It all started on his eighteenth birthday. The day had gone perfectly, he had Saku by his side and they were ending the day in his room enjoying the cake Saku had baked for him. It was delicious. Saku had complained he’d made it too sweet, and wouldn’t stop apologizing for the fact it wasn’t perfect. But to Suzu, it was because Saku had made it for him. And just like everything else his boyfriend cooked for him, it was amazing. Except, today Suzu was having trouble enjoying it, even with Saku holding up the fork, offering to feed him in between sweet kisses. It was stupid because he wanted to enjoy every moment with Saku, he needed to be enjoying these moments, especially after the conversation he’d had with his parents just a few days ago. 

“Suzu-kun,” Saku said in a singsong tone, a suggestive smirk on his face, “do you want the rest of your birthday gift?” 

“The rest? What do you mean?” 

“Well,” Saku put the fork down, moving the cake plate to the floor so he could scoot closer, “your parents are out, I don’t have to be home for a few more hours so…” 

Saku ran his finger down Suzu’s chest, “let’s have some fun.”

Suzu frowned, “Saku… we’re supposed to wait until you’re 16.”

“Oh come on, babe! That’s like three months away! We’re close enough! And you know I’ve been wanting this for so long. We’ve done literally everything else so come on,” Saku tugged on his shirt and looked up, giving him a look that was both irresistible and sexy, “be my first time, Suzu-kun.”

Suzu was conflicted. He should say no. They should wait. But they had been dating for so long and had been friends since they were kids. They knew each other, trusted each other. Suzu had been Saku’s first boyfriend, his first kiss, his first love. It made sense that this was the next step. 

So he agreed. He gave in to Saku like he always did. But they had both been wanting to and it seemed so right. And at the moment, it was perfect. They were so attuned with one another, every move and touch so careful, so filled with love. He held Saku close, kissed him deeply, losing himself in the other’s body. He didn’t want it to end, he didn’t want to face what was waiting for them outside this moment.

But guilt was building as Suzu looked down at Saku, curled up in his arms with a content smile on his face. He was beautiful, he was perfect, and in this moment he was Suzu’s. And that hurt more than anything else. 

It’s not as if their relationship had been perfect, they had plenty of problems. Saku flirted with others far too much, he was demanding, he got jealous easily, and he could be so moody. Some days it seemed like they bickered more than talk, that Saku was upset about something. But right then and there, Suzu realized he was the worst. He was going to hurt Saku and he knew it, but he’d still done this. He’d still slept with Saku, not saying anything to him after knowing for days. 

He was leaving. 

Sure, it wasn’t until the spring. 

But it was happening. 

And he had known about it, he had been planning things with his parents but not once...

Not once did he tell Saku.

“S-Saku...” Suzu said softly, shaking the other awake. 

“Mm? What, round two?” the redhead said with a chuckle. 

“No um, listen I—”

“Wait! Shit! What time is it?” 

Saku moved out of Suzu’s arms to grab his phone and then swore again.

“Fuck. I’m so dead. I have to go.” 

And Suzu just sat there, watching Saku get dressed. He let Saku kiss him before he headed towards the door.

“Sorry, Suzu-kun! I’ll make it up to you later, ok? I love you!” 

Then he was gone. And Suzu still hadn’t said anything. 

Because saying nothing was so much easier. Pulling away without a word would be so much easier than watching Saku’s heart break right in front of him, right?

Saku called him over and over again. He texted; he came by. Suzu avoided him. 

It was terrible. The voicemails ranged from annoyed to desperate to confused to just completely heartbroken. And he listened to every single one.

“S-Suzu, please. Please tell me what I did. I just… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry if I messed something up, i-if I wasn’t good enough,” Saku’s voice cracked, letting the tears he’d been trying to hold back finally fall, “I’m sorry. Just please talk to me. I’m begging you. I miss you, I love you. Please tell me what I did wrong.” 

Suzu couldn’t handle it. He was so mad at himself and he was scared. But he did nothing to fix it. His mom would ask, she would look at him with disappointment in her eyes and even that wasn’t enough to push him. 

When spring came, he just left. He left everything he and Saku had together behind and went to college. He never spoke to Saku again.