Jun has trouble opening the door to his room that night. 

“Where have you been?” Yanli’s voice welcomes him back.

“I went out for a walk,” The sound of Jun’s nervous swallowing resounds in the silent room. He’ll tell her. Not now, soon. “Wanted to see the mountain at night, see the stars.”

“Hearing you talking about it almost makes me want to try it too.” She’s sleepy, her voice comes out weird because of the cheek she keeps squished against the pillow, “It’s not really for me though.” 

She closes her eyes and Jun looks at her pensively, “We could still go, the sky is clear,” he proposes, talking over the regrets slowly piling up in his conscience and at the same time hating himself for using his wife to try to regain some of his beloved safeness. He lays on the bed and raises his hand to touch her shoulder, but he can’t bring himself to do it.

“No, just get to sleep.” she pats the bed and rolls on her side, facing away from him.

Jun retreats on his side of the bed and closes his eyes, preparing to will himself to sleep. He is immediately forced to open them again because his senses attack him as his brain shows him images he’d rather not see with his wife sleeping on his side. 

The rest of his senses don’t stop remembering. Despite himself, he lets the assault of sensations continue on; wanting to relive the feeling of smooth skin under his finger tips, wet lips against him, tightness everywhere around him. He can’t admit it to himself, but he knows he won’t be able to ever forget how it felt to be free, to be right.

▪

The morning after his face is haunted by heavy looking under eye bags and by the inability to look at his family. 

"How about we take the bus to the city? We might find some nice things to buy, go to a good restaurant…" Yanli proposes on the morning of their second to last day at the hotel, as she flips the pages of the new flyer, commenting on the services provided by the hotel.

"You should have a girls' day." Jun tries to sound nonchalant, he immediately stuffs his face with his breakfast after speaking, giving himself an excuse not to respond to any inquiry they might arise, even if eating worsens the nausea he’s woken up with.

"That sounds good, dad would just complain for the entire day." Li shrugs.

"What are you going to do then?" His wife asks, Jun perceives some stiffness, he guesses it could just be caused by the thought of having to be alone with their daughters.

"I'll go back on the new trail, it was difficult to appreciate everything with all the people wheezing behind me." He laughs to himself, a bit disappointed to not find anyone laughing with him.

"God, you're so boring." Yanli jokes, "I'm glad you're having fun though!" she smiles genuinely and Jun does as well, even if doing so only adds more stiffness to the atmosphere around the breakfast table.

They divide soon after finishing their meal, Jun stalls around the hotel trying to convince the chef, who is only there to cook breakfast, to prepare a sandwich for his excursion and not making him pay too much for it. Meanwhile the rest of his family goes back to the rooms to change and then leaves with the bus bound for the city.

Being able to walk alone through nature is injecting pure serotonin through Jun's bloodstream. He feels guilty when he remembers Yunying’s eyes pleading him silently to bring her with him as well, but he needs some time to himself.

The path is rocky under his boots, but still easier to walk than the ones he usually crosses, which pleases him, but also takes away a bit of the fun from the activity. It feels like someone was paid to make the trail easier to walk on, he realizes that the idea most likely came from the people at the hotel, trying to make their location more interesting and the mountains around them more accessible.

He understands the thought process behind it, after all, the mountain itself is nothing special, no sacred mountain for sure, but it offers a good variety of scenery and challenges that can keep an amateur like him pleasantly entertained. It's a perfect location for beginners.

Thinking of himself as an amateur makes him remember all the times he thought of going pro, of the time when trekking, climbing, hiking used to be a weekly activity, for a short period of time even daily.

His hobby came to him completely by chance. During highschool he had been searching for any kind of extracurricular activity that promised some healthy time spent into the outdoors. A friend from his class introduced him to a small group of students from his highschool that used to organize at least two hikes a month.

He looks back on that period fondly, remembering how hard it felt to walk without the appropriate shoes and how satisfying it was to look back on his path and see everything become smaller: towns, schools, train stations were nothing but far away walls of bricks. It gave to his confused teenage self the opportunity to be able to escape from everything.

