Chapter 14 

-Emmanuel-

Kissing Percy is lovely. When I kissed him randomly yesterday, it just felt like kissing anyone. Not my mate, not my Percy. Because I knew nothing about him, and he didn’t know my name. But in such a short amount of time, he has become so important to me. 

I’ve never felt like people saw the real me. I felt like Keye didn’t care what is the ‘real’ me, she just puts up with me and dare I say it, actually enjoys my company on occasion.

But with Percy, it’s like I can just…be myself. Not the angry, arrogant bastard who pushes everyone away, claiming that it’s for their own sake when actually he’s just afraid. 

Afraid of letting people get close to me, afraid of them telling me that I’m just angry and that I’ll never be anything more.

But with Percy…I’ve been angry for half of the time that he’s known me, but it’s like…it’s like he knows that that isn’t the real me. And the time I’ve spent with Percy has made me feel more like myself than I have in so long.

I can be myself with him.

And to think, if I hadn’t gone after him yesterday…I never would’ve felt like this. I never would’ve realised why the universe gave us each other as fated ones. Things just feel…right, with Percy. And it’s only been two fucking days.

How happy could Percy make me?

I just hope that I can make him as happy as he’s already making me.

I walk with Percy back to his room with the promise of talking again tomorrow. There’s still a lot we need to talk about, which we just didn’t really get the chance to cover today. Because, you know. I passed out.

Anyway. 

We’ll get there. We have plenty of time. Percy is giving me that time, so I’m not going to fuck it up in the meantime and waste any more time. I’ve already wasted four years, but that stops now. 

I touch Percy’s cheek gently as he rests his forehead against mine, his breathing soft and quiet yet it rings loud and clear in the silence enveloping us. We both pull back at the same time, yet come together in tandem as we kiss goodnight. 

I take his hands gently but Percy pulls away, taking a step back. “I’m sorry, I just- sorry,” he says quietly, staring at the floor. Running a hand through my hair, I lean against the frame of his door. “There’s nothing to apologise for. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable.”

He meets my eyes, shaking his head slightly. “It’s not that I was uncomfortable- or no, I was a little. It’s just that I’m not really used to…contact. With other wolves. For a very long time, the only contact I had from other wolves was- it wasn’t-“ Percy lets out a frustrated noise, covering his face with his hands.

“When I initiate contact, I know the intention behind it. I know that I’m just hugging you or whatever, but when you touch me- obviously I know you aren’t going to- I know you’re not going to hurt me, but it’s more-“

“It’s what you’re used to,” I finish for him, my heart crumbling at what Percy means. “You’re used to other wolves wanting to hurt you,” I whisper, looking away. That’s awful. That’s just awful. 

“I’m sorry.” Percy’s voice cracks a little as he says it and I drag my gaze back to his. “Percy. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. Why are you apologising?”

Percy lets out a small groan, messing up his hair with his hands in frustration. “Because I feel bad. Bad that you can’t even hold my hand without me getting all weird.”

I shove my hands in my pockets so that I don’t automatically reach out and touch Percy, instead focusing on what my mate is feeling through the bond. “Hey. Your trauma will always be more important than holding hands with me. And besides, if you initiate things then aren’t you ok?” 

Once he nods, I continue. “Ok, then that’s fine. And it would be fine if we could never hold hands. It would be fine if we could never touch each other. So please; don’t apologise for what others have done to you.”

Percy is silent for a moment before he smiles softly. “Thanks, Emmi. Sleep well and we can talk more tomorrow about…everything.”

I nod, waving goodbye to him as he closes the door slowly. I’m pretty sure that he has a lot to think about; I do too. Something I said could be applied to me too; don’t apologise for what others have done to you. 

And I keep thinking about my mother.

She didn’t make me the way I am; I’ve always had the latent anger within me, but I do think that she is a catalyst of some sorts. I didn’t get that angry as a kid, it was only when I was around 20 that it started to become a real problem for me and…those around me. 

Coincidentally, this time synced up perfectly with when my alpha training became a lot more serious. It was also when my mother started talking about how she wanted to leave and live her own life; how she didn’t want to be burdened with me or the pack.

She abandoned us.

Abandoned me.

Closing my bedroom door behind me with a little too much force, I clasp my hands into fists. I can’t get angry. If I do, Percy will feel it and he might get worried, which would disturb him from trying to sleep.

Lying down face first on my bed, I push my mother from my mind. The thought of her makes me angry but the thought of Percy…he calms me. 

But if I think about him, after not too long I’ll think about how much he has been hurt, and then I’ll think about how I’ve hurt him.

Instead, I try and focus on what kind of future we could have together. I think about him being my luna, about being a part of my pack. About being my mate. I think about falling in love with him, about possibly falling asleep together. That might never happen, or maybe it will. Maybe we’ll never share a room, or maybe we will.

Maybe he won’t be able to love me.

Or maybe he will.