He closed his eyes, the memories hitting him hard. For years he just didn’t think about it, pretended it hadn’t happened. But now he couldn’t do that, not with Saku in front of him. And not after he had just kissed him like that. Suzu hung his head, unable to look at Saku for a moment. 

But no, that wasn’t good enough. Saku deserved a real apology, he deserved to be looked in the eyes and told the truth. 

“Saku. I am so sorry. I have never regretted something more than what I did to you. I…I couldn’t deal with the fact I had to leave you and then it was happening before I knew it and I—”

He was cut off by Saku’s fingers on his lips. He furrowed his brows, staring at Saku in confusion. 

“Suzu, I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat it. What you did fucked me up. You didn’t just break my heart, you shattered it. I spent so many hours wondering what I had done. How I had ruined things between us. I replayed that day over and over and over in my head to try and figure it out. Because I was so sure it was my fault, that somehow, I had fucked up.” 

Suzu felt his chest tighten. He had never felt so low. He knew he had hurt Saku but hearing all of this made it a million times worse. 

“I hated you for so long. God, I had a whole speech planned for when I was going to track you down and just completely unload on you. I was crazy. I…I did a lot of stupid things. But Suzu, nine years is a long time to hold a grudge. And yet, I still did. That is until I saw you today. Everything I ever wanted to say to you, to do to you; the ways I wanted to make you hurt like you had hurt me…those feelings disappeared when you smiled at me.”

“Saku, you should hate me. You should be furious at me.”

“I know. But the funny thing is—and I realize the timing is shit given your circumstances—I still,” Saku paused, hesitating before he looked at Suzu with a gentle smile, “love you. I wasn’t exaggerating when I said you were the first and only man I’ve ever loved.” 

“Saku…”

He reached up, gently cupping Saku’s face, “I can never apologize enough. You shouldn’t ever forgive me.”

“I shouldn’t, no. But we were young. You were scared and made some dumb decisions. And honestly, it’s not like it could have worked out. There was so much wrong with our relationship. We were both stupid.”

“But I hurt you. I shouldn’t have been such a fucking coward. And now…”

Saku sighed but leaned into Suzu’s hand, closing his eyes, “Now it’s still pretty fucked up, huh?”

“Yes.”

“Any idea what you’re going to do?”

“God no.”