"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Hannah found herself with a small bag on the road barefooted walking through the freshly fallen snow. Her mind was blank except for the need to get away from the place she never wanted to leave. Each step took her away from everything she knew and filled her with apprehension but going back was not an option anymore. She knew what waited behind her and now she has to be brave and see what lay ahead.

She was going to London, that's all she knew. She was going to the people who raised her to the only family she knew, she was going to the Brown's. She knew she could always find comfort in Mrs Brown and thereafter decide what is in store for her future. She halted in her steps when she realized she is leaving the county to never come back.

She turned around to take a last look at the place she grew up in. She never explored the lands, always confined to the walls of the orphanage but she always found herself safe here. The fear of the unknown in the outside world always kept her chained to this place and now she has to run away from here.

The Raymond manor was visible far away and that made her turn around and walk faster. In her own turmoil, she didn't notice the rider that went past her. While she resumed her walking she noticed the rider in front of her stop and turn around and started towards her. Once again her mind screamed to run but she held her stand in spite of every voice in her body screaming at her.

"Missy," The rider said sounding familiar.

"Gustav," Hannah said unsure of his face hidden behind the leather lapels to protect from cold.

He got down the horse, taking away his hat and showing his bright smile. Hannah relaxed at the familiar face.

"Why is it that I always find you freezing, missy?" He asked.

Hannah felt the chilling cold seeping into her when she finally let her body leave the tension she has been carrying since she left the manor. Her fingers were frozen and she was shivering, she chuckled at him, he did always find her when she is running away.

"Now, where are you off to this time, missy?" He asked when Hannah didn't answer.

"Where are you off to, Gus?" She asked in return.

"The big city, missy, London," He said ecstatically at the prospect of visiting London. He turned his horse around and started walking with Hannah on his side.

"I was so happy when Dr Smith wanted me to go to London and buy some medicines and take his mail to some of his doctor friends. I asked around to see what is there to look around, I do not want to miss anything. I heard that the Thames will be frozen at this time," Gus kept rambling about London and Hannah found momentary solace in it. He was a very simple person filled with wonder about everything. She briefly wondered why she can't be free as he was!

"Missy, you didn't tell me where you were going?" He asked again after some time.

"London," She answered.

"On foot?" He asked amused, "The palace people didn't give you a pony." He said referring to Raymond manor.  

"I am going to meet my guardians. No pony from the palace for personal use, Gustav," She answered.

"Well then, my ma always taught me to protect a woman in need and I am sure the road to London is not safe for a lone woman. I will come with you till you reach your guardian's home, missy," He said determinedly.

"Thank you for the offer but I will only slow you down," She said.

"You are in luck, missy, I have enough money to rent another horse so you won't slow me down, "He said.

Gustav rented another horse for Hannah and soon they were on their way to London. Gustav did most of the talking keeping Hannah away from her destructive thoughts. After half of the journey, he too was tired of talking alone with no response from her and soon they proceeded in silence. They spent their night in a tavern stables couple of miles from London to avoid the danger in the London streets at night.

At the break of dawn, they were back on their way. Hannah told Gustav she was an orphan and her guardians were the caretaker of the orphanage, the broken building where he found her last time. As they neared, Gustav told her he lied and spent his boarding money to rent a horse for her which instead of angering her made her utterly grateful to him.

Hannah promised him to request for his boarding at the orphanage after berating him, their relationship looked like a younger brother and elder sister. Gustav was like a guardian angel to her, always appearing when she found herself lost.

The orphanage appeared gloomy, Hannah made her way inside and started looking for Mrs Brown the only person who could embrace her and she can finally cry her heart out. She was led to Brown's quarter she entered after knocking on the door.

Mr Brown was sitting in the corner looking worse than ever, his cheeks hallowed and eyes dark, he was skeleton his health worse than last time she saw him. The sadness in her heart grew, he welcomed her in his home when her own mother gave her up, provided food and shelter, went up against everyone for her, and now she was here again bringing problems and nothing else. She almost turned around to leave when Mr Brown called her.

"Hannah, is that you?" He asked in a hoarse voice like it hasn't been used for a long time.

"Mr Brown, yes," Hannah answered, "I.., Uh, Where is Mrs Brown?"

"What!" He asked unfocused the book in his hand falling, his face paled.

"Mr Brown, are you alright?" She asked concerned.

"You don't know," He said defeated. Hannah didn't understand what he was talking about, he stared into oblivion forgetting her presence and she wished to leave him to his devices and look for Mrs Brown.

"Uh, Mr Brown, I will go look for Mrs Brown," Hannah said awkwardly.

"She is gone," He whispered, "She waited for you, she kept waiting, and when you didn't come she left."

Hannah was conflicted as to what to make of Mr Brown, she knew surely that Mrs Brown will never leave her husband.

"M. Brown, I am sure she is here somewhere, I will go look for her," Hannah said once more.

"Hannah, " He sighed miserably, "Bring that box," he said pointing to the wooden box on the table.

Hannah sighed and picked up the box and put it on his lap carefully. Mr Brown held her wrist and motioned her to sit near his feet. He stayed silent staring off into space one hand holding her wrist and one on the box. She grew concerned, Mr Brown was acting unusual. 

"We had a baby after a decade of trying," He said suddenly shocking Hannah, "we were so happy and then that happiness was taken away from us. It was very difficult for us. People left their children at our doorstep while we couldn't have our own. She kept getting worse by the day and I felt like a failure. And then you came, I took you from the woman who birthed you. You were so small and so beautiful and I put that small bundle in her lap and she cried for the first time after the funeral and I knew you will bring her back to me." A ghost of a smile played on his face.

The steady flow of tears was falling from Hannah's eyes. She knew what was coming and she didn't want to believe it.

"She waited for you. I sent so many letters and no answer came. We grew fearful, I couldn't leave her alone and look for you. She was delirious crying for her baby. We had a son and she was crying for a daughter and one night she left me all alone in this world," Mr Brown said tears falling from his eyes. 

Hannah was sobbing in Mr Brown's lap while he held her hands. She had her head in his lap staring at the burning candle her soul numbed mourning the loss.