First kisses were overrated.

Firstkisses wereoverrated.

Firstkisseswereoverrated.

I told myself that sentence so much that the words were becoming all jumbled up into one disorienting clump of a thought. I wasn’t even sure what I was thinking about anymore. It was merely noise to fill my head before anything else could. Anything regrettable, that was.

“Hey, Yura? Hello? I’m going to kiss you if you don’t respond in three seconds—”

“Kisses are overrated,” I said under my breath. With a bit too much conviction, I might add. I had to be in denial at this point…

“Okay?” Minji narrowed her eyes at me, sipping her tea. “Hey, I get it. You’re frustrated about not getting your first kiss yet.”

“What?” My face went fully red. Thank goodness we were the only two people seated in this part of the café. “No, it’s not like that…”

“You can’t fool me, Song Yura. But honestly, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I envy you in a way.”

“Envy me?”

Minji cringed at a sudden memory. “I was so impatient to get my first kiss over with in middle school that I did it with the worst guy possible. And I can’t even get myself to forget about it. This is why you should never have a terrible first.”

A terrible first. Was that what I had gone through? Oh, no.

Elsie had forced her way into one of the most sacred and unerasable parts of my memories. Well, I supposed it wasn’t entirely fair to say forced. I had agreed to it, after all. But why had I?!

“Alright, we are going to a club this weekend.”

“We? A club?” I uttered in surprise.

Minji nodded. “You and me.”

“Um, I don’t know. I’ve never been to one before.”

“That’s exactly why you’re coming with me! It’ll be a ton of fun, I promise. And I’m going to guarantee you get your first kiss by the end of the night.”

“My first kiss?” I gasped. “Wait a minute, but you said I shouldn’t have a terrible first.”

“Exactly. That’s why you’re going to get it over with at a club!”

“Um, I’m not sure I follow…?”

Minji sighed. “Here’s why my first kiss was unforgettably terrible. Not only was the guy extremely not my type, but innocent little me in middle school second year felt obligated to date him for at least three months because of it. Ugh, three months of forcing myself to smooch with Mr. Breakouts and Bad Breath. No wonder I went through a period of depression once we broke up.”

 “I didn’t know you went through something like that. How come you never told me before?”

“Why the hell would I admit this to anyone? It’s embarrassing! But now that you know, don’t make the same mistake as me. Make sure you get your first kiss with the hottest guy in the room and with no sort of obligations attached to it. Alright, so it might sound a little shallow. So, what? You’ll thank me in the long run.”

I gulped down the rest of my tea in the hopes of pressing down the guilt in my dry throat. If only Minji knew the truth. I was with her when I hoped I could completely erase the memory of my first kiss and start over. Perhaps going to a club wouldn’t be so bad after all. The second kiss should be better.

. . .

I dreaded going home after work. I had just barely made it out alive this morning, dashing out of the apartment with only one shoe on at the sound of Elsie shuffling awake.

“Okay, I can do this,” I said aloud for encouragement.

Despite having a firm grip on the doorknob, I opened the door rather powerlessly. But it seemed I had worried over nothing. I let out the biggest sigh of relief once inside the dark and empty apartment.

It must have been one of Elsie’s drinking nights. I prayed she would come back as wasted as possible. She was the type of drunk who passed out immediately the moment she returned home. It didn’t matter if her clothes were dirty or if her face was still full of makeup. Sleep was the sole priority for a drunken Elsie. Never would I have expected that sore sight of her to become such a blessing.

I washed up and prepared for bed. Lying down, I was back to repeating my day’s mantra. First kisses were overrated.

Minji must have been right. I was merely frustrated that I hadn’t gotten to do something my friends had already done a while ago. I just didn’t expect myself to be desperate enough to grab the first opportunity that came. That was all it was. Just my impatience surfacing.

It wasn’t about her but about those lips. What it felt like to have another person’s lips brushed up against mine. An act that truly could not be reenacted alone. It was soft and smelled of vanilla. The warmth was embracing and otherworldly. To have such a small part of a person’s face be capable of consuming my entire body. Nothing came to my mind in the moment. Thoughts were greatly outweighed by the action itself. I was certain she had run her hands through my hair. No, had it been her hair? I didn’t know. Everything was so mixed up.

Somewhere in between the flashbacks and seconds ticking by, I had fallen asleep. It was pitch black when I reopened my eyes, but I didn’t need vision to notice Elsie was passed out next to me. Her breathing was heavy and reeked of alcohol. I could pinpoint the exact source of her sleeping sounds. Twenty centimeters away. Her head was leaning in my direction.

The digital alarm clock behind her read three a.m. It was late. I should go back to sleep. In the morning, I would pretend I had never woken up in the middle of the night. I closed my eyes and tried my absolute best to ignore the tingling on my lips. I bit down hard to get my mind focused on a different sensation. The softness of the pillow against my cheek. The smoothness of my hair on my neck. The increasing dryness in my mouth—

I quietly got up from bed to go get a glass of water. All the while, I swore I wasn’t going to bring my lips anywhere near that girl again.