Chapter 20

-Emmanuel-

“What’s wrong with you? You’ve looked like a kicked puppy all day,” Keye comments, raising an eyebrow at me when it’s just the two of us in my office. I stare at her, contemplating telling her the truth.

I’m still so ashamed of what I did, of how I thought about Percy. I feel so guilty that I’ve been avoiding him all day too, which is just…so stupid. And I know he’s upset about that; we’ve become so close recently that our understanding of each other’s feelings through the bond is so much stronger, which means that he can feel my guilt too.

“Keye I…I did a terrible thing,” I say before I can lose my nerve. I need some advice, I need to know how to cope with these feelings of shame. I need to know how I can face Percy again, after doing something like this.

My best friend instantly looks worried and she rushes over to me, giving me a big hug. “Hey, what happened?”

I hug her back before pulling away and covering my face with my hands in embarrassment. “I um. I had some bad thoughts about Percy. And I- I feel so guilty, I don’t know how I’m supposed to- if he knew, he would hate it, he’d think I’m disgusting, and he- he wouldn’t be wrong.”

Keye taps my desk in front of me, waiting for my attention to land on her. “Hun, what do you mean? I’m confused…unless, by ‘bad thoughts’ you mean dirty thoughts in which case…what the fuck man? Why would Percy think you’re disgusting?”

I slowly move my hands from my face, letting out a sigh. “Because I thought about him and touched myself. Isn’t that weird? Like I used to do that, before I actually knew him. And he’s the sweetest guy, Keye. He would never do something like this and I’m just being gross and weird.”

Keye gives me a pitying look, but I can barely hold her gaze for long…god I shouldn’t have said anything to her, what if she tells Percy? No she wouldn’t do that, she’s my best friend. I can trust her.

“Emmi? That’s totally normal, I swear. I bet he’s done the same thing, thinking about you. You don’t have to tell him, obviously, but he wouldn’t hate you, wouldn’t think you’re gross or weird or anything. Has he ever expressed a distaste for sexual activities with you?”

Shaking my head, I drop my hands from my face and stare at the ceiling. “No…he said he wants to have sex with me at some point.”

Keye is silent and when I glance over at her, she’s smiling gently. “Emmi, see? He would never think this is weird, and I promise you it’s normal. I’ve done the same; when I realised who this Jessica was and how hot she is, I totally had a little bit of ‘me time’. It’s perfectly normal.”

I sit bolt upright in my seat, gaping at my best friend. “Oh my god- you didn’t tell me- Jessica?! What’s she like?”

Keye leans forwards in her chair, resting her chin on her hands. “She’s dreamy, honestly. Both cute and hot. And she’s super friendly and we hit it right off…we’re going on another date soon, actually. Getting to know each other before actually mating, that kind of thing. Doing it the human way; she grew up around a lot of humans.”

I can’t stop smiling. I still feel kind of shitty, but seeing Keye talking about her mate…she looks so happy. She looks so happy. Holy shit. I can’t believe I didn’t notice. “Hang on, when did you guys meet?” 

She snaps out of her reverie - most likely thinking about this Jessica - “only a few days after Percy arrived. She’s also one of the refugees. I hadn’t had the chance to meet all of them yet, and then I just randomly bumped into her and it was like - holy shit. It’s her. I knew it even without the dream. And then I dreamt her name and it just solidified that she was my mate.”

“My god. I’m so happy for you, this is literally- this is so great,” I say with the most genuine smile I’ve had since this morning’s incident involving my imagination and also my hand.

“Thanks, I’m super happy about it, juuust in case you couldn’t already tell. But anyway, the point is that it’s totally normal to think about your partner in that way. Why do you think he’d think it’s weird?”

I slump down a little in my seat, not wanting to go back to this topic. “I just feel like…he’s so- he’s so good but whilst he was holding out, I was sleeping with whoever and so for me to now- for me to now think of him that way- isn’t it unfair? Doesn’t he deserve better? Isn’t it ridiculous that I didn’t think he was worth waiting for and yet now I’m going crazy over him?”

Keye stands up from her seat, moving around to stand in front of me as she gently places her hand on my shoulder. “Emmi. Be honest with me here. Do you have feelings for Percy? And I know he’s your mate and so there’s always going to be some degree of feelings involved, but- do you like him?”

I stare down at my lap. “Do I deserve to like him? Isn’t that just unfair to him again? Because I left him, slept with other people and then shouted at him? How can someone like me deserve someone wonderful like him?”

The more I talk, the more of my insecurities pour out from me. And I have so fucking many. “I- I don’t deserve him, and one day he’ll realise that he can do so much better than the mess that is me and he won’t- he won’t want me anymore and then I’ll be alone again! And I can’t lose him, Keye- he means too much to me; in such a short amount of time he’s already become this important to me but one day he’ll leave me too; everyone always leaves me because they can’t stand being around me and-“ I pull in a shaky breath, trying to curb the despair and anger blazing within me.

This was never really about the fact that I thought about Percy in a dirty way and got off on it; this was always just about one thing: the fact that eventually, Percy will move on and I’ll be abandoned again.