"Hi," he says, smiling at me. We have been texting a lot lately but it's somehow weird to be talking to him like this, in real life, with Grace a couple of chairs away.

"Hey," I reply but Damian is already not looking at me anymore. He is looking at her, using his most charming smile.

"Grace. Any chance that I could sit down and still live to tell the tale or will you murder me if I come too close?"

Before she gets a chance to say anything, I tell him to ignore her and pull a chair. On her face, I can read exactly what she thinks about this, but no matter what happened between Damian and me, no matter what will or won't happen, I am determined to keep things civil between us. I silently tell her to mind her own business and she turns toward Taz again. I know she’s still listening, though.

Damian extends a friendly hand out to Scott and says. “Hi. I’m Damian.”

“Scott.”

They shake hands and Damian smiles at me. “Not an E?”

“No. It’s nothing like that anyway.”

“An E?” Scott asks.

“It’s nothing. I’ll tell you later,” I brush off before turning to Damian again. “So. Not too bitter about losing? I know how competitive you can get.”

“I’m… a bit bitter. But I don’t mind losing to you. Being eliminated on the music round made sense. Besides, most questions reminded me of things you taught me.”

“Not fast enough for you to answer them,” Scott comments.

“No. I’m actually surprised anyone stole an answer from Andrew. You, however, did outstandingly well.”

“I got lucky. I’m sure you would have had a lucky topic too.”

“Out of medicine, I’d say… Fine arts? That was our usual weekend, wasn’t it? I dragged you to the museum, you took me to the opera.”

“You didn’t drag me, I was always happy to go.”

Damian is still smiling but it almost seems sad now. "Anyway, I was going to text you tonight and then you showed up. Do you want to get coffee with me sometime this week? I'd like to catch up for real."

"Don't you have a boyfriend?" Grace asks, suddenly turning around.

"You figured me out," he replied without even looking at her. "I said coffee but I meant sex." That makes me chuckle. Grace is about to add something but he speaks first: "Don’t worry. I know Andrew is not really available right now."

I told him about the no dating thing and he has been so supportive of it, even if I’m not entirely sure he gets it. Grace wouldn’t think so, but I think this is an important shift in our relationship. The last time he didn’t understand a decision of mine, he couldn’t support it so this is a giant step. And maybe he can only support this if he is my friend, and we might not be working our way back to each other but we are definitely working our way toward something better than a bitter breakup and that alone makes it all worth it.

“We can definitely do that on Wednesday,” I say. “Coffee, I mean. Not sex.”

“I guess I’ll settle for whatever you give me,” Damian replies with a wink, clearly trying to annoy Grace. “Usual place, usual time?”

“That sounds perfect.”

Damian stays for a couple more minutes before returning to his friends. Grace’s face clearly states that she isn’t happy about that and she will be talking to Kate about this. I clearly live with the dating police…

“Not an E?” Scott asks.

“Long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

“I’ve had four boyfriends. Adam, Ben, Clark, and Damian.”

“That’s not a long story.”

“No, I guess not.”

“So is it a fetish thing or just a coincidence?”

“Maybe neither. Maybe they were all meant to be. Leading me to…”

“Ethan? Elliott? Emmet? Ewan? Emily?”

“Emily?”

“Hey, I don’t know what you’re open to,” he says with a smile, and then his face twitches. He looks at me like he suddenly connected dots I have no clue about. “Wait… I know who you are, Andrew Scott.”

“I would hope so, we’ve met before, and we’ve been talking all evening.”

“No, I mean… I’ve heard about you before. You’re Clark’s Andrew.”

His sentence makes me shiver. Not particularly in a pleasant way. “Wait, you know Clark? And I don’t think that I belong to him.”

“I do know him. Vaguely. We have friends in common. And no. You definitely don’t belong to him. It’s not what I meant. It’s just… People are oddly drawn to Clark and he gets tired of things easily. I think you are the first one to have actually dumped him. He still talks about you. The one that got away.”

“I didn’t get away. He cheated.”

“Yeah. Some people are like fire. It’s warm and beautiful to look at, but it’s also intense and sometimes you get burnt.”

Scott’s words stick with me for a while. He described Clark so well. I was attracted to him like a bug by the flames, entirely mesmerized, but in the end, he wasn’t good for me. Even when I realized that, it took me time to walk away from him. It literally took a trigger.

