Damian's words should put me over the moon. It's pretty much what I've been dreaming to hear ever since we broke up. And yet they confused me more than anything. Because I didn’t feel overjoyed when I heard them. I just felt… I don’t even know. It was something positive, for sure. It just wasn’t something strong or powerful.

I didn’t tell Grace or Kate about it. They still aren’t Damian’s biggest fans and I can’t deal with their ‘I told you so’ faces if I tell them that hearing about the possibility of us again didn’t feel fulfilling.

I sigh. I wanted some time to get some clarity. But the more time passes, the least I know what I want. He offered to respect the deadline, though. All I can do is hope that by spring, everything will be clearer…

The text comes in as I’m having dinner, Grace going over her notes on the other side of the table, Kate sitting with us and talking about her day. Her orchestra will soon be performing Sheherazade and she is excited because she was given the bassoon solo. I ignore the notification because Kate takes it so seriously that she asked me to help her practice and to ‘not be nice about it’.

I accept. First, because I do want to support her, and also because I haven’t played in ages. Not properly. The last time was with her, actually, that day before dinner at Taz’s. That immediately makes me think about Scott. Whenever I see him, I always feel drawn to him. I think I might be developing a low-key crush. Not that it matters. Before anything else, I need to sort out the Damian situation.

“Do you think we’ll have time to practice before you go?”

“I’m not going anymore.”

Grace looks up from her notes. “You’re not going home for Christmas?”

“No, I’m not. My mom keeps asking me about my plans for the future, tells me that she’ll happily fill in the forms to reapply to Yale if I want, that she has looked at other schools if I prefer, asks me if I’ll be bringing Damian for the holidays or if I still haven’t fixed my relationship, then she asks if maybe Kate could find me an opening as a violinist…”

“Which I totally could.”

“Not helping. So, yeah, this year, I am taking a break even from Christmas.”

“I won’t be here,” Grace apologizes. “I already told Taz that I would meet his family.”

I am a little jealous, but I won’t spend time analyzing it because I’m pretty sure that it comes from the fact that she’ll get to meet Scott’s family.

“And I’m going home,” Kate says, equally apologetic.

“Girls, it’s fine. The whole point of this year is getting some me-time. I don’t need either of you. That came out wrong. You know what I meant.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Grace asks. Her tone is kind and caring but that sort of only makes it worse. I don’t want to talk about my mother and her aspirations. The fact that she only praises me for my accomplishments and that it makes me feel that I don’t exist outside of what I achieve…

My mother is not a terrible person. I also know she loves me. But it becomes more and more clear that we do not understand each other.

I decline her offer and look at my phone. It’s Marc, asking me out to a club tonight. Marc and I really aren’t dating. He is good fun, but he can also be a little annoying. He is however a very good one-night distraction and I am not oblivious enough not to know what his message truly means. I think that’s exactly what I need. One night of not thinking about Damian, my mother, or even Scott.

“Just get me the music sheet,” I tell Kate. “I have an interview in three days, but other than that, my life is desperately free.”

“Can we have a look tonight?”

“Nope. I’m going out.”

“Can I come?” Grace asks. “I could use a bit of fun.”

“Not your scene,” I tell her. I know this club. I have been a few times when I was still with Clark and once or twice since. Not only is it one hundred percent gay, it’s also… friendly. To say the least.

And yeah… when I get to the club, I can’t find Marc, but there are a few faces I do know. I am immediately pulled to the dancefloor by a few guys I used to go to class with. Although… I’m not sure ‘dancefloor’ is the most appropriate name for it as there is almost more grinding than dancing happening. But that’s sort of all I need right now. Music too loud to think, crowd too big to feel out of place… Getting lost in something more overwhelming than my life.

Half an hour and slightly too many drinks later, I am still dancing, my t-shirt is already a thing of the past, a lot of hands have traveled on my chest, a few on my ass, a couple have brushed my dick, there were a few kisses – not all with the same person – and it is definitely all overwhelming.

But maybe not all in a good way. What am I doing here? This is not who I am. I mean, I’m all for fun and all of that, but when did alcohol and the hands of strangers become my go-to way to oblivion? It makes me feel ashamed, but I know I won’t stop. I will go home with someone tonight. Maybe not even someone I know. Maybe not even home.

I had sex in one of the private lounges here, once. Sure, it was with Clark and we were in a relationship, but I feel so confused and lost that I might go for it with someone else tonight. Not a stranger, but… maybe Marc, if I can find him. Or Alex. He’s here, he’s always been into me, and we nearly slept together a few times, it just never happened.

Shame washes over me once more. What am I thinking? Am I really that desperate? And although it seemed okay to allow myself a few flings during my break from boyfriends – because having sex is different from relying on a boy for happiness – it doesn’t seem healthier to have replaced relationships with a continuous stream of one-night stands… I should walk away and go home.

I don’t.

The evening progresses and at some point, I need a breather. This is too much. I leave the dancefloor to get something to drink from the bar – water this time, I’m properly thirsty, but something stops me before I can reach the bar. I see two men leaving one of the private lounges – where we all know what happens – and I think I recognize the first one. It’s Stan something. I’ve met him just once but he was really nice. I don’t care that much about him. I care about the other guy. It’s Scott.

There is a storm of thoughts and emotions going through my chest, so fast that I can’t recognize any of them. I don’t know how I’m feeling, other than dizzy.

Scott sees me too and it’s almost like everything around us is happening in slow motion. There is just us, the awkwardness of meeting here, like that, and the harsh reality of what he is walking away from. I could smile and walk away. I could walk the few meters between us and talk to him. I could ignore it completely. I could… I don’t know what I could do. I still don’t know how I feel about it.

All I know is that the happy glow I managed to wrap myself in despite the shame disappeared and I now find this place disgusting.

Scott starts moving toward me when someone’s arm wraps around me. He is bare-chest too and his body feels soft, warm, and a little sticky with sweat. “Hey, Drew. Fancy meeting you here.”

My eyes close instantly and I lean back, pressing against that body, already really hard in my jeans. I know that voice, I know that touch, I know that smell…

It’s Clark and, this many drinks in, we both know he’ll do whatever he wants with me…