The rest of my Thursday was surprisingly nice. I didn’t even feel that sick, even though I’d felt like dying the day before. Or maybe I was getting used to being sick all the time. I spent the day following Deon around the school, thinking about Beau, and annoying the crap out of my protector.

“Can you just fucking watch where you’re going?” Deon hissed at me after I walked straight into him for the hundredth time.

I snapped out of my daydreams and turned to look up at him. He was glaring at me with a deep frown on his face.

“Sorry,” I said, sighed, and realized we were standing in the parking lot.

“Why are you still following me?” he asked. “I’m not taking you home.”

“I was... I was thinking about something...” I muttered.

I was thinking about Beau, and my body had followed Deon on autopilot. He was still only staring at me, and I realized he was waiting for me to leave him alone.

“Oh, I uh... I’ll see you tomorrow,” I said and hurried toward the gates.

“Fine. I’ll take you home,” Deon shouted after me. “But only because you’re still sick.”

I smothered a smile and turned back to him. “You don’t need to. I can walk.”

“Just get in the car already,” he said in an annoyed voice.

I made my way back to the car and sat down in the passenger seat. Deon fired up the engine and backed away from the parking space. I spotted Beau standing next to his car, clearly looking at me. He didn’t look happy, and when I tried to wave at him, he looked away. I frowned, my good mood instantly dropping. I turned to stare at my hands on my lap, trying not to feel so absolutely miserable.

“So you two are back on good terms then,” Deon noted.

“I...” I muttered, but I had no idea what to say to him, so I shut up.

Deon didn’t ask me to continue. Of course not. He didn’t care. I’d already learned he would say something and lose interest in the conversation right after. I guess he was just saying his thoughts out loud without meaning to start a conversation.

We sat in silence for the rest of the way, and once we reached my home, he just nodded to me when I told him goodbye. I didn’t pay much attention to it since I was still thinking about Beau. He looked really angry...

Was he jealous? But I’d told him about my deal with Deon!

I decided to send him a message and ask if everything was all right. But he didn’t answer. I waited for hours, but I got no reply, even after I sent him another text. And another one. Late that night, I crawled onto my bed and stared at the phone, hoping he would answer already, but no matter how long I waited, nothing.

Had I ruined everything already? He was obviously angry about me hanging out with Deon, so was he expecting me to stop spending time with him, just like he’d stopped seeing Sabrina? If he did, why didn’t he say anything? Or was it so obvious that normal people didn’t need to be told things like that?

“Did I screw up already?” I whispered to my phone.

I spent the evening crying myself to sleep, but before that, I wrote a new word in my black notebook. Screw-up. I always screwed everything up, no matter how hard I tried... And in the morning, when I got out of bed, there was loose hair all over my desk, but I just wiped it on the floor.

I checked my phone, but I had no new messages or phone calls, like I had predicted. Beau was already mad at me. I’d been given one chance to be happy again, and I already screwed it up.

I sniffed and turned to stare up at the ceiling to stop new tears from falling on my cheeks. Once I managed to calm myself down, I walked into my bathroom to take a shower. While I stood under the hot water, I studied Beau’s name on my arm. It wasn’t that big. Each letter was just half an inch wide, but it was crimson red on my pale wrist, making it easy to spot.

I turned to my sink and stopped to stare at the small cabinet under it. I kept my razor blades there... For a moment, I played with the thought of using them again. Maybe this time I would cut too deep...

I could just end it all already...

But I didn’t. Once again, I was too scared to do it. What if Beau hadn’t seen me at all and had been angry at something else? Or maybe he got blinded by the bright sun, and he was frowning because of that?

I came up with a hundred reasons why Beau had looked so angry. I had to believe it wasn’t because of me. Maybe he’d lost his phone? Maybe someone stole it, and that was why he couldn’t answer me?

When I stepped out of the shower, I was still feeling miserable, but at least I was more interested in hearing what Beau had to say... than in ending myself on the spot.

I glanced at myself in the mirror, and the puffy, red eyes and the dark circles around them. I was a pitiful human being who had to come up with thousands of explanations for why I shouldn’t kill myself just yet. I knew that by the end of the day, I’d just end up being hurt again, but I was still stupid enough to try.

