August 27th
School has started one again. It’s way too hot. I hate this heat and having to go to school. I hate the crowds of people. All the fake friends. My life is perfect but why do I feel so lonely? I have nothing to complain about and yet I still feel miserable. I put on a smile for everyone but I’m not happy. Johnny doesn’t understand. He’s the center of everything. I fall in the background while everyone runs to him. Honestly, being out with other people isn’t great. I don’t like it. When it’s just me and him I don’t mind. I do like him but is this all there is to life? Living in the same small town, with the same people forever?
I’m not popular like him. The only time people even acknowledge me is because we’re dating. I feel like I’m trapped in some kind of imaginary romance movie. He’s the popular jock, while I’m just the nerd he has to take to prom. Mom and Dad both expect so much from me, everyone does. Just because I’m a wolf doesn’t mean my life needs to be put on fast forward. I’m still young shouldn’t I be allowed to live my life how I see fit? The problem is it feels like 1895 where I’ve been betrothed to one man. I do love Johnny, I do, but when people explain bonding and fated mates. I always thought it would be different. Something inside of me still just doesn’t feel right. I’m not sure what to do. I have homework to do, I’ll try to keep writing but no promises.
My fingers grazed where the pen touched the paper. Her writing was beautiful. I needed to pace myself. The truth is in my fingers, but I shouldn’t force myself to read all of it. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. There was still a piece of me that feared what I really didn’t want to know.
I was still upset with what Gramps said, but at the same time I know he didn’t mean it. I’ve begun to clean the house out so he can come home. The doctors told me soon but not yet. I would rather him come home to a clean house vs a dirty one. I was able to clean out one of the guest rooms for Wolf. He moved into the room and has been using it to avoid me.
I knocked on the door. There was no response, which wasn’t new. Ever since that night he hasn’t talked to me. When we do come across each other he won’t even look at me. I ruined the one friendship I had.
I shouldn’t be surprised. I ruin everything I touch.
I speak to him through the door. I know he’s in there, he just doesn’t want to see me. “I’m headed out now. I’ll be home later, maybe we can have dinner together.” I was greeted with silence. I rested my head against the door. “I miss you”I mumbled the words softly. With a final pat on the door I push myself off. I have to head to the center of town.
My feelings aren’t even considered as a wedding is being prepared. I’m the bride and all I can think about is a different way to escape every day. I have to go and watch as everyone plays nice.
The days drag on. They blur together. I don’t know what’s going on most of them. I’m not allowed to work, or do anything for myself. I’m numb, trapped behind a glass wall. No matter how much I suffer inside I can’t break it. No one cares how I actually feel. They only care how he feels.
Most of the time I sit quietly behind him, while he makes the decisions. I feel like a lifeless doll he drags behind him. When I get to the square the sun beats down on me. It should be cold but it’s hot. I use my hand to hide my eyes from the sun when I step out of the truck.
For once I’m the first one here. I can’t see him anywhere around. I move to the fountain. It’s weird, one of the things I’ve always enjoyed is being around water. The sound is always so nice, it’s soft. I sit on the edge of the fountain and enjoy the sun beating on my skin. When I close my eyes I can't help but imagine.
Imagine my life turning out differently. Having parents who loved me. Wolf marrying me.
Wait-
What is wrong with me?
I try to think of something else. If anything it’s a small crush, not friggin marriage. I’m already engaged to his brother, even though it’s not by choice. Not to mention Wolf clearly doesn’t feel the same.
I try and focus on the warmth of the sun and the sound of the flowing water. I need to bring myself back down on the earth. Stop my wandering thoughts.
“Andy, baby.” Lips touch my cheek and arms wrap around my waist and lift me in the air. The feeling of my body in the air pulls a squeal from inside me. He spun me around a couple of times, when he finally slowed, my eyes open. I do enjoy the smell he gives off.
