When I returned, they were pleasantly cutting apples together to top the pie with.

“Oh, that’s so cute!” April said encouragingly. I saw that Duke had cut an apple slice into the shape of a cat. It was an oddly relaxed scene. When he saw me, Duke shyly passed me a slice shaped like a heart, which I ate without comment.

“Eat your heart out,” April joked. She then handed me one that she’d cut to look like a cock and balls. I mimed giving it a blow-job before eating it. “Smaller than what you’re used to, I bet,” she said, elbowing Duke suggestively. He chuckled before giving me a wink.

They both spent a long while giving me pieces of apple they’d cut into various shapes, which I ate silently. I imagine they got something out of it, but I was pretty bored and craving a cigarette. Since I was feeling indulgent, I let them keep it up until they put the pie in the oven.

“I’m gonna go buy some smokes,” I said finally, getting to my feet.

“Pick up some double cream while you’re at it,” April instructed, washing her hands. “Oh, did you see that the shop by the take-away shut down?” She was referring to the shop that Duke had roughed up.

“Yeah, I saw.”

“They’ll reopen tomorrow,” Duke announced, giving me a look I didn’t bother reading into.

“Do you want to come with me?” I asked him before heading to the door. I figured he would pout if I didn’t ask him to accompany me, which is the only reason I did.

April looked surprised when I said that, which was understandable, because it was completely out of character for me.

Duke seemed like he was about to happily agree, but he paused, and after looking at April he apparently reconsidered. “Have Frank take you. I’ll stay here,” he said, bending over to kiss me.

Since it made absolutely no difference to me, I just nodded and left.

Now, because I wasn’t there, I can only speculate on what happened with those two, but I’ll give it a shot:

Duke looked at the closed door longingly. “While he’s gone…” he began, glancing at April over his shoulder, “we need to talk.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” April cackled, throwing her head back and contorting into her true, demonic form. “I will now bestow unto you all that which I have learned in the art of annoying Soot!”

“Yay!” Duke cheered, clapping his hands like a deranged seal. “Oh, oh, and can you tell me all of his deepest secrets while you’re at it?”

“Sure thing!” April reached into one of her pockets and procured a stack of documents, titled “500 Reasons Why Soot Tattersall is a Horrid Little Man and Needs a Smack”.

“By the way, I have a cat fetish,” Duke announced, unable to fight the force compelling him to overshare.

“Neat! I won’t kink-shame!”

The two had now bonded, so they joined arms while discussing plots to piss me off, happily howling with laughter at stories of my embarrassing teenage years.

I’m just kidding, but I bet that was the general vibe.

After leaving them to their devices, I walked over to Frank, who was leaning against the car and smoking.

“Making a break for it?” he asked.

“No,” I answered. He seemed to look up at my apartment for a moment. I was about to explain that I was going to the shop, but he suddenly and fluidly grabbed my throat in one hand, using the hold to push me against the car.

Then he started to choke me.

I don’t really remember if I thought he was genuinely trying to kill me or not, but I didn’t put up any resistance. I looked up into his eyes, and I think I might have smiled. Then he released me.

“I guess you really don’t care about dying. We could use more guys like you, if you weren’t so skinny.” Frank nodded his head like he was impressed. “Sorry about that,” he added, patting my shoulder.

“No worries.”

He smiled. “You scared of me now?” I shook my head. “Wow. You got some stones on you.” I might have felt a little bashful at that.

“Uh, so,” I began, glossing over that and getting back to my original goal, since getting choked only made me want a smoke even more. “I was gonna buy some cigs. Duke said to ask you to take me, but it’s just over there,” I pointed to the shop that was within eyesight, “so I’ll walk.”

“I’m surprised he let you out of his sight.”

“I think he just wants to be alone with my ex so he can get dirt on me,” I sighed. “Oh, it was my ex that broke in to make pie,” I explained.

“I bet they’ll get on like a house on fire.”

“I bet they’ll set my house on fire,” I mumbled, giving a glum glance back to the flat before I turned to walk to the shop. Frank walked with me.

