This scene then began.

“We have a female hostage, Tommy Tony! Surrender and we shall not hurt her! Continue to resist, and we shall feed her to a pack of wild giraffes!”

Tommy Tony heard murmurs coming from the direction of the llama’s booming voice.

“How the hell does something that big, with such a strong neck, not eat meat?” There was slightly more murmuring. “Well, if you’re so damn smart, why don’t you tell me a better threat!”

There was a slight pause and more murmurs.

“Tommy Tony, allow me to correct myself. We may have to feed her to a roving gang of elephants!”

There was a very long pause, then a myriad of shouts.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Plants? They’re big enough to eat whatever the hell they want, and they eat fucking plants?! To hell with it! Tommy Tony if you don’t surrender yourself in the next minute, I’m just going to kick her in the teeth!”

Tommy Tony clenched his fists around his Uzis. He was enraged, but also reeling from compulsive thoughts about dental care. Quite often he would have nightmares where his teeth would shatter, crack, or fall out.

 Ben Jeremy could tell how agitated Tommy Tony was and went to place a gentle hand on his thigh. Unfortunately, the scientist’s poor vision caused him to miss and his hand landed higher up on Tommy’s leg than either would have wanted.

“I know what you’re thinking, Tommy. But this mission is too important to risk it. Can we measure one woman’s life against the survival of our entire race?” Ben Jeremy had yet to move his hand. If he moved it in the wrong way, he might accidentally graze something he wasn’t ready to graze. He wasn’t even sure he felt attraction to humans let alone a specific gender or non-gender on the spectrum of human sexuality.

“I’m not going to argue philosophy with you, white coat. This isn’t about how many we can save. This is about who we wanna be when the llamas are gone.” Tommy Tony thought about moving his leg, but worried any sudden movement might cause the hand to slip further up.

“Actually, I agree with the scientist. I fear your motivation may be spurned more by the desire to fornicate than uphold any system of morals.” Mwah couldn’t help but wonder what bizarre ritual was going on between the two men. Was the thigh hold a show of dominance, or submission? Perhaps if Mwah had let Tommy Tony hold his coxa like that, they would have made up sooner.

“I don’t just rescue people because I plan on banging them! Firstly, I’m appalled at the accusation. Secondly, I’ve never slept with any of the people I’ve rescued. Not even Eric.” Tommy Tony shifted on accident and the scientist’s hand tenderly slid upward.

“Yes, I remember that man’s wavy hair quite fondly.” Mwah became lost within a memory. “I am not typically interested in anything sexual, but for him I would make an exception.”

“What the fuck did I get myself into?” Ben Jeremy muttered. He was contemplating starting over when his hand drifted till it could drift no more. He avoided eye contact with Tommy Tony like it was the plague.

“Well, either way I’m going to rescue her! You can either come with me or do this mission with just Mwah. And since he’s already shot you once, I don’t think that would go very well for you.”

Tommy Tony stood and let the scientist’s hand slip from his person. As he turned to leave, he could hear just a few gentle words escape the scientist’s lips.

“I touched the tip.”

***

“You mean to tell me the relative size of an animal in no way affects whether or not it eats meat?” The squad leader, LungeSpit, had a small pistol placed to the head of the captive human female. She had gone limp in his arms, possibly from shock, or because she just felt like being difficult. Either way, it was like holding a burrito wrap that was run through the dishwasher.

“Frankly, sir, it seems as if creatures of all sizes eat a wide variety of diets, up to and including no meat at all.” MuddyHoof, the team’s sniper, was keeping an eye out for Tommy Tony.

“I have much to learn of this world, MuddyHoof!” LungeSpit replied. “I retire in less than three days and hope to see it all with my beautiful wife.” Dreams of his wife skipping through meadows in a sundress began playing in his mind.

“Sir, it probably wasn’t a good idea to mention any of that.” MuddyHoof gave his captain a concerned glance.

“What? Why shouldn’t I mention such a thing?!”

Tommy Tony crashed through the concrete wall behind LungeSpit. Wrapping his arms around the startled llama, he pressed a pistol into its neck and fired two shots. Blood and bone shot out of the wounds and sounded like maracas when they hit the opposing wall. Pus and saliva began pouring from the llama’s eyes and mouth.

The hostage in LungeSpit’s arms scrambled to get away from the violence, more concerned with avoiding the gore then her safety. She sprinted on uneasy legs towards the corner of the wall.

MuddyHoof swallowed his terror and leveled his rifle at the woman. Thinking quickly, Tommy Tony hurled the dead captain over his shoulder, shielding the woman from the bullet. He then tore the corpses head from its neck and crammed it into the screaming mouth of the llama sniper. With a right hook, he pushed the severed head into MuddyHoof’s throat.

Falling to his knees, MuddyHoof tried in vain to pull the object out. Roughly four to six minutes later, lacking for oxygen, his brain fell into the black embrace of death.

“Hope that pill wasn’t too hard to swallow!” Tommy Tony shouted. He then proceeded to shoot the llama in the crotch several times.

“Thanks for saving me, but that was a two, even if I’m being generous.” The Rescued Woman looked at him apologetically.

“Yeah, sorry," Tommy Tony answered, then frowned. "That wasn’t my best, but all the other ones I thought of were sexual in nature. Didn’t think that would make the best first impression.” 

The Rescued Woman walked over and placed a consoling hand on his shoulder. “I’m not sure anything could have changed my impression of you after what I just witnessed. That was easily the most horrible thing I’ve seen in my life. It will haunt me, waking or dreaming, for years to come. I mean, you ripped off that llama’s head. Why would you even think of doing that?!”

Tommy Tony shrugged and smiled. He was blissfully unaware that she did not mean that as a compliment. “Well, in order to get out of this alive, I’m afraid you’re probably going to see more like it.”

The Rescued Woman looked around for an escape route. Just in case.

“Near as I can tell this was a platoon of about fifteen. I killed four on the way here, and two rescuing you. That leaves eleven soldiers to deal with!” Tommy Tony said the final count confidently.

“That doesn’t add up to-” The Rescued Woman started to answer.

“What was that?” Tommy Tony stood in front of the woman, throwing out a protective arm. “I need you to get back and stay down. The gunshots must have drawn the rest of the llama’s here.”

“Wouldn’t it be a good idea to give me a gun, just in case? You know, back you up, defend myself?” The Rescued Woman didn’t seem to be getting the man’s attention. Annoyed, she retreated to the corner of the room as Tommy Tony launched himself back into battle.

“ExscUzi me!” he screamed, diving head-first over some hedges. The woman placed her hands over her ears and questioned if her rescue was worth being around this man.