His pheromones are always stronger when he’s around me. Maybe there’s truth in what he says. Maybe he does genuinely like me. He’s the only one who has this strong of a reaction when he sees me. He did also bring my grandfather back. It’s not his fault gramps said the things that he said.
I think more than anything I’m just overwhelmed. I think there’s so much going on and my brain is struggling to deal with it all.
“Why are you so excited?” He set me down, his hands still remained on my waist.
“Because I get to see you. Any day that I get to see you is going to be a great day.” I chuckled and shook my head. He positioned himself so our hands were locked together and we stood by each other's side.
He began walking and I followed as he dragged me with him. We had worked out a deal with the both of us. I told him I needed my own space. So he wasn’t allowed to harass me at my home. He did force me to allow him to pay my bills for me. He also gave me an allowance. I didn’t like it so I just stuffed the money into an extra account. I don’t like getting things from people. They always want something more in return. Which I mean when you look at it, that’s kind of what’s going on here. He wants marriage. He wants the rest of my life.
That idea terrifies me.
I still don’t think he realizes that it’s just a fling. I feel it’s just a passing phase for him. I know I shouldn't think like that but how can I not.
There’s always some kind of underlying truth. In every situation there is something the other party doesn’t want you to see. Every person has their secrets. They always cross their fingers behind their back.
I still haven’t been able to figure out what Hunter’s plan is.
My life has been a bit of a blur. Everything around me seems to be moving on fast forward while I’m stuck in slow motion watching it all go on around me. While I try to catch up everything just moves faster.
It’s weird because I should be used to people whispering to one another. I was used to it at one point in time. The problem now is I don’t know what they say to one another. Before I could recite what they were saying because I knew. But right now-
My fingers dug into my palm.
Fear suddenly flashed across their faces and they ran away. I looked up at Hunter who now looked down at me. He smiled softly and tightened his grip around my hand. He brought our hands to his lips where he softly placed a kiss. Suddenly we stopped right outside a small cafe.
“What are you doing?”
“Today I wanted to put a pause on the wedding stuff. I wanted to just spend some quality time with you. I know that you’re a little overwhelmed with it all so-”I hugged him. He chuckled but wrapped his arms around my waist.
WhenI pulled away I could feel the warmth on my cheeks. I just couldn’t help myself. I was so tired of all of the wedding stuff all the time. To finally get a break was like a breath of fresh air.
We walked to the counter. He put in our order for us and then grabbed my hand once more.
“Ok I want to show you something, but you have to close your eyes. I want to surprise you.”
“I’m sorry what?”
“Close your eyes!” I sigh and shut my eyes. I feel him guide me to an unknown spot. His words help me not faceplant into the floor. “Ok”
I slowly opened my eyes. A small beautiful garden. I couldn’t help the swell of emotions filling up inside of me. “What is this?”
“I built it for you. I know all of this wedding stuff is hard for you, but I made a place for us to take a break. I-” For a moment he seemed real. He wasn’t this fake hero who was trying to marry me. Instead he was a genuine man who cared for me. Not the unattainable omega.
I was simply Andy, and he was someone interested in just me.
I smash my lips to his. The warmth of his body invaded mine. I tangled my fingers into his hair. Drinking in his scent. Feeling the soft silk from his lips. Hands crept up my back sending a fire into my groin as I pressed myself against him. There was no need for air because the light headed feeling only added to the desperate need. I felt as though I was flying, it was like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real.
Only it was because only in reality would a moment like this be taken away.
The loud ringing of his cell phone broke us apart. I was left panting. I couldn’t stand. My knees were weak. I was left gasping for air as I collapsed on the floor holding my chest as the cool air filled me. The fire throughout my body quickly cooled.
My other hand moved to my lips, the feeling still imprinted in my mind.
He did care for me, he had to, because he genuinely thought about me. He did understand all of my doubts and was doing everything he could to convince me otherwise.