“Do you want to get some dirt on him as well? Anything you want to ask me about the boss?” he asked. I thought about it a little before shrugging.

“There’s plenty to ask, but nothing I want to know,” I answered eventually. “It’s probably none of my business.”

“Even if it affects you?”

“Yeah, well, my business is none of my business either,” I said, realising as I said it that it didn’t make sense. I guess Frank thought that was funny, since he laughed.

I’m not sure how much of this was real and how much was just me being paranoid, but when we went into the shop it seemed like the staff were all on edge, or keeping their distance. I feel like some of them were looking at Frank anxiously, but he paid them absolutely no mind.

“I was wondering...” he started, then got distracted looking at the different types of cream for a moment. “Boss calls you ‘Soot’, but is that your real name?”

“Yeah, it is.” It’s not the name I was born with, but everyone’s called me Soot for the last twenty years, and I had it legally changed when I was sixteen. It started as a nickname because I was apparently really obsessed with chimney sweeps when I was a kid. 

“That’s a weird name.”

“So’s Marquees.”

“You got me there," he laughed.

“Duke and Marquees…” I contemplated. “Did your parents have a thing for peerage?”

“Yeah, you could say that. We have three older siblings as well, wanna guess their names?”

I quickly racked my brain. “Baron, Viscount and Earl?”

“Yup.”

“No way, really?” I chuckled

“Our last name’s Peers, so the folks thought it’d be funny.” I thought it was pretty funny.

I went to the checkout to buy my cigarettes then, and realised that I didn’t have my ID with me. I wondered if I ever got it back from Duke after I threw it in his face the day before.

As it would later turn out, I didn’t get it back from him. Make note of my lost ID, (I sure didn’t) because it played a part in some of the shit that went down later.

Anyway, I was always asked for proof of age at this shop, even if some of the staff must recognise me like the people at the other place did. But this time, they didn’t ask me. They just scanned my cigarettes and cream, took my money, and told me to have a good day. I’m positive that things only happened that way since there was the six-foot-something and moderately imposing Frank looming behind me. No one there had ever told me to have a good day before.

It felt pretty nice.

“You got any brothers or sisters?” Frank asked when we left the shop.

“Yeah.” I lit up a cigarette. “Two little sisters. Want to guess their names?”

Frank hummed. “Well, you’re Soot, so… Dirt and Grime?”

“No, not quite,” I giggled. “They’re called Merritt and Trinket, so we all have word-names,” I explained. “There’s a five and seven year age difference between me and the girls, and our parents actually let me name them. Both names were just words that I’d learned recently.”

I took out my phone to show him a picture of the three of us from Trin’s eighteenth birthday. I had only put a message on her Facebook wall that day, which upset her so much she took it upon herself to come and drag me out drinking. I figured she just wanted me to pay. Anyway, her and Merry were all done up in the picture so it was the nicest one I could show.

“They’re cute,” Frank said. I vehemently agreed. My sisters look adorable. They annoy the hell out of me, though. 

I suppose part of the reason that I feel the need to accommodate and humour Duke’s behaviour is because I’m used to being pestered, but, just to be clear, my sisters are not that bad.

“You’re cute, too,” he added. 

I pointed two finger-guns at him. “Thanks,” I said awkwardly.

I finished my cigarette and then went back to my apartment. Frank said he’d stay with the car.

“Come on, Soot’s back,” I heard April quickly urge as I opened the door.

“I’d love to, but I’m not sure he’d be into it,” Duke joked. There was a pause while April tried to figure out what he meant before she laughed.

“I’m not. What’re you two doing?” I asked, seeing that they both had some stark, unblended, makeup covering their faces.

“We’re baking while we bake!” April announced joyously. How she had, in the span of about fifteen minutes, convinced Duke to let her put drag makeup on him was something I didn’t even have the capacity to theorise about. 

I looked at them both blankly, which titillated Duke to no end, and resigned myself to whatever the hell else would happen.