Chapter 13

Had I been misinterpreting all the signals? No, that was the wrong question to ask. Had there even been any signals to begin with? Maybe everything had only been in my head. His attention. His smiles. His sincerity.

“Just friends.” That was what we were. That was all we could be.

Boyfriend—Ex-boyfriend. Woojin and Eun must have dated. Woojin hadn’t denied it at the very least. Perhaps it had been a messy breakup with how uncomfortable the mention of their past relationship had made him. But that still didn’t change the fact that he had done nothing to deny the claim in the end. If everything Eun had said was true, then this thought I could not get out of my head must have also been true.

Woojin was gay.

Gay…

The only time I had ever really heard that word being used was as an insult thrown about between immature boys in middle and high school. Although, they would say it with such a joking tone of voice that it probably never held any actual malicious intent behind it. Boys often got a kick out of cursing each other out apparently.

“Dude, why are you so gay?”

Gay—Lesbian.

Those unfamiliar words came to my ears quite often these days. They made me feel awkward, maybe even cringe a little inside. I didn’t know how to deal with them. What did those words really mean for them to place such a strong uneasiness in my chest?

I squirmed in my bed, trying to shake away those two dreadful words from my head. I didn’t want to think about them anymore. Or ever really. I had gone twenty-one years of my life without having to consider them after all.

Then again, I would have to confront Woojin eventually. If not on campus tomorrow, definitely by next week’s literature class. How was I to handle him? I supposed it might have been a stupid thing to worry about. I had no trouble talking to him prior to this knowledge regarding his sexuality. Had anything actually changed between us?

I didn’t consider myself a prejudiced or discriminating person. Everyone had the right to be treated equally regardless of their race, sex, belief, etc. There was no argument to be made otherwise. I knew all this to be true, yet here I was being a little cautious towards my hubae just because of his sexual orientation.

Now that I thought about it, this wasn’t even the first time I had acted this way either. I closed my eyes, throwing myself back into the memories of the day Elsie moved in with me.

“Hello. I’m Elsie Han.”

Her British accent did have me intrigued then though I was still bummed out about having to share the apartment with her for the next few months. That disappointment was the driving factor which made me keep my distance from her during our first few hours together. Elsie was too busy unpacking her bags anyway for us to have much of a proper conversation.

“Yura, do you mind if I keep my makeup bag on your desk?”

“Well, I guess it won’t matter. It’s supposed to be our desk after all…”

“Thanks. What about my suitcase?”

“There’s some spare space in my closet. You can put it in there.”

“Thanks. Are there any house rules I should be aware of?”

“No, not really.”

“Cool. Thanks.”

Thinking back to that day, Elsie had thanked me quite a lot, even for the smallest of things. Every favor done or question answered on my part was followed by a short, accented thanks. Seeing as she hadn’t shown nearly as much gratitude since—in fact, I couldn’t recall the last time she thanked me for anything—I didn’t believe it had been done out of habit. Had that been her effort towards getting on good terms with me from day one? While I had been there trying to avoid breathing the same air as her for as much as possible…

I suddenly felt like a terrible person.

But that wasn’t the end of our first day under the same roof. There was still the nighttime. We stayed home and ordered some fried chicken with the extra money my mom had sent us. She originally wanted us to go out to someplace nice for dinner and get closer. However, I didn’t want to leave the apartment, especially if it meant having to be stuck out somewhere new and unknown with this new and unknown girl.

In hindsight, I would admit that the distaste I had for her up to that point had been unjust. I barely knew anything about her, and the only image I had of her was of her trying to be friendly with me. It was as if I had been actively looking for something—anything—to rationalize the ill feelings I already had grown towards her simply for existing as my roommate.

I did not want to end up being a horrible person to her for no good reason. Maybe that was why I latched onto it. The uncommon trait of hers that had easily become the target for hostility.

We had a few cans of beer to go along with the chicken. Elsie and I were about the same when it came to alcohol tolerance. But on this night, she had a bit more to drink than I had.

“Just so you know, I am a lesbian.” The sentence came in a tipsy slur out of the blue. Even so, I heard her loud and clear. Elsie was quite close to me when she confessed that. For a split second, I thought she would kiss me. That was what lesbians did, right? Kiss girls. Like girls. I was a girl—

But I was not a lesbian.

I would never get close to her, I had sworn to myself from that moment onward. We had a major difference between us, which naturally meant we could not coexist in the same space. That was the logic my mind had concluded on whilst under the influence of alcohol. But even after sobering up, the rather ridiculous thought stayed with me.

I didn’t know how to approach her anymore, so I simply didn’t bother to. A lesbian and a straight girl having to live together. I assumed the risk would be higher on my end than hers. If that was indeed the way I had chosen to deal with the situation, I should have stayed committed to it until the end. Unfortunately, the danger I had wished to avoid soon caught up to me. My first kiss was gone now.

To make matters more complicated, the hubae I liked was on the same side of the spectrum as her. I didn’t know who to hate anymore. If anything, I was beginning to hate myself more than anybody else. Besides that one mistaken night with that nameless girl on my bed, Elsie hadn’t done much else in the wrong. She hadn’t done anything wrong to me personally either. It had solely been her sexuality that had me constantly pushing her away. Yet, it was also her sexuality which brought upon that kiss between us in the first place.

I was so confused. My thoughts were going around in circles. The first night we met. The distancing. The kiss. Now—

Where was I now in all this?

Here were the facts so far. I was not a lesbian. I had always known myself to be heterosexual. Accidents happened, and those were all in the past now.

But what was I supposed to do when two people I currently couldn’t avoid in my life were both homosexuals? Did I still like Woojin as I did before? Was I even allowed to still like him in that way? And what about Elsie? Despite how I felt before, realizing the errors of my ways, could I now be allowed to open up to her a little for the first time? Or was it already too late?