Chapter 14

“What’s all this?” Elsie asked, mouth slightly dropping at the tantalizing smell of bacon and eggs.

Cereal was the go-to in our place since neither of us bothered to ever cook anything first thing in the morning. We were often short on time to get to school anyway. But I had made a promise to myself last night, and to execute it, I started by getting up twenty minutes earlier today.

I replied, “I thought we should have an actual breakfast for once.”

“You mean like together?”

I turned the stove light off and looked at her, lips firm and mind determined. “Yes. Together. We’re roommates.”

That came out much choppier than I wanted, but Elsie got the message. She sat at the wooden floor table where I laid down two plates of eggs, bacon, and rice. I handed her a pair of chopsticks. She took it rather hesitantly, but I paid no mind to such small details when my stomach was grumbling to be fed already.

“Jal meokgesseupnida,” I said, before taking in a mouthful of rice.

Only after I progressed quite a bit into my meal did I finally notice that Elsie had barely touched her own food. Instead, she was looking very intensively at me. Or rather my hand. The thought hit me then. This was the first time we had food that required chopsticks. The only other few times we had shared a meal at home was when we ordered chicken or pizza, neither of which required any sort of eating utensil.

“I’ll get you a fork,” I offered.

Before I could get up, Elsie replied, “It’s fine. I have been meaning to learn how to use these things. Being half-Korean and unable to use chopsticks is pretty embarrassing.”

“Well, you didn’t have to use them back in England.”

“That is true. But I’m in Korea now. I should learn. Do you think you can teach me?”

There was something about the friendly smile that followed her request. It brought my attention to how sweaty my hands had become. I wasn’t much of a teacher, but if this was an opportunity for us to finally bond together as roommates, I couldn’t exactly refuse it.

Elsie currently had the chopsticks wrapped in her hand like how a baby would grasp a fork. It seemed we would have to start from the very basics. I held my chopsticks out in the proper form for her to look at and hopefully copy. Her eyes were full of focus as she rotated her head around my fingers to get every detail of their intricate positions. Even though it was only my hand, I couldn’t help getting a little embarrassed at having someone observe me so closely.

When the embarrassment was getting too much, I asked, “Do you think you could try it now?”

Elsie nodded. She used both of her hands to get the chopsticks in the right place, making adjustments with her free hand as needed. Her fingers were shaking from both the unaccustomed positioning and the excessive force she was exerting onto them. She managed to make quite a close replica of my own hand, and that was when she tried to go in for a piece of bacon. Everything seemed fine until she couldn’t open the chopsticks wide enough to be able to grab anything with the tips. But she didn’t give up right away.

Unfortunately, it soon became painful watching her failing attempts, especially given how determined she was. I put my chopsticks down and reached for her hand. “The movement should be more like this—”

I jerked my head back when Elsie suddenly lifted her gaze up at me. Just as with her hair, her eyes were a lighter shade of brown compared to mine. I always thought brown was such a boring color to have for eyes, but the way the sunlight from the open window hit hers was striking. It was like a shard of obsidian preserved in amber.

I suddenly got the urge to close the curtains. Really, just to stand up in general. Elsie was too close to me. This was not the kind of closeness I was striving for today. I eventually did get up, but it was to go to the kitchen, returning shortly with a fork.

Elsie took it gratefully. “I’ll practice more.”

“Sure. Okay. Yeah.” My choppy speech was back.

I was hungry yet also felt like puking. It was as if whatever I might swallow now was sure to get launched right back up after bouncing on the trampoline of my racing heart…

But my heart should be the least of my concerns as I checked the time on my phone. I had first period today! I mindlessly forced down the rest of my breakfast and rushed to get ready for school. By the time I was heading out the door, I noticed Elsie had finished her breakfast too and was starting on the dishes. Her doing housework was a rare sight to see, but I currently didn’t have the luxury of time to dwell on it unless I wanted to risk being late to class. I would thank her for it later.

. . .

My running had been in vain. I arrived at my morning class a safe ten minutes before it started. That was the benefit of living much closer to school. Since I had some time to spare after settling into a seat, I decided to get a can of coffee from the vending machine. I would be needing the caffeine for this three-hour lecture.

Just as the vending machine came into my line of sight, I had to stop in my tracks. This was the first time I saw Woojin since the café. He looked the same as usual, albeit more tired due to the early time. He was getting himself a can of coffee.

I needed to quit staring. During these past few days without contact, I tried to wrap up my feelings for him. Sure, there still was heartbreak for a relationship that ultimately never could be, but it was better to face the pain head-on than to keep it vaguely lingering in the back of my head with no proper label to it.

Shock. Disappointment. But also at the end of it, understanding. It was because I wanted to understand him that I gained an even stronger urge to organize my feelings for him already so that I could just be there for him as his seonbae and nothing else. And until I had these feelings completely sorted out, I wasn’t confident I could face him for the time being.

Woojin never noticed me standing only a few meters away as he headed for his first period. I turned around too, walking back to my own class without coffee. I could always get some during the break time anyway.

(*Jal meokgesseupnida: Literally meaning “I shall eat well”, a Korean greeting used to give thanks before a meal)