I don’t remember how long I was running, or which route I took. I just remember that my feet stopped right in front of the hospital when the sun had already set. Unconsciously, my heart had taken me to mom, but the way I looked, I couldn’t possibly show up at her ward. That unholy tie was wrinkled and hung loosely around my neck, they’d torn the dress shirt out of my jeans until most buttons had fallen off, and the spots where they had punched me were still throbbing in pain. No, I could definitely not go in there looking like this. 

Lisa would keep me there, probably call the police, and then? Tell them…what exactly? That I stumbled into the locker room because a cheerleader had paid me to do so? That three popular athletes would risk their future to mess with a nobody? No one would believe me anyway. That’s how high school worked. 

So, I stepped back from the brightly illuminated entrance and into the shadows. Leaning with my back against the hospital’s façade, I put my face in my palms with a sound that was both a sigh and a sob. 

Where to now? To Matt? I winced. He’d probably freak out and try to hunt them down on his own. No chance he’d let me come to work tomorrow. And work was what I needed now more than ever since there was no chance that the deal with Holland would ever work.

What now? 

Why did no one tell me what to do? 

“Are you alright, child?”

I jumped. An elderly couple had stopped right in front of me. The woman, dressed in an old-fashioned floral dress, regarded me with concern. 

No, I was not alright.

Not giving her an answer, I stumbled away from the tall building. There was only one place I could go, even though I didn’t want to. Not when the dark exterior of our old and rotten apartment building was threatening me with its loneliness. Most tenants in the four-story concrete building kept to themselves. In all three years we’d been living here, I’d spoken to five of them, tops. And that was for the better. 

Because there were tenants like Dax. 

“Piss off, brat!”, he hissed when I entered the property. Hiding in the shadows, Dax was an anonymous phantom who never really showed his face to anyone. I knew it was him only for his spiked leather boots and the heavy smell of weed that lured his customers to the shady corner below the Western staircase. 

Lowering my eyes, I pulled my hood lower down into my face. Not looking at him was always best. Sometimes, he’d just let it go if you did. Unless there was a customer with him; then it could get ugly. Wouldn’t be the first time, one of the tenants “disappeared”. 

But for once on this day, I was lucky. 

Dax snarled at me but let me pass, and my feet flew up the moldy staircase until I reached the fourth floor. My hands were trembling like the heart in my chest - nervous, hurt, lonely – when I opened the door. 

The moment it fell into the lock behind me, my knees gave in under my body. I crashed to the ground, not feeling anything, and the sobs that had already accompanied me since I fled from the locker room broke out of my lungs. My body shivered violently, my lungs were hurting, and I don’t remember how much time had passed when instead of sobs, my lungs hurt so much that I only managed a painful croaking. 

More than ever, I wished that I could talk to someone. But I couldn’t. I had no friends at school, couldn’t talk to Matt, and my guild…they warned me. They had told me to be careful, told me not to trust Holland and that stupid plan. How could I ever tell them now? 

And mom…

I bit my hand when another painful sob wanted to break out of my hurting body. 

Mom. 

Come back to me. 

Even though I knew that she wouldn’t burst through the door to tell me everything was going to be okay, I still sat up facing the entrance. I didn’t know how long I was sitting there like this — crouched, staring at the door with burning eyes — but time wouldn’t pass, and memories were haunting me. The less I had to keep me busy, the more vivid they became. So, I did everything and anything just to get distracted until I finally fell asleep on the couch at five a.m.

But I wished I didn’t.