*****

I was surprised to see Deon being early for school for once. I was hiding in my usual place at the back entrance when he stopped right next to the bushes and kicked the branches to let me know he knew I was there.

“Where’s my coffee?” he asked grumpily.

“I wasn’t sure–” I tried to say, but he stopped me.

“Get my damn coffee. Now!” he hissed at me.

I shook my head and gathered my stuff before crawling out of my hiding place. Someone was being even angrier than usual...

“Hurry up. Meet me in class,” he spat and marched away.

“What’s his problem?” I muttered under my breath, following him inside.

When he headed toward the classroom, I went to get his coffee from the cafeteria. And of course, the second I stepped in, I spotted Beau. With at least three girls surrounding him. There were other guys and girls too, but I couldn’t help but notice that these three in particular were fighting for his attention.

I looked away and marched to the coffee machine. I could feel the cold shivers of betrayal running down my spine, and the big, ugly lump of jealousy forming in my stomach. It was just yesterday when Beau kissed me thoroughly and asked me out. And now, when I turned to walk past him again, he didn’t even look at me.

I was air to him...

I hurried to Deon before he’d get any angrier. I found him leaning against the wall opposite our classroom door, his eyes closed like he was having a major headache.

“Here,” I said with a tiny voice, and he grabbed the cup from me without even saying thank you.

He gulped half of it down while I just stood there in front of him. I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t decide whether to go home and just kill myself or stay at school and be yelled at by Deon, and count how many girls Beau was swooning with his good looks.

My head was such a mess I couldn’t even decide if I should move. I just stared at the wall next to Deon, fiddling with the sleeve of my hoodie. At some point, Deon seemed to notice my distress, but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if I was waiting for him to say something, anything, to ease my pain...

I couldn’t think of any other reason I was still standing there...

“You look like you could use strawberry ice cream,” he finally said.

I nearly burst out crying at that moment. It was the kindest thing anyone had ever said to me. I wanted to hug him, but he’d only get mad at me if I did, so I tried my best to fight off my emotions.

And... I found it quite comforting that he was there, showing me sympathy, even though he had just been angrier than ever before.

When the bell rang and the teacher opened the door, I felt Deon’s hand brushing my shoulder lightly before he tossed the empty coffee cup into the trash can. Without saying a word, he waited until I had recollected myself, and together we walked into the classroom and made our way to the back. We sat down at our usual desks just when Beau walked in. I kept my eyes glued to my book, trying my best to ignore him... But I couldn’t.

I could feel Deon’s eyes on me...

The day went by in silence. I followed Deon around like always, carrying his bag and books and keeping an eye out for the teachers when he was smoking and even when he suddenly had the urge to go unscrew the lids of every saltshaker again. We hardly talked at all. Deon was still being grumpy, and when the lunch break started, he didn’t even laugh when his little prank took effect.

Beau kept treating me like air, and I decided to do the same. I just followed the scent of Deon’s leather jacket and the thick air of tobacco. I once stopped to wonder why the teachers didn’t say anything about it when they passed us by, because they must’ve smelled the smoke on him.

But no one cared... And honestly, neither did I.

By the end of the day, Deon offered to take me home again. I told him he didn’t need to do that, but he insisted. He even offered to buy me that strawberry ice cream, but I declined. He looked like he wanted to force me to eat one, but he gave up and drove me home.

“I’ll call you when I’m coming, okay?” he said while I was getting out of his car.

I wanted to believe his voice sounded worried, like he feared I wouldn’t be around anymore when he was done having fun. I wasn’t sure if he actually was concerned about me, but that thought was enough to keep me around.

It was sad how desperate I was to find solace even in the smallest of things, and in the shortest of words...

“Okay,” I told him, and smiled a little for the first time that day before closing the door.

I watched him drive away, and the smile I had grew a little bigger. It would be great if Deon just admitted we were friends, but maybe he was slow to warm up to people. I appreciated his efforts to comfort me more than he would ever understand, and no matter what he said, I considered him my friend.

That had been my deepest wish for quite some time now. To have a friend... Someone to talk to... And it looked like my wish was finally coming true, no matter how reluctant Deon was to admit it.