In the middle of the night, I woke up to some noises.

At first, I thought, my dreams just slipped into my state of half awakening. But when I wanted to cuddle back into Kaami's hug, I heard them again.

Sniffles seeped through the closed bedroom door. After five minutes of waiting, I decided to get up. I still was upset, but it couldn't be helped. If Tau needed help it was my responsibility to look after him. Who knew, this could be a great opportunity to prove some parenting skills - I hoped.

With a sigh I got up, trying not to wake Kaami up, and left the warm bed.

The light was switched off in the corridor as it should be. Careful to not make a sound I snuck to Tau's door.

At first, I thought I had imagined the sounds. But when I got cold by just standing in front of the closed door, I could hear the sniffles again.

Not loud - barely noticeable - but I could hear them.

"Tau?"

I knocked at the door.

Immediately, the sounds stopped.

"Tau, are you alright?"

Nothing.

Did I imagine it or did he pretend to sleep?

"If you don't feel well, I can help you. May I come in?"

Still, nothing to hear.

I sighed.

Should I just leave?

"If I can help you, just tell me."

It was really getting cold! I covered my chest with my arms and rubbed them over my skin.

"I'm getting to bed. It's really cold out here. Good night."

My feet felt like ice as I turned around and walked back to the bedroom.

"Sir?"

I almost overheard his voice.

When I turned around, I hardly noticed him in the darkness. The only thing I recognized immediately were his eyes - the white of them.

“Yes?”

“I -I - never mind.” He looked down at his feet, then up again. “Good night, Sir.” “It’s Nik.” “Yeah - Nik.” He disappeared into the darkness behind him and started closing the door.

“Hey, Tau! Wait a second.”

The door opened again.

“Can we talk?”

He shrugged, looked at me again. “If you want to?” I walked towards him, trying not to crash into anything stored in the corridor. My eyesight was pretty bad in the dark - not like Kaami, who nearly saw everything when the lights were shut. 

When I finally stood right in front of him, Tau switched the light on. Instantly everything behind him got bright. I blinked.

Without saying a word he turned around and walked back to the bed. The sheets were all crumpled. In the middle of the mess, his cell phone screen showed some kind of a video with dancing people and bright neon light.

From first sight, everything looked like it should in a children’s room.

“May I come in”, I asked again and his shoulders moved up and down. But he moved so I could come in and take a seat on the chair which was meant for the desk but was now covered in already worn clothes.

We had to wash these for him! Otherwise, he wouldn’t have any fresh clothes to wear for the next week.

“So”, after looking around for a moment I turned to face him. His eyes had been following me the whole time and now he was staring at me with wide eyes. As if I could do any harm to him!

Oh boy!

After some time of silence I sighed, straightened my back, and folded my hands on my lap.

“Listen, Tau. I’m sorry for my behavior earlier. I was offended by your words. I mean you verbally attacked us as a couple and as individuals. That’s not good. We should respect each other - not yell at each other. This whole situation is new to Kaami and me. We never had any children before and we won’t ever have our own if you know, what I mean.” When I talked, Tau just looked at me - without any emotions - then a little smile appeared on his face as I made a small pause.

“Even if we would be your hundredth foster family you would have to be patient with us.” “But I am not used to gays!” The way he said gays just felt like stabbing a knife into my chest! This kid would never accept us as their foster parents! What should I do? What would Kaami do? Just ignore it?

“What are you used to? Foster-dads who rape you? Would that be better?”

I shouldn’t have said that! I really shouldn’t have! But the way he treated us, treated me, was way too similar to how people had treated us years ago. Kaami and I had already accepted that we couldn’t force people to like us, we already had accepted that, in worst cases, it was easier to move than to fear getting hurt by strangers. But this kid made all these feelings come back in an instant. He made me feel worthless again! He made me feel wrong again!

Tau stared at me. I couldn’t read the expression on his face. It was a mixture of surprise, incredulity, and fear - or was it hate?

“Sorry! I didn’t mean it like that.” “Yes, you did.” “No - I-”

It was pointless to fight him!

I couldn’t do that when I was half asleep and freezing cold.

After clearing my throat and looking around the room again, I said “if you really don’t want to be here, we can call Cheryl.” “You’re making it a bit easy for you, don’t you?” “Sure - but for you, too. Do you think we didn’t recognize how awful you think this whole thing is?” “This whole thing is my life”, he groaned. 

Great!

He was getting angry again! How long would it take until he threw his phone at me?

“I - that’s some shit!” “Yeah, it is! You pitying me now?” “I can’t do that. I don’t even know you.” “Fair point. I hate being pitied.”

“So why did you cry then?” “I didn’t.” “You did. I heard you.” “Not true!” 

How could he be so - so?

Urgh!

In one moment he was all mature and grown up and then he was behaving like a three-year-old!

“Okay. No crying, fine! But you couldn’t sleep. Why?”

He shrugged.

God! I hated it already!

“Hey, I’m here to help you.” “None of your business.” “Listen! It’s none of my business if we are your first or your hundredth-fostering family. I don’t care! But it is my business when I hear your voice and it is keeping me from sleeping.”

“The darkness”, his voice whispered.

“What?” 

“The darkness, for fuck’s sa-” “NO swearing!” “SORRY! DAMN!”

I thought he would snap out of it, like getting all screaming and throwing things around. But he didn’t.

He yelled at me and got silent again.

I rubbed my eyes with my fingers and took some deep breaths.

I was annoyed - and tired - and helpless.

“Okay. Why didn’t you tell us? You’re afraid in the dark. We have to know such things.” “I’m not-” “Wait here. I’ll get you a light.”

In one movement I got up and left the room.

Just a bit until I could get back to bed and cuddle Kaami until I fell asleep! Just a few more minutes!

When I had finally found the little lamp in our storage room and came back to Tau, he was laying in his bed and playing some annoyingly loud game.

“This is for you. You have to put it into a plug socket. When lights are switched off the light will turn on. If you want you can connect it with your smartphone.” “My smartphone? Neat!” “Yea, just have to enable your Bluetooth.”

Finally! Finally, I could go to bed!

“Do you need anything else?”

Tau shook his head, then stopped and reached his hand out for me. “Could you put it in the socket? And wait until I have connected with my phone?” “Sure.” When I took the lamp I tried not to touch his hand with my fingers. Who knew how he felt getting touched by a gay guy…

When the lamp was connected to power a tiny charging sign started glowing in orange.

“It’s on. You can connect now.” “Great. Give me a sec.”

He hit the screen with his fingers and opened and closed some windows and folders on his phone.

“Done! Hey, I can change the color! Can you switch off the light?” “I could do that - yes.”

When he looked up from his screen, he rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. “Could you?”

I switched the button off. Right at the same moment, the lamp switched on. Warm, orange light got emitted and made the darkness a little less dark.

To be honest, it was pretty nice. Like being in a cave with a fireplace.

“That OK?” “Yea. G’night.” “Good night.”