When Liam disappeared, slamming the door behind him, Theo stood looking at the closed door for a few seconds, before having the guts to follow him, at least to the landing. From there he looked helplessly as Liam darted past his mother, who had just appeared from the kitchen door, a rag still in her hand and a confused expression. Liam also slammed the main door behind him, a thud that rang in Theo's ears like a cannon shot.
Jenna looked at the door, then slowly looked up at Theo.
"What happened?" she asked weakly, flustered.
Theo swallowed a couple
of times, a lump in his throat that didn't seem to want to disappear.
He stood again looking at the closed door, a ringing in his ears that
seemed to cover everything else. It took a while to realize that Jenna
had actually asked for something, and that perhaps she deserved an
explanation. An explanation he could not give.
Do you think that's something you can fix?
No,
nothing he would have done, would have erased from his mind the
expression of pain on Liam's face as he shouted to him the bitter truth
that he had always kept silent about as a child. Truth that probably
would not even have understood at the time. After all, he was just a
stupid and haughty kid who didn't know what he was doing.
Nothing ... of what you will do or say ... will give me back all that!
Theo raised his face to meet Jenna's still upset one, and he felt his eyes burn, a knot that closed up his throat making it hard to breathe, let alone talk.
"I'm sorry" was all he said, before turning to his room, the echo of the door slammed by Liam that still echoed in his ears.
*
Liam didn't know
where he was going. He just knew he wanted to get away from there. He
felt dizzy, and short of breath, which had nothing to do with the race
he had done to get away from home.
He stopped only when he was several
blocks away, staying motionless, on the side of the road.
Liam took a
deep breath trying to calm his heartbeat. He felt tears wet his cheeks
and raised his right hand to dry them angrily.
As the anger dissipated,
the shame made its way in the form of memories, flashes, of what he
had shouted to Theo. He felt the blush spreaded on his face, a burning
hot feeling inside his face and chest, as if someone had lighted a fire
under his skin.
He buried his face in his hands, letting go a frustrated groan. I can't believe I actually did it. He knew he couldn't go back now. So he started walking, more slowly, more calmly, but still aimlessly.
Liam never got
angry. His therapist said that being ashamed of his anger was another
feature of his social anxiety. He often wondered why he wasn't able to
break free, give vent to all the anger that flooded his brain, to
curse, scream and crush objects, like everyone else, instead of keeping
everything inside. He had often asked himself, especially as a child,
while he stayed motionless to bear Theo's cruelty. Maybe it was because
he preferred that everything look at his place even when it wasn't.
Because he hated that deep, sudden and unpleasant sense of nudity, of
feeling exposed, undressed, unmasked that always follows an outburst of
anger. Because anger is a way to expose one's weaknesses, one's weak
points, to others.
He had read somewhere
that to really get to know someone, you have to find out what makes him
angry. And it was true. But Liam hated who he was, so he hated getting
angry.
And he hated doing it now right in front of Theo Raeken of all people.
Without realizing it, he found himself at the gate of the old playground, where his mother always carried him as a child. He stood for a moment, looking at the old rusted gate closed by a large padlock. Then, without further delay, he climbed, one hand at a time, one leg at a time, jumping and landing with a thud on the muddy ground. No one would find him there. And that was all he could ask for now.
*
"I'm worried"
Jenna said, anguish in her voice, as she pushed her cell phone away
from her ear for the umpteenth time, placing it on the table.
Paul put his hand on her shoulder, standing behind her.
"I'm sure he's fine, he'll have gone for a walk, to clear his mind... he'll be back soon" he told her, trying to be as reassuring as possible. But the tension in his shoulders and his clenched lips said a different story.
"I don't know what happened" Jenne lowered her voice, as if she feared Theo could hear her. As if Theo were not at the top of the stairs, sitting on the last step, listening to them in secret. "Everything seemed okay this afternoon. Maybe it's my fault-" The panic crept more and more into her voice "Maybe I was wrong- we were wrong, the boys weren't ready fo-"
Theo pushed himself to his feet and down the stairs quickly. "It's not your fault" he muttered, appearing at the door.
Paul looked at him in exasperation. "What the hell happened, Theo?" He hissed.
"It's not your fault, you have nothing to do with it, it's something about me and Liam." Theo held up a hand to them, his voice flustered but firm.
"Do you think we can be okay with this? We are your parents, you are supposed to get along to make things work, or at least try. It's only been two days, and one of you is already running out of the house slamming the door behind him, we can't just ignore-" Paul replied, frustrated.
"I'll fix it. I'm going to fix it." Theo stepped into the room, reaching for the car key resting on the TV cabinet.
Jenna put her hand to her forehead, and Paul tightened his grip on her shoulder. "What do you want to do now?" He asked, sounding exhausted.
"I'm going to look for him, and I'll bring him back home" Theo declared, not looking at them again and rushing out of the house.
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