In a moment, the space in which they stood together melted away beneath their feet. June had the sensation of falling, and then she landed back on earth, in the parking lot. Up in space she felt light and free—she felt like there were infinite opportunities for whatever she desired. Now, back on earth, she felt confined—uneasy—like there was no escape from her suffocating issues.
Mercury appeared by her side.
June stared ahead at a tree planted near the parking lot. “You really don’t want to see me again?”
Mercury shook his head. “No. I'm sorry June; I’m not capable of loving you.”
June sniffled. “Please don’t go…”
Mercury put his shades back on with a smile. He tilted her chin up and said, “Take care of that body this time.” He left her side, and she watched him recede into the distance.
June was left alone again. She was happy and sad at the same time. So happy to see him again, but immeasurably sad to see him go. He was the only one who could make her feel loved—make her feel awake.
*
Mercury disappeared from her life again for a time. In the interim, June focused on her classes; she was doing okay in her math class. She slid by with Cs, and for the most part, kept to herself. She wondered how she had ever done well in high school. Keeping up with the assignments while simultaneously trying to enjoy her life was nearly impossible. This was in spite of June's simple schedule; school, home, and model every now and again. She did little else. She worked hard not to take any substances—she avoided any parties on campus like the plague—and kept away from anyone who appeared like they might like taking substances.
June wanted to make friends still, but was too afraid to; without a drug in her system, she just couldn't remember how. At home, she did little other than draw. She drew the same thing over and over again: Mercury. She decided that this has to be her new drug, since it was the only thing that brought her a high without actually infecting her nervous system.
Whenever June left the house, she was always treated to her mother on the couch—looking despondent and depressed. June was at once compassionate and annoyed about her mother's state of affairs. Annoyed because June was working so hard while her mother did nothing but watch TV, and compassionated because within that husk of a woman lived the lively, loving mother she once knew. A month passed, and June finally said to father, “we need to get her some help, Dad…”
Father glanced at mother. He looked very relieved that his daughter was now well enough to come to his aid considering mother. “I know… She doesn’t want to see a therapist though. She doesn’t want to acknowledge anything is wrong at all.”
“She’s just wasting away; she won’t eat at all…” June said worriedly. “Let’s try to convince her together.”
June and her father approached her mother, kneeling next to her by the couch. “Mom, I want you to get help… I really… I really miss when we used to go out together. I miss when you doted on me. I miss shopping together and seeing movies and studying. I miss my mom."”
Father was biting back tears at how heartfelt June sounded. “I’m sorry I said those things to you… We both want you back. You do plenty; you did more for this family than I ever did--we've been miserable without you.”
Mother wasn’t looking at them. She was looking at the TV with a flat expression. Once she let what they said sink in, tears slowly sprang to her eyes. She looked at her child and her husband and for the first time in a long time, truly saw them. Her eyes focused on her daughter in particular, and she reached out and pulled her close. “June…”
June closed her eyes, feeling warm in her mother’s embrace. She had lost her mother at fifteen, and June’s life had been a disaster since then. Now, in her mother’s arms, she felt loved again. No one had loved June, other than her busy father, since high school; there were only boys who pretended to love her.
And maybe Mercury, who she still fixated on endlessly.
Take care of that body. His voice seemed to constantly echo in her mind; without his encouragement, she wasn't sure she would have been able to approach her mother.
*
A week later, her mother was seeing a therapist, and she was put on a medication that would help her depression. With her mother doing better, June was also doing better. June felt well enough to get a part time job stocking shelves at the marketplace with her mother's support. Still, June struggled with making any meaningful connections outside her family.
None of the girls at work liked her. They seemed to be able to smell how dirty she was
“June, you’re spending all your time in your room. You should go out with your friends.” Her mother, now well enough to look after her daughter’s well-being would say worriedly.
June was sitting on her bed, ruminating. She glanced at mother but said nothing. She was too embarrassed to tell mother that she had no friends. “Okay, Mom…”
*
June was allowed some amount of freedom again now that she wasn’t making such poor decisions—that included freedom to drive wherever she wanted during the day without her mother or father blocking her way. June liked to drive to school to get some studying done in the café. She was pulling a late night studying one day, rubbing her eyes as she looked at her laptop screen and feeling completely exhausted.
June closed her laptop for a moment and breathed a deep sigh. She was doing very well lately, and she was unbelievably happy now that her mother was well again, but… her life felt somehow empty. She had inexplicable urges to do things that were reckless and stupid. She wanted to inject drugs into her veins to feel a jolt. She wanted to drink alcohol until she blacked out, and she constantly thought about how much she wanted to see old boyfriends.
Even though Mercury said he would never see her again, that didn’t stop June from following him around whenever she happened to see him at school. She wanted to make sure he wasn’t dating anyone else. Her behavior was bizarre, but she couldn't help herself.
She could feel her impulses attempting to take over her life.
June had tried many times before to tap into her soul state—to separate her mind from her body like Mercury did—but it was no good.
June looked around at all the other students at the cafe.
They seemed so far away...
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