Scott doesn’t reply but he stands up, unbuttoning his shirt. It is incredibly sensual and I have to actively remind myself that this isn’t about seduction. That I can’t just walk up to Scott and kiss him.

He turns around before being done opening the shirt but I could catch a glance at another tattoo on his chest. Not enough to figure out what it was, though. Just that it wasn’t as grand as his back. How many tattoos does he have? Exploring his body must be so much fun!

Wait… probably not the best thought to have right now. He finally gets rid of his shirt and it’s there, right in front of me. It’s more beautiful than I remembered. The details, the colors, the shading, the art… It’s stunning.

“Can I touch it?” I ask almost without realizing it.

There is a second of silence and then: “Sure.”

My fingers brush the boat. His skin is incredibly smooth and I am almost surprised to not be able to feel the texture of the wood.

“Usually, people go for the Kraken first,” he comments. Of course, he would know exactly where everything is. I can see the appeal of the sea creature but then my fingers are brushing the clouds, the fish, the rocks, and finally the monster. I would like more time to analyze the details, but more time and I’d be asking to kiss that skin…

I move my hand away and he gets dressed again, which is slightly heartbreaking. “Without what you said about your summer uniform, would you ?”

“I don’t know. The piece on my back is massive and I don’t want tattoos to take over my body. I’m not sure I’ll get more work done, actually. Not just for the sake of it. It would have to be pretty special. But it’s true that the job is the reason I never went for the arms. I don’t want anyone to forge an opinion of me based on that when I'm working.”

“I’d like to see you work, I think,” I tell him. “Something tells me you’d be quite different.”

“It depends on the day, I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m not the same cop when I am dealing with a bunch of kids being silly and when I deal with an armed robbery.”

“Armed robbery?”

“It does happen.”

I only now really understand that Scott’s job is dangerous. Probably not always, maybe not even often, but sometimes. And that is more than enough.

I want to ask him about it but I remember that he dodged Kate’s questions, that time, at dinner. So instead, I ask the question that has been on my mind all day: "Scott, what is this?"

"Tonight?"

"Yeah."

"It is starting to feel like a date, isn't it?"

"A bit," I admit. Good, it's not just me feeling it.

"Yeah, maybe we should put everything on the table. First, don't worry. I know you’re not dating right now and, trust me, I’m not either. I'm not trying to be your boyfriend. When I met you, quickly at that party, I thought you were cute. I didn’t really think more of it. A lot of people are cute. But then there was Taz’s dinner thing and I admit I was a bit smitten. I thought it was perfect. You weren’t looking for anything serious, I wasn’t looking for anything serious… It was almost fate. I thought that if I saw you again, maybe we could ‘not do boyfriends’ together. But then there was trivia night and I found you impressive that day. Almost intimidating, even. And that’s when I knew. Nothing is gonna happen between us. See, I don’t hang out with people I hook up with. It’s weird. But you… I really want to keep you in my life. Do the non-kinky way of ‘not doing boyfriends together’. And I know I can be a bit of a flirt, that’s just me. I can stop if it’s making you uncomfortable. But I promise I’m not trying to push any of your boundaries.”

This is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard. Especially because I know he is right. He doesn’t get attached, I’m still too much of a mess to start dating, I want to keep him in my life too, and I can settle on being his friend if that’s the only option we can agree on.

“Thanks for making it clear,” I tell him. I don’t really know what else I could say. “Should we go to the theater now?”

“I am more dressed up than you are. Are you sure I’m not overdressed for it?”

“It’s fine. Do you want me to put a shirt on too?”

“No, I’m not that precious. I just don’t want to… never mind let’s go. What is the play about?” he asks.

“I’m not entirely sure,” I admit. I sigh. “Okay, there is something I need to tell you about the play.”

“Okay…”

“I’m not going for the play, but for one of the actors.”

“You take a guy to go see another guy’s performance? Andrew Scott, you’re such a player!”