It’s been more than thirty years since then, but Jun still feels the exact same.

He feels a drop of sweat roll down his face, the burn in his calves and the first signs of tightness in his thighs, Jun craves these sensations, but he knows better than to exert himself. So, he decides to take a seat and look far into the east, at the sun steady at its highest point in the sky and at its luminous rays reflecting with a blinding brilliance over the calm waves of the large lake, making the water look like iridescent silk

He takes deep breaths of the fresh air around him and lets his ears be filled by the rustling of leaves and the rare sound of small rocks rolling down the trail. 

“Heaven on earth, isn’t it?” 

Jun’s head snaps to his right, he’s not even surprised to see Yixing there, his sudden appearances seem to be the norm. Although, he looks around himself just once, thinking that the heat might be getting to him and making him hallucinate.

“Yes, it’s gorgeous. It makes all the hassle worth it.” he entertains the small conversation, still unsure whether this might be a figment of his imagination talking to him.

Yixing, despite his flawless appearance, seems very real when he sits beside him, “Places like these aren’t easy to find.”

Jun hums in agreement and breathes out, moves his eyes back to the silky luminescence of the water, tries not to make a big deal out of how close together they’re sitting, "All alone today?"

“Yeah, someone from yesterday's group lost something here, I'm trying to find it. And you?” Yixing asks.

“Taking some time to think.”

Yixing seems to sense the heaviness hidden behind the words and stays quiet. Jun sees him stare at him from the corner of his eyes, but he doesn’t want to speak to him and risk saying something he doesn’t mean.

They let some moments pass in complete silence, until Jun is able to gather a few words.

“I don’t need to make excuses for myself.” He starts, “What I did was horrible… But I can’t stop thinking about it.” Jun feels himself spiral, he rationalizes what he’s done as scummy and wrong, but it clashes with the elation that swept over him, the first time in his life that something felt free from the shackles that come with living with a secret. 

“You shouldn’t be taking all the responsibility.” Yixing intervenes,

“I’m the married guy sneaking glances at hot guys.” Jun uses the words Yixing had used against him only a few days before, “I’ve made so many mistakes, I’ve bound so many people to me and I’m not able to make them happy.”

Jun puts his elbows on his thighs and rests his chin on his closed fists, he lets his gaze get lost in the scene in front of him. Yixing is still sitting beside him, Jun feels his head pose on his back, the weight is comforting.

“I don’t want to pretend to know you after only a few days spent together,” he says, “But they seem to be happy, I think you’ve made them happy. You can try to do the same for yourself now.”

“I am happy.” Yixing sighs at Jun’s words.

“I’m sure you are.” he starts, “You’re just not living your own happiness, it’s someone else’s.” Yixing pauses, then he looks at him seriously “Have you always known?”.

“I… Yeah.” Yixing doesn’t specify the subject, but Jun understand what he’s implying, “I’ve always told myself I had no particular preference for the sex of my partners, but… I’ve always known.”

Yixing hums, lets the air sit heavily between them. 

“So, what would you do in my shoes?” Jun asks, but already sounds unsure, he knows they don’t exactly see eye to eye.

“Divorce.” 

Jun looks away from the lake and meets his eyes, "That's not sensible. It's more complicated than that." Hearing him bring up such a drastic solution so easily rubs Jun the wrong way, he stands up and Yixing follows.

Yixing’s hand moves up to his shoulder, then to his neck where it pauses, his palm is hot against Jun’s nape, "Maybe just for once you can let it be easy. You can let yourself go, free yourself from all the secrets, all the fears... And do the same for your family." 

Everything was easy before I met you, Jun almost says.

“And when you do, I’ll be here waiting,” Jun sees Yixing tilt his head, he is smiling at him, “Even just as a friend.” Jun wants to step back, but Yixing grasps his shoulders, hugs him tightly, not letting him move any more than that. 

Jun hesitates, but ends up hugging him back and burrowing into his shoulder. He appreciates the advice and the comforting words Yixing shared with him, but he’s not sure he’ll have the gut to jeopardize his entire life, for something that seems so selfish. Soon he feels ready to cry, so he decides to put some distance between them and maybe walk alone for a bit longer, give himself a bit more time to gather himself.  

