Ch. 2

Halloween night of 9th grade I started dating my best friend at the time. I'll say her name is Satanic Fucked Up Bitch . Back then we were really close, hung out a lot outside of school, roughhoused at her house, screwed around, and had a lot of innocent fun. We never got in fights, we were always on the same level and seemed happy. We weren’t together for very long. I can’t remember why, but one night I felt like I should break up with her. I think I was feeling insecure and like it wasn’t right, scared to be in a relationship for some reason that I can’t think of. It was fine the first time, we stayed friends and all.

 Then we dated again. And this time my family hated her and didn’t want me with her, so I kept it a secret until I wanted to leave her again. All I remember is having fun, her starting to call me her bae, I think we were already saying we loved each other. We were pretty affectionate, even in public. I really felt something for her. She gave me butterflies, made me happy and really excited to see her every day. But everyone around us didn’t like it. She would publicly push me up against a wall or window at school in front of our friends and kiss my neck or whisper in my ear, and they found it disgusting and accused her of raping me when I never said I didn’t like it. Everyone’s words got in my head. When I broke up with her that time, things got terrifying. Everything changed. I did it over text because I was scared, so she told me she was going to kill herself because I wanted to leave her. She was always a dark person, but depression or suicidal tendencies weren’t evident before. She merely made jokes about killing herself. I tried calling her, continued texting her while balling my eyes out because I had caused the death of her. I messaged her friend to get her address so I could call 911 and send them over there to keep her alive, but she didn't have her address and didn't believe she would really do it. I panicked because I had never dealt with something like this before, and knowing my family, they already disliked her so I was scared they would be mad - especially since I had been dating her behind my mom's back.

 My sisters noticed that I was crying in my room, so they came in to see what was wrong. I told them that I had been dating Satanic Bitch behind mom’s back, and when I broke up with her she said she’s going to kill herself. They told me it would be fine and to calm down and call mom. I refused for a moment because I knew I was in trouble and knew mom wouldn’t care or wouldn’t believe it and she’d just yell at me. But I decided to call her anyway because I didn’t know what else I could do, and I wanted to know if I should call the police. I was only 13 at the time, I was too young to be dealing with this amount of stress and blame. I had no experience with deaths in people I knew at the time, only pets dying. Mom ended up not being as angry as I expected, and she tried to comfort me and tell me that she wasn’t actually going to kill herself. I was still terrified, and felt like a terrible person. I went to bed feeling so sick to my stomach and face soaked with tears. 

I think that happened on a Friday night, so the entire rest of the weekend I was stressed and worried, and Satanic Bitch still wouldn't respond to any of the messages I sent. I'm not even sure that she opened them, but I was constantly checking, sure that she was dead or in the hospital. She wouldn't allow me to believe that she was actually dead for days if she was ok, right? Wrong. The following Monday I went to school depressed with my head down and heart in my stomach, my stomach boiling, burning my chest while hot blood burned up my whole body. I never knew what anxiety was, even then when I was feeling it, I was unaware what the feeling was. We would always meet on the balcony above the cafeteria and stare at all the little people below us. When I went there to hope for her to be standing there waiting for me, I found exactly that. Except she wasn't exactly presented as waiting for me specifically. Despite my desperate desire for her to be alive, I quickly realized I didn't want her to be okay. Because that meant she was lying to me, and forced me to believe she hurt herself when she didn't, and she purposely ignored me to hurt me. In that moment my heart popped from the acid in my stomach filling it with burning gas. I was so enraged, my best friend told me I made her kill herself, ignored me, and now she is still alive and well. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say. But I marched up to her with tears in my eyes, and began to yell at her for what she did to me, while she just stood there staring at me with a blank expression. All she said was that I need to calm down, it was just a joke, why should it matter to me when I didn’t want to be with her. Or some shit like that. She walked away after that, and the bell rang for everyone to go to class.

Later I tried to tell Satanic Bitch that I still wanted to be friends and I don’t hate her. But every time I tried talking to her she walked away. The only time we were actually talking was over text. We came to terms of just being friends, continued having lunch together and meeting at the balcony before school started each morning. But nothing would ever be the same after that breakup, except for one thing. We continued trying to date after that. Countless times. 

To Be Continued...