“You shot me!” Ben Jeremy was hugging the briefcase to his chest, running alongside Mwah toward the sounds of gunfire.

“I may have temporarily forgotten whose side I was on. We’re good now though.” Mwah was cleaning his teeth with something he had found on the ground.

“Good now? Good? The skin where you hit me is still smoking!”

“It’s okay. We are comrades now. You don’t have to repay me for the bullet.” Mwah gave the scientist a pat on the shoulder and smiled. Whatever a llama smile looks like. Probably creepy in its own way. “Here, you can have this mighty fine toothpick I found earlier. Consider it my gift to you.” Mwah tossed the small object at the white coat and it landed in his front pocket.

“Don’t owe you for the bullet? You shot me with a laser! There’s no bullet! Why did Tommy Tony even bring you?!” Ben Jeremy grabbed the toothpick out of his pocket. “Jesus Christ! Were you cleaning your teeth with a piece of Incisorator’s skeleton?!”

“My gizzard can’t tell the difference between llama or human,” Mwah retorted.

“How would it being from a human make it any better?” Ben Jeremy asked. “Also, Mwah, llamas don’t have gizzards. And I’m pretty certain they’re not supposed to eat meat.”

“You mean we’re not supposed to be eating meat?" GlamourNeck was perched by the campfire. He and the rest of his platoon were unaware of the carnage Tommy Tony was bringing just meters away. "I swear I’ve been eating meat this whole time.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve never eaten meat before. We’re herbivores. Ya know, grass, fruit, vegetables.” LoogieFur was poking the fire with a guinea pig he had found earlier.

“What about apples then?" GlamourNeck asked. "Or moss? That’s not meat?” 

“I’m pretty sure that’s just grass and fruit, from trees and dirt,” LoogieFur explained.

“Yes, but did we not have to kill it to eat it?”

LoogieFur contemplated his comrade’s line of thinking. “Well I suppose in a way, yes.” 

“Then it’s all meat to me!”

GlamourNeck heard a twig snap somewhere nearby. He motioned for LoogieFur to head left while he headed right. Inching himself around a strong, thick pine, LoogieFur brought up his machine gun. The moment he saw something move, he would put more holes in it then the plot of every horror movie ever made. Were he a seasoned warrior, he would have known to listen rather than to look. Which is exactly the reason his husband was able to cheat on him for years on end without repercussions.

“Hey llama, I hope you like orange juice!” Tommy Tony screamed as he leapt in front of the soldier. He then punched the creature in the balls as hard as he could.

“I don’t understand what that means!” LoogieFur gasped through the pain. Grabbing at his crotch, he dropped his machine gun. Hitting the ground, the weapon fired multiple shots into his own stomach, piercing several chunks of apple, but no meat.

With expert timing, Tommy Tony grabbed the machine gun between shots and hid behind another tree. GlamourNeck knew his friend was already dead, so he took several shots in the dark, hoping the man might betray his position. If he could just kill this one monkey baby, he would walk from this forest a legend.

Tommy Tony, with the same idea, fired several shots blindly in front of him. Several shots answered back. One bullet grazed so close, it knocked some tree bark into Tommy’s mouth and all thought for stealth was abandoned as he began spitting wildly in every direction.

“I know that noise, human! You got shit or something in your mouth, didn’t you?” The llama’s voice rang out with genuine concern. “If you’d like, I’ll let you have a do-over.”

“That’d be very nice, thank you,” Tommy Tony yelled back.

“I’ll just sing loudly so I can’t hear you. Then you can pick a new tree!”

The llama was true to his word and began singing the happy birthday song. After the second verse, Tommy had found another tree to hide behind.

“I’ll assume you’re done now!” GlamourNeck shouted into the void, then fired another round of bullets at the trees surrounding him.

Tommy Tony respected this llama. Were it not for this war - a war that in all honesty he couldn’t remember why it was even being fought - they might have been friends. He returned fire, only this time having calculated the llama’s position.

The bullets that slid by GlamourNeck nearly took his life, close enough to singe fur. Closer than the space between two nipples accidentally touching during a game of basketball. Two men, bonding over scores and points, opening a new and confusing world of desires. A fire growing that would consume them if left unchecked. Yet it would not burn. It would only warm and nurture them, their embrace causing the destruction of the walls separating them from ecstasy. Their skin pressed tighter than the space between warm butter and bread. In that touch of nipples, the universe ceased to exist as they were born into a newly formed cosmos of smut. One man wished this feeling could last forever, while the other hoped he had found someone who would at last support his love of fancy cheese.

GlamourNeck had a sudden urge to consume some brie but pushed the distraction from his mind. He thought long and hard for a way to make the man betray his position, and then he remembered the greatest of all human folly. Pride.

“Hey, monkey baby! Just wanted to let you know that I’ve seen wet napkins that had more volume than your shitty hair!” GlamourNeck hurled the words maliciously.

Tommy Tony could handle an apocalypse. He had seen lovers perish to war, famine, and on more than one occasion, Mwah. During one particularly bad episode, he had even watched a dog eat a baby. But never had he felt more rage and madness than in this moment.

Tommy launched himself from behind his tree and fired wildly. The bullets began sawing into a tree several meters back from GlamourNeck.

The tree, which had never hurt anyone, tried desperately to scream in agony, but Tommy either lacked the ability to hear it or chose not to listen. At first it lost splinters, then shreds, and finally gaping chunks. It had literal seconds to acknowledge and come to terms with its death. Were trees to believe in a god, this tree would curse its name. With great effort, the tree sent its one remaining leaf into the wind. As it began to drift away, the tree whispered one burning desire unto its leafy vessel. Revenge!

Crashing loudly, and for some reason exploding, the tree toppled forward. It slammed into the two trees before it, and those two trees, for some reason, exploded and fell into the four trees before them. The domino effect continued until the entire forest behind GlamourNeck crashed down upon him.

The remnants of a solid oak pinned the llama down and shattered his femur. It was broken into so many pieces that, were it a bag of potato chips, you would ask for your money back.

Beaten, broken, and hungry for chips, GlamourNeck tried to think of fitting last words as his killer stepped into view.

Tommy Tony stood tall and proud. In his left hand he held a massive, still smoking, branch of a tree. The icy stare he gave the llama was cold enough to give mixed veggies freezer burn.

“Now, tell me how good my hair looks!” Tommy Tony demanded.

“I stepped on a rusty nail once. If I inspected it today, it would still have more shine than your sad excuse for a mane!” GlamourNeck spit the words out and they whistled, as his teeth were all cracked in half.

Furious, Tommy Tony brought the branch down on the llama’s ribs, which shattered, piercing its heart. Unsurprisingly, the llama died from his injuries.

Casually, Tommy Tony strolled in the direction of The Rescued Woman. His thoughts were heavy, trying in vain to figure out why the trees exploded.