It was sometime around four in the morning that both Tommy Tony and Ben Jeremy decided to abandon the ‘beds’ they had chosen. One had a stench comparable to swiss cheese that was left in a bellybutton so long it was no longer solid. The other had an eerie and invasive feeling, like some eldritch god was attempting to get its rocks off while you were sleeping.

They had settled on taking turns sleeping on the ground, while the other slept on top of them, almost like a warm meat pillow. This led to a very serious discussion as to the best position for doing so. Feet to face was decided as the least awkward, yet the least comfortable. Next was butt to crotch which would have worked if not for the feeling of your partner’s breath on your neck. Sleeping face to face worked out the best for them, provided they slept cheek to cheek, thus avoiding any issues with morning breath.

Mwah had been staring at the pair for several minutes after waking. He was offended that neither of them appreciated the beds he made and baffled as to how humans could sleep in pants. The position they slept in made total sense to him, though. Butt on crotch would place too much weight on the bottom man’s lap. Also, the wretched sensation of someone breathing on you would be a problem.

The Rescued Woman looked at the sleeping pair and became depressed when she realized the previous day had not been a fever induced nightmare. It was maddening that two people using each other like a mattress was the most normal thing she had seen recently.

“I must know, Tommy, why is it that you were so adamant we take this route to the llama city? There are a multitude of other roads that would surely be safer, with less chance of llama encounters?” Mwah had woken the pair up by jabbing them with his gun. To Ben and Tommy’s dismay, he did it with the barrel pointed at them. They weren’t even sure his laser rifle had a safety.

“Can we get something to eat before we talk?” Tommy Tony said, rubbing his head. “I’m not much of a morning person. I just need some time to wake up before everyone starts making noise.”

Fresh or appetizing food was almost impossible to find in a dystopia. Their meal instead consisted of canned meat and tins full of fruit cocktail. The canned meat wasn’t bad if you burned it and drowned it in ketchup. Sadly, they had neither a vessel to cook it on and ketchup hadn’t existed for over a hundred years. Despite its horrid nature, fruit cocktail was eaten at almost every meal. For some reason, there was a near infinite amount of it left over after the fall of humankind. It was assumed that, even at the start of an apocalypse, most humans would sooner eat gravel than what was inside those cans. That probably lead to as many deaths from starvation as there were from llama attacks. Luckily, even bacteria didn’t want to eat it, so it never seemed to go bad. The can Tommy Tony was currently holding expired ten years from 2254, exactly two hundred and fifty years after mankind fell in 2022.

“I have a very special someone in mind for this mission,” Tommy Tony finally answered the llama. “His settlement will be on the way if we take the eastern roads. Llama territory or not, he’s vital to our success.”

“Huh, the only human settlement I know to the east is Rude’s. No, you couldn’t want him! Do you remember the incident with the landscaping equipment? What about that guy and the friggen bear?!” Mwah was visibly agitated. He calmed himself down by chucking bits of his fruit cocktail at the scientist.

“I didn’t know there were any humans to the east. That’s deep within llama territory. They must have ovaries with the tenacity of a black bear.” Ben Jeremy rubbed his stomach where he thought ovaries were located. The Rescued Woman nodded at the scientist to confirm his guess.

“They’re some of the most ruthless humans you’ll ever meet. Their leader is the man we’re after. Trust me, with him on the team there isn’t a llama, hell even a building, that will stand in our way.” Tommy Tony began throwing fruit at the scientist as well. Ben Jeremy tried to dodge the projectiles but was having a hard time seeing them until the last minute.

The Rescued Woman shrugged her shoulders and began throwing food at him, too, annoyed that he would just sit there and take it.

“You’ve lost your damn monkey brain! Do you remember the last mission we were on with him? To think I would work with him after what he did!” Mwah stood and spit at everyone’s feet. It was extra thick, and the vaguely savory smell made everyone queasy.

“Don’t you dare spit in front of me! Seriously, spit is like the grossest thing in the world. I’d take blood, puke, or poop before I’d want to see spit!” Ben Jeremy’s anger was undermined by the fruit he had littered across his lab coat.

“You’d rather watch someone poop than spit?” Mwah asked, perplexed.

“Are you saying you’ve never spit before?” Tommy Tony was baffled.

“God no! Why would you ever want or need to spit?” Ben Jeremy gagged a little thinking about it.

“Is there any chance we could get back on topic? Some of us really need to get to that human settlement. Desperately.” The Rescued Woman glanced at the two men and the llama and her face soured. “Or I might just hurl myself off a cliff,” she finished.

To her surprise they all began laughing heartily, waiting for her to join in. For the life of her she couldn’t figure out what the fuck was wrong with these people.

“So, you’re positive it’s worth walking on a llama infested path to get this one man? I don’t want to second guess you, but this weapon here is a little too important to take unnecessary risks.” Ben Jeremy held up the briefcase and rubbed it with an open palm.

“Shit! Everybody down, he’s got a weapon!” Mwah pushed Tommy and the woman to the ground then aimed his rifle at the scientist. In a fit of protective rage, he opened fire.