms. “Nothing you say will change anything.” Her right eye twitched slightly. “Unless, of course, you agree to stop talking to Sora.” I already know her answer.

I just need to hear her say it for herself. That way, I can justify the things I’ve been doing.

I glared at her. Say that you won’t stop talking to him. That little bit of validation is all I need.

“I’ve been dreaming about this day for a while now.” What? “It took me a while to figure this out, but I know you’re the ex-girlfriend Sora sometimes talks about.” She took a few steps toward me and bowed. “I’m sorry for talking about you like that with Sora when you were in the classroom with us! Whenever he talked about you, his voice would get sad, so I wanted to cheer him up a little bit.”

What a sincere apology. If she had been anyone else, I might’ve accepted it.

The world isn’t always fair, is it?

I had a thought. “There is one thing you can do to make it up to me. Interested?” She stood up straight with bright eyes. For the first time since our conversation started, she looked genuinely happy. “It’s a simple favor, but it might be tough for someone like you?”

“If it’s something I can do, I’ll try!” Some life had returned to her voice, and I saw my chance.

I motioned toward the edge of the roof. “Jump.” She took a few steps backwards. “Someone like you can at least jump, right?” I didn’t mean it, but the intention behind my words were very clear.

“Y-you’re not serious, right?”

“Did you not hear me?” I approached her and knocked on her forehead like a door. “Hello? Is anyone there? I think my intentions are clear, but I’ll rephrase them so an idiot like you can understand.” I got close to her ear and whispered, “I wish you never fucking existed. That way, I wouldn’t be wasting my energy on you right now.” I pushed her away from me, causing her to fall and scrape her leg on the rooftop’s ground. “Do you get it now, or am I speaking at a grade level too high for you to comprehend?”

I could feel my hatred for her rising. “If I see you next to Sora again, I’ll make sure your life is a living hell.” I walked over to the roof’s door. Her face was frozen, and I could see her hands beginning to shake.

Before leaving I added, “That’s only a scratch. If only you’d listened to me, things could’ve been much worse.” I smirked at her. “Enjoy your lunch, Sarang.”

I reentered the classroom in a much better mood. I started quietly singing the song Yuri had sent me some time ago, grinning ever so slightly.

“…Do you smile to tempt the love, Mona Lisa? Or is this your way to hide a broken heart?”

Once again, the lyrics ring true for me.