Close to half an hour later, the six remaining llama soldiers found Tommy Tony, surrounding him. He glanced down at his Uzis. Luckily, he still had seven shots remaining in each. More than enough to take out the spit-throwing bastards.

“You’ll pay for the death of my eleven comrades, Tommy Tony! You may have killed two dozen of us, but now you’re surrounded! Give up and I will promise you a quick and easy death!” The llama stepped forward. He had auburn hair, a face full of scars, and massive biceps, the kind that showed he only cared about the glory muscles. He was not the leader, but had taken the role when the last general blew up. Probably because he yelled the loudest.

In an act of defiance and sheer bravery, Tommy Tony stood and rushed into the circle of soldiers.

“Time to kick some llam-ass!” he screamed as he began to fire erratically.

“That was pretty good, at least a five!” a llama shouted out before a spray of lead death put enough holes in his neck to make a decent flute.

Hundreds more bullets sprang from the Uzis. Perhaps it was from shock or their overconfidence, but the soldiers began to drop like dominoes before any could react. Around the circle they fell, shrieking in agony as bullets pierced organs, bones, and assorted genitalia.

“Tommy!” came a shout from a familiar voice.

He stopped his spread of bullets just short of the auburn llama. The llama held a flailing woman, again impressive without fingers, smiling deviously at his intent to use a hostage.

“What kind of coward uses a body shield to win a fight?!” Tommy Tony yelled, guns at the ready.

“Me?! Why the hell did you even bring her here? I mean, you didn’t even give her a gun or a friggen knife or anything!” The llama put up his free arm in accusation. “You can be mad at this outcome, but I don’t think you should be entirely surprised by it.”

Tommy Tony threw his arms out defensively. “Hey, I tried to tell her I had to do this solo and that it was too dangerous. She said that she wouldn’t let me go alone.” 

“You know you could have still said no after that. That also doesn’t explain why you left her unarmed!”

“Tommy, it’s okay!” the woman screamed through her tears. “I got captured! It wasn’t your fault!”

“I hate to break it to you, lady, but even if it wasn’t directly his fault, the dude is bare minimum pretty irresponsible.” The llama was struggling to keep the frantic woman still. “Now drop the guns, monkey baby!”

“Whatever you want, just don’t hurt the girl.” Tommy Tony let his weapons fall to the ground.

“Tommy, don’t do it! You must live! I… I… I love you!” She spoke through clenched teeth. Punching the llama as hard as she could in the stomach, she reached into the satchel at his waist. The llama heard the click of the grenade pin before he could even see it.

He tried to pry himself free, but her arms were wrapped around him, hugging as forcefully as they could.

Tommy Tony’s eyes met hers. He was about to sprint forward but her desperate look stopped him dead in his tracks. He knew there was nothing either could do now. He would remember that feeling for the rest of his life - the knowing, the acceptance, the desire to die as well so he wouldn’t spend a lifetime without her.

“Wow, your fur is like, really, really, soft!” the woman whispered as her cheeks rubbed against the llama’s chest. It was like brushing into cotton candy.

“Thank you very much,” the general replied, far too calmly for being moments from death. “The real trick is not to wash it every day. You have to let your natural oils-”

Whatever words were meant to come next became splatters of organ-colored pulp across Tommy Tony’s face. The blast was so aggressive that remnants of human and llama became intimately intermingled. Tommy Tony could not distinguish between the various parts; the hoof was easy enough to place, but everything else just looked like hamburger meat that happened to have collided with a screen door.

“No. Nooooooooooo!” His scream was anguished and his body had become a punching bag for the painful fury that spilled out. His hands dug at the earth beneath him, pain the only thing that could distract him from the sorrow in his heart. As his hands thrashed around, his knuckles grazed over a small patch of fur. The blast had shaped it into a square not unlike a cloth sample you’d see at a fabric store.

“Jesus, that is really soft!” he exclaimed as he continued to rub his hand across it.