Then something goes wrong and he loses his footing and his balance with it, his physical and mental state mirror each other.

As he looks up, he sees Yixing screaming at him, reaching down with his arms, swinging his open hands in the air. Jun realizes what is happening only when he hits his head and the light of the sun steadily grows dimmer.

The last thoughts crossing his mind tastes like guilt and a touch of satisfaction. A moment of selfishness makes him think he wouldn’t mind dying.

▪

Separation papers and a few stitches at the back of his head are what he is bringing back home from this year's visit to The Bear's den .

He was lucky, his injury is not even close to being as bad as it could have been, the doctors never stop reminding him of it and allow him to go back home without too much protesting only two weeks after being admitted. Although, to make up for it, he's prescribed a scaringly long list of meds.

Yanli stayed by his side for the whole time, making abundantly clear the extent of her displeasure. Jun can't blame her, he's sure he wouldn't be happy to hear his significant other admitting to have cheated on him first thing after waking up from anesthesia either. The fault is only his and he deserves every consequence that will be thrown his way.

Even right now, as she drives him back home, she keeps her plucked eyebrows knitted and her eyes straight on the road.

Jun wants to apologize, wants to be able to say more than just the dry confession he got out half asleep on a hospital bed. He wants to take his responsibilities, this time his real ones, not those he himself created by lying to the most important people in his life. 

Realizing the meaninglessness of his actions was scaringly easy once he found himself confronting something as scary as death. Every certainty about his relationships, his work and his secrets, all of it is nothing more than bitter dust that he’s been throwing in his own eyes.

“The thing that pisses me off the most is that my mother was right.” Yanli breaks the silence, “Since you proposed she’s always been saying we were going to divorce.”

Jun keeps quiet, Yanli is not being serious, clearly trying to make the atmosphere less tense, despite the severe look on her face.

Jun hears her sigh and feels even worse. He feels horrible, his head hurts and he feels nauseous, he’s forced to come to terms with how many people he has hurt, while attempting to do the exact opposite.

All he needed was a nice, comfortable life that his parents could be proud of. So, how did it end up like this?

As those words echo in his head, Yanli pulls over and holds her head in her hands. Jun sees her narrow shoulders shake, her whole frame trembling with the quiet sobs breaking her voice. Jun’s own vision becomes blurry.

Soon enough they’re both crying in earnest and when Jun apologizes and reaches his hand out Yanli takes it, but doesn’t say anything. 

▪

Jun puts his hands on his hips and looks at the shiny, spotless golden letters of The Bear's Den ’s sign and releases a satisfied sigh.

In only one year since his last visit to his small corner of paradise on Earth, many things have changed.

Yanli and him are officially divorced, the process was amicable and their daughters were involved in the entire process, both of their parents made an effort to make them understand the reasoning behind their decision.

Finally, Jun alone has sat both Li and Yunying down and for once he talked about himself and not once slipped into his old habits and told nothing but the truth. It’s been hard and strange for him, he can only imagine how it must have felt for them, but Jun thought they deserved to be told the truth. Yunying still calls him at least once a week, Li, on the other hand, has distanced herself even more.

Jun crosses the threshold of the hotel entrance and doesn’t know how to feel at the amount of additional changes the reception went through.

The huge fake bear that has welcomed him every year since ‘96 is not there anymore, the same fate seems to have been reserved to the owner, whose jovial appearance has been replaced by someone who looks much different. 

“Good afternoon,” Jun greets as he walks to the welcome desk “I’m the new guide.”

Yixing raises his eyes from the register he was looking at and smiles widely, “Good afternoon! The boss said you can choose any room you want. I’ve decided to prepare the 106.” He slides a key over the desk, “The closest to mine.”

Jun feels like he’s still suspended, free falling down to the ground, but instead of fearing what obstacles he might find in the way, he’s letting himself enjoy the new life he has and hoping that somewhere there is a safe landing waiting for him.