I pulled myself away from him as my thoughts drifted. It reminded me of Wolf. My heart ached. It’s easy to imagine him when they look just like one another. Yet it’s as if they each have a different light formed around one another.
“I’m sorry. Thank you. I love it.” He smiled when I spoke.
“I knew you would love it. Sit down, I’m sure our drinks are ready. I’ll go get them.” He walked away and I was alone again. Sitting alone with my own thoughts is the best way to make a situation worse. I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing.
I try to think about anything else. Try to think about anything other than him. I was trying not to focus on it but the more you try not to think about something, the more you think of the one thing.
I need to think about the one brother that I’m meant to marry, the one that I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with. There’s so many other things to think about, the problem is I don’t want to think about anything.
When I finally get feeling back in my body. I peek into the cafe. The problem is he’s not there.
Now I allowed my feet to move forward. I looked in the cafe. He was nowhere near. Finally I see him just outside the window on the phone. He just had some b business to take care of. There is no problem with that.
I walked to the bar and grabbed our drinks. I moved back to the patio.
I stared at the drinks. I watched as the water dripped down as the ice slowly melted.
I should wait. I didn’t drink either of the drinks.
I waited, but soon the ice was no more.
I sighed. The knot in my throat was heavy.
I left the patio. He wasn’t even there anymore. He had completely forgotten about me and left. This was supposed to be my life. I wasn’t even a second thought in his mind. I really was nothing more than a hobby. I had already been cast aside.
The sun had now been covered with clouds. Something I hadn’t noticed before.
I tried to even my breathing. I fumbled for my keys. WHen I finally opened the door of the truck as soon as it slammed behind me I couldn’t hold it in anymore.
It didn’t matter that I didn’t feel the same emotion with Hunter that I felt for Wolf. To be ignored like this was wrong on so many levels. I let it pour out of my system.
Right now I need something different. I pulled the journal out.
September 19th
I know it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. I actually met someone. Someone different. I’ve never felt a connection with anyone, not like this. I know that I’m supposed to marry Johnny, but I met who I believe is my partner. I look in his eyes and I can see my whole life together with him. When I’m with him all of my fears slip away. I haven't told mom or dad, not that I would tell dad. He would lose his head. He always does. He knows how to throw everything out of proportion. But I should tell him. I know that I should. Maybe if I’m open and honest about not wanting to marry Johnny he’ll call it off. I’m hoping that he’ll accept what I want. You know what I’m going to tell him that I don’t want to be with him.
The entry stopped. I flip the page. There was no date, and something was off. The writing was shaky.
I was wrong.
I shouldn’t have told him.
He forced me to move into his home.
I was put on lockdown.
The problem with moving into a home is there are inevitable things- things that can’t be prevented. I had my heat with Johnny. I spent many nights with Johnny. Nights that I didn’t want to happen.
What didn’t happen is I wasn’t marked. Which means I can run away with him.
Dell snuck into territory. Tonight I’m gonna leave, and I’ll run away with him and will spend life with my fated mate.
I turned the page, that was it. The rest of the pages were blank.
“No.” The words rushed out of my mouth. That can’t be all. It can't be it.
She had been with the alpha. Gramps forced her- No.
I turned the key in the ignition.
It can’t be true. This has to be a lie. Some kind of misunderstanding.
When I get to the hospital. I almost can’t see. I fight through the emotions denying what stands right in front of me. I want him to tell me it’s a lie. I want him to-
He sit upright. Almost as if he had been waiting.
“Tell me it’s a lie.”
“Andy.”
“Tell me- Tell me this is all a lie.”
“It’s not. Andy-”
“Oh my god! I can’t believe it.” My breath was quickening. He had tried to force my mom into a relationship. He decided for her. All of the lies about believing in true love. He stood there and told me we were destined for love and yet forced my mom into a relationship that would benefit them.
“Let me explain. Please.” I wanted to say no. I wanted to tell him to go screw himself, but he was still all I had. I sit in the chair beside his bed.
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