It was so dark and cold after his fire. That’s something that drawn me to Damian almost immediately. He was bringing warmth and light back in my life. But a less intense one. Something I would be able to live with without being burnt too badly. Or so I thought. And then he left me. And everything was cold and dark again.

I think this is why I wanted to take a break from dating. I wanted to be able to see the light again without attaching it to a boy. I don’t know if it’s working. Because deep down, I still feel like I’m going through the motion of my life rather than actively acting on it.

Coffee with Damian. That feels so domestic and familiar. I can so clearly see that it could have been my life if only… if only what? If I had stayed trapped in a path that didn’t fit me anymore? If Damian had stayed with me even when he felt like he didn’t know the man next to him?

I don’t resent him for the breakup anymore. It was no one’s fault. We were just out of step. But maybe now we get each other again. Maybe this was a break more than a break-up.

“How is your life right now?” he asks me as we sit down with our coffees.

“Pretty great,” I reply. It’s not really a lie. It’s just the go-to answer I use when people ask me that and I don’t want to have to think about it.

“Where are you working at the moment?” There is no malice in his question. He knows why I dropped out of medical school and I genuinely believe that he would be thrilled if I told him that I had finally found my calling.

“I’m in between jobs.”

“Anything lined up?”

“Not yet.”

“Do you remember my uncle?”

“The plastic surgeon?”

“Yeah. He is looking for a new assistant. It is less glamorous than it sounds. It’s office work. I could get you an interview if you want. I mean… I know you’re trying to walk away from the medical field so it’s not ideal, but… I thought I’d offer.”

“I am not exactly trying to walk away from the medical field. I’m just— It really wouldn’t hurt to get the interview. Who knows? It might be a good fit.”

“It might,” Damian replies with a smile. “Sometimes, we need a little help seeing what the good fit actually is.”

I am not sure what he means. Are we talking about jobs, are we talking about medicine, are we talking about us, are we talking about something completely different…? And whatever we are talking about, what does he mean by that?

I don’t want to ask, so I change the subject. “What about you? How is medical school?”

He sighs. “Hard. Harder than I thought. I feel guilty just taking the afternoon off for coffee. But I still love it, and that is still what I want to do with my life.”

“I’m happy for you. Still neurosurgery?”

“I… don’t know.”

“Really? It feels like it has always been your calling?” Okay, it was probably an ambition more than a calling, but I don’t want to sound judgmental or unsupportive. Because I’m really not. I understand his dream. It used to be mine too.

“It’s still something I would love to do. That I would kill to do, perhaps. But I’m not sure I’ve got surgeon's hands.”

“What do you mean?”

“I am not as precise as I would like. And we are literally talking life and death here, so… yeah, I’ve never envied your magic hands so much before?”

“Magic hands?”

“Oh come on. You have incredible control over them. Dexterity tests, violin, piano… other types of finger activities…”

I try not to smirk at that. “Speaking of. How is the boyfriend?” Okay… maybe I’m flirting, maybe this is a bad idea, but it does feel good.

Especially when he looks back at me with a playful smile. “There was never a boyfriend. There was a rebound.”

“A rebound?”

“Yeah. Don’t look surprised, you are a tough act to follow. Plus, I know you’ve had a few too.”

“Mine were not rebounds, they were… healthy ways to relieve the pressure, no strings attached. But… I didn’t think you’d need a rebound. Given that you are the one who walked away.”

“I know I did. I know I failed you. I know you’re not dating right now. I know it’s too late, but… I got scared, Andrew… all of a sudden, you were rejecting the entire future we had been planning for… pretty much the entire time we were together. And I…” He sighs. “I’ve been a jerk and I’ve made the worst mistake of my life. Because everyone else just feels like… not you.”

And here I am, completely baffled by this declaration that I sort of prompted but absolutely didn’t expect. I probably look like an idiot, with my mouth slightly open and my eyes wide…

“Sorry,” he continues, “I know I’m just dumping that on you out of nowhere. I don’t expect anything from you. Actually, I don’t want anything from you. You said it yourself. You need time to figure out who you are and I am a bit unsure about what comes next too at the moment. We can’t go back in now. Not if it’s even partially just to fall back into something familiar. But… I’d like for us to keep texting and meeting up sometimes. As we keep living our lives. Rebounds, healthy relief, and all. So we don’t feel like we’re waiting for each other. And maybe we revisit in the Spring? Isn’t that your big deadline?”

“It is.”

“So? What do you say, Andy? Friendship until Spring? And then we see if things feel different?”