Author's Note: This novel is written for the purpose of expelling the tough and beautiful things which I have gone through and sometimes tend to dwell on. I like to share my experiences with others because I have found it to be helpful for others to learn from some of the situations which I have been in, and help others find the better, or right, decision to make when they find themselves in a similar situation. I have had a long living dream of using my artistic abilities to create comic books that help people through tough times and tough decisions, although I may give up on attempting to make comics, I do love writing and I believe that writing specifically about my life is my strong suit. I can be creative, many people see that, but just not enough to write any fantasies or even stories simply based around, but not actually, my life. However, I enjoy this and it is a great outlet, and I hope this does help people who need it. 

Warning: this novel may contain descriptions of topics such as self harm, suicide, sexual harrassment, eating disorders, mental disorders, physical and emotional abuse, and implied sexual acts. Not suitable for the light of heart.

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Ch. 1

These days a large number of the United States population is diagnosed with some form of depression and/or anxiety. About 10% of the U.S. population is affected by depression, and 18%+ living with anxiety. 48,500 Americans commit suicide every year because they don’t get the help they need, and societal standards for eveything is fucked. I have been through 3+ years of Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety stemming from various problematic things in my life, and with the world around me.

For countless years my older sister, let's call her Gray, has had Major Depressive Disorder and anxiety, a history of suicidal tendencies such as cutting and overdosing on sleeping gummies, and threatening to hurt or kill others like my younger sister-Owl- old friends of mine, or myself. Gray always got special treatment from my parents since she was diagnosed a few years ago. They would ignore the way she treated my other sisters and I and act like it was all just jokes. We would go to my parents complaining about it and they would just shrug it off and tell us the threats were just jokes and to just ignore it. Gray started trying to boss us around at some point, and my mom just encouraged it. They would call each other “twins”, and she began calling herself “mini-mom”. They would always be together, hanging out, talking, doing all sorts of things together. They’d even call each other on the phone all the time just to rant about the smallest things. The rest of us were just set aside, our problems didn’t matter. Our feelings didn’t matter. Not even our safety. When she threatened to kill my Owl and I one time, and told us to keep our eyes open because once we’re asleep she’d come in and slit our throats, we were both freaked out and started crying and felt very unsafe in our own home. But mom and dad got annoyed with us, gave Gray a slap on the wrist, and told us we were being irrational. We were scared for no reason and nothing was going to happen. Our own parents. Telling us it was silly to panic about our own sister telling us to watch our backs that night because she would KILL us. The sister who spent several hours at a Mental Institution because they had to debate whether or not she is ill enough to stay a week there. How is any of this okay? Beats me. How have my parents never once looked back at that and seen how fucked up their favorite daughter is? No idea. I will never know how anyone who knows about any of that would even feel comfortable standing in the same room as her. Sleeping in the same house as her. They all just forgot about it. That whole following week, maybe even month, I was scared of being home. Since then I still never like being home. The start of all that was the beginning of my own mental health becoming questionable. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Oh yes, there’s much more to this fucked up family, my fucked up relationships, and my fucked up head.