If I’m being completely honest, part of me didn’t believe that I would manage to stay away from boys. Not that I am addicted to sex or anything – although I had a few one-night stands in the past – it’s more that I’m addicted to relationships.

I was never actively pursuing them, but there always happened to be that one boy thrown into my life that I had a connexion with that I thought was worth exploring. I don’t have that in my life right now. Is it because I stopped looking around? I’m not even nervous that I missed something. I am happy that I took the time to focus on myself.

Summer. Fall. Winter is now about to start. Spring. That’s the deal I made with myself as I started to really contemplate that celibacy thing. I will start opening myself again for relationships when I see the first spring blossom. Hopefully, I will have sorted my life by then.

And when I say celibacy… there have been a couple of hook-ups. But nothing that could distract me by becoming more, although nothing with complete strangers either.

I have done a lot of jobs, too. Some just to pay the rent, but some to test a bit of everything and find out what was for me.

I have a few favorites so far. I enjoyed working in the nursing home, the family inn, the park maintenance, and the library. But the nursing home was too close to medicine and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life explaining that no, I didn’t stop halfway through med school because it was too hard to become a doctor and that I became a carer instead. I know it’s not a good enough reason not to go after something, but if that’s enough to hold me back, then it just tells me that I am simply not interested enough in the job. The inn was nice but I think it was the people I was working with more than the job, and they don’t need another full-time member of staff so I can’t even stick to it for a time. Park maintenance was really fun, but I think it was because it was a short contract. The job seemed repetitive. Maybe working in a botanical garden would be interesting, though? I should try to get a small contract somewhere like that. And the library… I liked the place more than the job. If I don’t find my calling soon, I’ll try to go back there, though. I could see myself staying there for a couple of years.

But if I gave up a career, a future, and the boy that came with it, shouldn’t that be for more than finding a place I wouldn’t mind staying in? Then again… is life the pursuit of a career? If I spend the rest of my life doing little jobs, being a jack of all trades and yet master of none, couldn’t that be enough? Couldn’t I find happiness outside of work?

But then how? I still play the violin every day, but I still don’t want to turn it into more than a hobby. I play basketball with a team weekly, but my knee keeps me from pursuing that more seriously. I have other interests but really few passions.

And I agreed that I wouldn’t let a boy define my happiness again.

So I am not idle, I didn’t come back on my decision to focus on myself, but I am still feeling lost. The girls tell me that it’s temporary, but I don’t know. It’s starting to feel like a long temporary. Especially as everyone around me seems to know exactly what they want to do and are on track for their future. I guess some days it’s just hard not to feel like a failure.

Grace sits next to me on the couch and switches off the TV.

“Rude,” I comment.

“Do you want to come to a party with me tonight?”

“Sure. I’m not working tomorrow.”

“There is a catch.”

Of course. I thought that Grace going to a party was an odd turn of events. “What’s the catch.”

“When I say ‘party’, I really mean ‘black-tie even for the hospital’.”

Oh. “Grace…”

“I know, I know… But it’s not for first years, so there shouldn’t be anyone you know there. And everyone is bringing a date. I can’t be the one sad intern who admits she doesn’t have a life. Plus you know the hospital world to some extent. I really want to walk in with a handsome smart boy on my arm.”

“A handsome, smart, gay boy.”

“Yes. Well. No one will know that.”

I’m not entirely sure what she’s asking. “Do you want me to pretend to be your boyfriend?”

“No. I’m not that pathetic. I just want you to be there so I have a friend and I can spend a nice evening and not get bored after twenty minutes. It’s just a plus that you look like that and that all the ladies and the gays will be so jealous.”

“All the ladies and the gays? What about the lesbians?”

“They’ll be jealous that I’m taken. Obviously.”

“Obviously.”

“So you’re coming?”

“My tux needs dry cleaning. Are you paying?”

“Ugh. Sure.”

“Then I’ll come.”

I pretend that I’m doing her a favor, and I don’t really want to go to a hospital black-tie event, but it’s also going to be nice to do something just the two of us. It’s been ages. I tend to do more things with Kate, or we do things as a trio. But I barely remember the last time it was just me and Grace.

Okay, I won’t lie. It does feel nice to be all dressed up. To feel like I genuinely look nice. I also oddly think that it makes me feel and look more grown-up. As if I still have no idea what to do with my life, but my clothes have their shit together.

Yeah, it’s stupid. I won’t share that idea out loud.

And Grace looks absolutely stunning. I mean, there is obviously no sexual tension there, but she is still very pleasant to look at. I understand her hinting that she wanted to walk in with someone she can be proud of on her arm, because I will feel proud to walk in there with her.

Sure, it would be more satisfying to walk in there with a hot, handsome man, but… not before spring. You know what? Let’s ignore the time frame. Not before I have figured myself out. Nope. Bad idea. What if I never figure myself out?

And what if Kate’s little banter is right? What if I really need to go through the alphabet before finding happiness? And I don’t mean finding the one, I do get that I’m just twenty-two and that life is long. I just want… a partner more than a boyfriend. And yes, I also get that before becoming partners, people need to go through the boyfriend phase first, I’m just… not convinced that I can reach that phase. Not unless I compromise a part of me.

Like with Damian. We could still be together and happy if I hadn’t changed my mind about my future. And I can’t really blame him. I changed the contract when I did so. I impacted his potential future too. Was I a fool in this? Would I be happier in med school with a boy by my side and a well-defined future in front of me?

“Are you ready?”

I am so grateful for Grace’s interruption. I can’t start spiraling again. “Yes. Let’s go.” Let’s face this life I threw away. Hopefully, I won’t regret my life choices by the end of the evening.

So far, so good. I mean… this is a nice evening. Everyone is educated, passionate, successful, interesting, the food is great, and Grace seems to be having fun. We are not tied to each other, but we regroup regularly enough that it still feels like we are here together.

But I also very much feel like I don’t belong here. I am fine being a plus one, but I don’t want this to be my life. Despite the pride they all take from their jobs, besides how fulfilling a job it might be… yeah, I still don’t want to be a doctor.

Then again, it’s not like a party was going to change my life. If I could disregard my mom’s ‘I’m so disappointed in you’ speech (line, really. She didn’t need to elaborate), I knew nothing else could change my mind.

After a really boring speech on the importance of this evening to thank the generous charities that help the hospital and celebrate the hard work of doctors and doctors to be, someone asks Grace to dance. I can tell from her eyes that she was really hoping for this moment to happen. She introduces me to Taz, who she so clearly has a thing for, and he asks me if I mind. I really don’t.

And off they go. I look for a minute or two, trying to see if there is chemistry coming from his side. There is.

I hope for Grace that she will go for this. Maybe it will help her loosen up a little bit. I know how hard she is working for school and the hospital, and I want her to have more than this.

You know… as long as she doesn’t have sex in my bed this time.

“Andrew? What are you doing here?”

I know this voice. I don’t have to turn around to know exactly who it belongs to. After all these months, how sad that a voice asking such a plain question could make my stomach clench and my skin tingle?

I turn around, already having forgotten all about Grace and Taz. And there, a few steps away, as if I needed another argument thrown in the mix, Damian, looking more dashing than ever in his fancy outfit, is smiling at me, looking surprised but smiling.