Chapter 18

-Emmanuel-

There’s something I’ve been thinking about over and over ever since Percy and I talked last night. It was his choice of words: ‘and maybe it was unfair of me to expect you to do the same when you had a life to get on with’. 

To me, that just sounds like Percy didn’t have his own life to get on with. And it’s very possible that Percy was struggling with depression, after his pack was killed. But he never mentioned any kind of mental health condition, although his trauma is very apparent from the conversations we’ve had.

So, I’m just going to have to ask him what he meant, so that I can understand. 

Walking out of my study, which I brought Percy to this morning, so that he actually knows where to find me if he wants to, I bump into the last person I wanted to see.

“Emmanuel. I’m sorry for yesterday; I see that I was being rude to your…companion. Here are some lavender soaps; they smell rather lovely.”

I somehow manage to contain my eye roll at my mother’s behaviour. “Listen, mum. Thanks for the soaps I guess, but seriously? You need to go apologise to my mate, not me.” I’m rather proud of myself, actually. I mean, I’m not ready to scream out my anger at being in the same vicinity as this wolf, so that’s an improvement.

Probably because I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest after talking to Percy last night. And then I saw him this morning too, and I don’t think he had any nightmares last night, because he looked a lot less…haggard, today. Maybe he was glad to have that talk too.

He’s looking healthier.

My mother’s eyes widen and it takes me a moment to realise what I said. My mate. I forgot, I never told her when it happened four years ago; I knew that she wouldn’t care either way but I still didn’t want to deal with any repercussions from leaving my mate behind and running away from the pack.

Gods, I was such a fucking bastard. And I still am, but I like to think that I’m improving at least somewhat.

At least now, I’m not getting frustrated at Percy. It really helps that he’s being so honest and open with me.

“Your mate? You mated with a man you just met?”

I shrug, flicking the hair out of my eye. “No, we mated four years ago, actually. He’s my fated one. We only saw each other again the other day though.”

She keeps staring at me in utter disbelief; this is the most emotion I’ve ever seen from her. “You’ve been cheating on your mate for four years?”

I can’t even bring myself to deny it. I don’t know if Percy considers it as cheating or not, but I…I do. I feel like I cheated on him, and god I don’t know what I regret more: leaving Percy whilst he was still asleep or then sleeping with other people.

At least for that first year, I didn’t. For that first year, I tried to find him. I so desperately wanted to see him again, but it was like he’d never existed in the first place.

Why couldn’t I find him? His pack must have been around there, and I know that they were killed- oh. It never occurred to me to ask, but…who attacked them? Who did this to Percy’s pack? Was it the same person who took his leg? 

Who did this to him?

“Don’t look at me like that, mother. Don’t be a hypocrite,” I scoff, leaning against the wall of my office, crossing my arms whilst my mother looks at me, more disgusted than I have ever seen her look.

Her expression darkens and she grabs the collar of my shirt, pulling me forwards, forcing me to stare directly into the dark abyss of her eyes. “How dare you speak to me like that! It’s only because of that that you’re alive in the first place, so show some respect you piece of shit.”

I shove her backwards, my pulse spiking with a combination of fear and anger. Her calm expression instantly returns as she walks away from me, stalking away through the halls. I slump back against the wall, covering my eyes and focusing on my breathing. 

I wish Percy was here.

But I can’t become dependent on him to calm me down. I have to be able to deal with this myself too. So, I try and focus on the thought of him; his soft white hair, his radiant smile from yesterday, the warm olive green of his eyes, the deep ochre brown of his skin - his gentleness, his sweetness, his strength; both of body and mind…

Cracking my eyes open, I feel a smile slither onto my lips. I did it. I became calm on my own, and it didn’t take ages with me sitting in the cold. I did it. 

Feeling rather proud of myself, I head back into my office, not remembering what I was originally leaving to do, before I had a run in with my mother. I probably shouldn’t have brought up…how I was conceived.

My mother had a mate. And she cheated on him. She was only 16, and she cheated on her mate with some random guy, and got pregnant with me. 

And now mother dearest is all alone because she does the same thing as me: she pushes away people before they have the chance to abandon her. She isn’t close to anyone, she has no friends and her only family member hates her. Well, it’s her fault that I hate her; she’s the worst person other than myself that I’ve ever met.

Pushing myself off the wall, I let my mind wander back to the best person I know. I remembered what I was going to do, plus I have some more random lavender soaps now, so Percy might like those. He liked the lavender conditioner my mother gave me, so maybe he likes the scent.

It’s not like I’m going to use them, and they’d just go to waste otherwise, so it’ll be nice if Percy likes them, actually. I probably shouldn’t tell him they’re from my mum though, or he’ll most likely want to burn them or something.

Not that I would blame him.

But no, I should be honest with him. Which means telling him that Augusta tried to apologise, and that it was worse than all my awkward apologies when Keye makes sure I say sorry to the people I shout at when I get really pissed off.

I’ve done a lot of apologising in my life; I’m constantly making mistakes, so it makes sense. But hey - it feels like I’m at least learning from my mistakes. 

So that I never make the same mistake twice.