“What? No, it’s not like that!” Although to some extent, it kind of is. I will be sitting between the boy I can’t have and the boy who got the boy I almost had. It doesn’t sound clear. I know what I mean. Not that I would want Ben back even if I could, but it summarizes my love life pretty well. Just a stream of boys who never choose me. Even Clark, whom I left, chose to cheat.

But I won’t let myself think about that now. After yesterday, it is more important than ever that I push away those thoughts that keep me down. This has nothing to do with me. I just haven’t met the right person. But that will come. And then I will be happy.

In love, at least. I still have the professional side to sort out. But I have an interview in two days and that might lead to something great. You never know. Even if it’s for a mindless job in a field I am not even sure I like.

“So what about this actor? Are you a fan?” Scott asks, taking le away from those depressing thoughts.

“Sort of. It’s complicated.”

“Being a fan or not is complicated?”

“It’s a bit pathetic.” Scott raises an eyebrow and I get what he is trying to communicate. He pulled me out of a club, drunk and high, and then I vaguely tried to seduce him. It can hardly get worse. And yet I’m pretty sure it is. “I told you about my four boyfriends?”

“Vaguely. Is one of them in the play?”

“No. But my second boyfriend left me for another boy. Sort of. It’s complicated.”

“You always say that, but it never is.”

“There was no cheating, but I clearly was the other man. All along, I could tell that Ben wasn’t over his ex-boyfriend, and one day it became clear he would go back to him. Anyway.”

“Is the ex in question in the play?”

“Yes.”

“Andrew… Are you sure you want to do that to yourself?”

“Well, actually it’s not how you think. One day during my third year of college, I visited some friends in Chicago. There was this college play that they wanted to see. So we went. I recognized Paul the moment he stepped on stage. But I didn’t really have time to feel anything about that because he was outstanding. Genuinely, he was the best in the entire thing. A mix of raw talent and hard work. It was an incredibly soothing experience. Not only was the play great, I also could see what I had been up against and I understood Ben being in love with him. Not that I didn’t get it before, I’m not that presumptuous, but it was surprisingly effective to give me closure. Especially as it was after the entire thing with Clark and it really helped me think that I deserved someone good again. I mean it was a whole thought process, it wasn’t just the play, obviously.”

“Was that good person Damian?”

“It was. When we both wanted the same things in life, we were very happy. And then we were out of step and we couldn’t handle that. It didn’t work. That doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

Scott nods. “He seemed interested at trivia night.”

“Yeah, I think he is. But we both agreed that whatever might happen would be after spring.”

“It’s good if he lets you have your timeline.”

“Even if it’s stupid and arbitrary?”

“It’s your life, Andrew. Your decisions don’t have to make sense to anyone but you. And if you feel ready before spring, go for it. If you still don’t feel ready in the spring, wait a while longer. But if you’re still talking about a spring deadline, it’s probably because you’re not ready now. Spring just means ‘in the future’ right now.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“Okay, so… That Paul guy. Is he good?”

“I’ve only seen him once. But I’ve seen his name on the poster and it made me want to go. I just didn’t know if it was weird.”

“It’s a bit weird,” he admits. “But not in a creepy way. In a ‘life is weird’ way. I can do that kind of weird.”

“Something tells me you can do all kinds of weird,” I tease him.

“Maybe,” he admits. “Okay. Let’s go see the mystery play with the talented Second-Boyfriend’s-Former-Ex-Boyfriend.”

“Let’s never call him that again.”

“I don’t know, I think it’s catchy.”

“You’re an idiot,” I tell him.

“But a charming idiot.”

“Maybe.”

Actually, he is definitely charming. And thanks to him letting me voice it, I don’t feel weird about the play anymore. I am ready to get in that theatre and let Paul York wow me once more.

And I am also at peace with what we settled on. Of course I would have a silly crush after he pretty much rescued me not even a day ago. But he is exactly who I need right now. A friend that makes me feel good about myself, that understands and doesn’t judge when I mess up, someone I can fully trust… And Scott isn’t my friend yet. We barely know each other. But I want to take us there. That seems so much more precious and important than a hook-up, or even a boyfriend that would end up leaving anyway.